Opportunities to cheat. What's the deal?

Question inspired by lieu’s response in surreal’s
thread about men and cheating;

It seems like I read some variation of “Oh sure, I’ve had PLENTY of opps, but I wouldn’t cheat” a lot around here. It seems to come from men more than women, I think.
Honestly, I’m a little puzzled.
One can tell whether another finds them attractive, or probably even if one could get them in bed if one were to pursue it, but that doesn’t seem like an actual opportunity to me.
Is there a little swaggering going on here?
How do you define an opportunity? It sounds to me like some Dopers (not to pick on lieu, he’s just the most recent example of something I’ve wanted to ask for a long time) are hinting that they have had people pointedly ask them to have an affair/sleep with them/flashed their boobies and wiggled their eyebrows/whatever.
Is this the case?
If not, set me straight.
if so, give me some juicy details!

Well, I can’t speak for anybody else, but I’m gay and good-looking (not boasting, just honest), and the opportunities are there. The secret is to keep oneself away from being tempted. I don’t go into the sauna at the gym (althought I’ve still had guys come on to me), I don’t go to gay bars or clubs w/o my BF, and I stay away from gay chat sites.

Posted by Sidle: “One can tell whether another finds them attractive, or probably even if one could get them in bed if one were to pursue it, but that doesn’t seem like an actual opportunity to me.”

I think that’s what most people would call an opportunity. The fact that the matter is not pursued doesn’t keep it from having been “an opportunity.”
It should not be considered any big thing, or ego booster. Most people get opportunities galore like this. There are many reasons for not following up besides “I won’t cheat.” Nobody deserves a gold star for not cheating when the situation would be inconvenient, dangerous, too expensive, or simply “not worth the trouble”.
Reading back through this, I don’t see where I’ve done much to answer your question. I tried!

Maybe I’m just reading too much into it.
I’m a good-looking female. I have guys ask me out, stare, flirt, whatever. However, my definition of an “opportunity to cheat” would be a situation in which a guy specifically asks me to get into something physical with him.
Doesn’t happen. Guys I don’t know would not be so forward.
Guys I do know know I’m with someone and wouldn’t, or don’t, ask.
What types of come-ones are you talking about?
For example, gobear, you said you would stay away from gay chat sites. That may present some temptation, but it’s not like the guy is right in front of you. I don’t think I’d consider than a opp as much as something that could lead to an opp. However, you also said you don’t go in the sauna at the gym, which leads me to believe you have been physically propositioned. That is a definite opp!
I dunno. maybe I’m being too literal.
How many of your (men and women) opportunities to cheat have included actual physical propositions?

“I’ve had my chances but was never even remotely interested.”

That’s swagger? Excuse me… now I’m confused.

Reaching down and slipping her hand into mine when my wife went to the restroom, sending me a sexually complimentary note via the waitress, smiling stares far too long to just be friendly, always bringing up sex when we run into each other on the sidewalk and telling me about her partners before her husband.

Those are a few of the recent ones that seemed a bit suggestive. Do they have to ask me to do them anal before I should get a hint?

Actual physical propositions are more rare. The interested party then faces at least the chance of rejection.
Common come-ons are hard to define in writing, but most people, both make and female, know when they at least feel very strongly that an opportunity has been presented.

Try this: Scene, hotel lounge:

New girl: “This band really isn’t very good. I’ll bet we could get better music on the radio in my room.”

Guy one; Yeah, probably could. ::Turns away and takes a sip from drink.::


Guy two: “Let’s go check it out.” ::Big smile, guides girl away from bar with hand lightly placed on her arm.::

They both had “an opportunity.”

when i was single, i was pretty awful at recognizing “opportunities”. i seriously doubt that now i’m married i’m any better. unless a woman says, “lets go do it”, i would most likely figure she was just making conversation and wouldn’t catch it. at any rate, i’m pretty much always with the wife anyway, and that would make it tough to do anything, unless she volunteered to hold the camera or something!:smiley:

You can seat me in the non-swaggering section.

Up until a couple years ago, I had zero opportunities to cheat. I’m sure of it - my flirting radar’s always been pretty good.

I may have had one or two chances in the past couple years, but I’m honestly not sure, and I’d rather not know anyway. Sometimes you really don’t know if the ‘opportunity’ really was one until you follow through.

I have had definate opportunites to cheat when I have traveled on business.

I mean I have a hotel room and some people at conventions still do the get drunk and rowdy thing. Plus with the Mrs. a thousand miles away there was no chance of being caught.

That’s what I would mean by an opportunity.

OK-so far you all have presented examples of some serious opportunities!
Lieu-I’m sorry-I didn’t mean to offend you. I didn’t actually think that your post sounded like swaggering, I was really thinking about previous posts in other threads. And the scenarios you described-WOW!

Wow, you’re lucky!

I wish the guys I knew would be as courteous.

Wow, you’re lucky!

I wish the guys I knew would be as courteous.

Actually, I can only think of one serious opportunity. On a business trip, as previously mentioned.

I think after so long my antennae are no longer out there. When I realized the woman I had been having a reasonably pleasant conversation about this and that was actually coming on to me, I was more flabbergasted than titillated.

I can’t even say I was tempted. My first reaction was “I don’t like this one as well as the one I already got”, and therefore I didn’t even experience any glow of conscious virtue. My first and most basic reaction just put it off the page.

Sorry. I am boringly, happily married. A week from Wednesday will make it twenty years.


Sidle: I think it all comes down to your definitions of “opportunity” and “cheating”

I consider going out on a date with someone who isn’t your SO cheating, so for you, when you were asked out, the opportunity was there.

Just wanted to say that I love this line!

A few year ago, My husband worked at a temp. winter job and one of the secretaries asked him out. He said no, and left pretty quickly. The other secretary then told the first one " You know he’s married, don’t you ?" the first one said " Who cares ?" and she became very aggressive. She left condoms in my hubby’s truck, put erotic notes in his locker and touched him everytime she got the chance. When the season was over, my husband was relived that he didn’t have to deal with her anymore.

About a year later, we moved. We discovered that the secretary is now one of our neighbors. She was still very agressive to my husband. When he was mowing the lawn, she woould come right up to our yard and start rubbing his back. One day we were outside together and she came up and started talking to him, He interupted her to say"This is my wife, Sherrie" She actually said," So ?" Then one day I saw her in the store, my husband was at work, and I told her to cut the shit.

After that she stopped, thank goodness.

My husband had a pretty good opportunity there. He wasn’t interested in cheating. He was shocked at her behavior though.

Yes I had someone ask me if I wanted to get a room with her. :eek:

We had been talking for awhile and then one day :eek: I did it though :smiley:

I did it because I didn’t want to be with my wife and I left a few weeks later. It was not the best thing to do and I don’t think that I would do it again. Next time I’ll leave and then hook up.

Or, in my case, the light finally dawns about 3 days later.

“Hey! I think she may have meant it that way 8-0.”
As to the OP, I’ve never had an opportunity that I noticed. As you might be able to tell from the above comment, that doesn’t rule out that they were there. Certainly no one ever gave me condoms!

When I’ve been married, I had no interest in adultery. As such, in the absence of some absurd scene akin to a James Bond movie involving naked women infiltrating my bedroom, I was not going to see an “opportunity” as I simply was not looking for one. Any subtle signals would fly under my radar.

Not to mention that anyone wanting to have sex with me knowing I was married would immediately disqualify themselves. Why would I want to be intimate with someone that thinks adultery is OK? Yuck. The whole situation would be VERY un-sexy.

Of course, other folks have other value systems and make other choices. That is fine with me.


The one and only opportunity I have ever had was reversed from all those previously mentioned.

My wife and I have been together for a long time, dating for several years. At one point we broke up for about a year, during which time she dated several other guys (three or four, I had trouble keeping count) whereas I stayed pathetically single.

One night at a party at one of our mutual friend’s, we had a couple drinks (OK, I had a lot) and she said she missed me and she wanted to have sex then and there.

Being bumbling drunk, I still had the sense of mind to recall she was dating someone else at that moment and told her I wouldn’t be part of her cheating on another guy.

That’s my whole story of convoluted love.

I have, however, been cheaten on by women twice.