QUAKERTOWN, Pa. (AP) – It’s a glum day for optimists. After 24 years of community service, the Quakertown Optimists Club is calling it quits. They’re holding their last meeting on Thursday, citing declining interest. “I feel sad,” club president Bernard Kensky said. The group worked with schools to hold essay, spelling and public speaking contests for students, sponsored a youth bowling league and organized golf tournaments and football and basketball events. The Optimist Club is an international organization that formed in 1920. The Quakertown chapter started in 1980 with 35 members, but dropped to 15 members this year.
I would have thought they were more of a “the membership rolls are half-full” kind of club.
I’m intrigued by the twenty people who quit. What happened? I’m sure there were a couple who passed away and the like, but say, oh, seventeen of them are left. What made them say “Ah, fuck it, I’m a pessimist now?”
Not even an “I hope the group will re-start soon?” Yipes.
Note to self: Dump any property in Quakertown.
They probably all got on in years and relocated to Florida.
THE FINAL MEETING OF THE QUAKERSTOWN OPTIMISTS – OFFICIAL MINUTES
Meeting convened @ 7:30p.m. in the rec. room of the Gordinger Memorial Community Center. Mr. B. Kensky (president) presiding, Mrs. A. Kensky (executive secretary) taking minutes.
7:35 - Roll taken. Mr. Abbott, Mrs. Gordinger, Mrs. Oblensky, Mr. Piper, Mr. Small and Ms. Tifton attending. Excuses presented for Mr. Sharp (who was “unavoidably” detained), Mr. Bryant (who has the flu - evidently a strain that makes you slur your words and drop the receiver on the counter creating an unholy bang in the executive secretary’s ear), Miss Krantz (whose weekends seem to begin earlier than those of the rest of the population), Mrs. Sanders (who is dead), and Mrs. Abbott (who provided crullers for the meeting).
7:45 - Meeting called to order as members help themselves to coffee and crullers.
7:50 - Meeting called to order again, as the crullers seem to be especially tasty - not that the executive secretary, glued to her chair recording this, would know, as no member has so much as offered to bring her one.
7:55 - President presents agenda: fundraising, community affiliations, publicity. President reminded by executive secretary that minutes from last meeting have not been read. President, in clear violation of rules of order, says he thought we’d just skip it this week because of the heated nature of parts of the last session. ExecSec. stands firm. Voice vote approves reading of minutes “omitting anything acrimonious.” ExecSec. says in that case we might as well forget it.
8:00 - Fundraising discussion. Ms Tifton and Mr. Small report results of white elephant sale: $215.36 minus $50.06 for refreshments, $115.70 for decorations, and $200.00 for rental of the Gordinger Memorial Community Center. There was a pause while the rest of us added this up in our heads (Mr. Piper used a pocket calculator). President says he thought Community Center rental fee was to be waived. All eyes went to Mrs. Gordinger, who says for the hundredth time that the Center is run by a family trust that she does not control. Mr. Small asks why, that being the case, we continue to use the Center for our meetings at 90 bucks per week. Mrs. Gordinger says that if the rest of us don’t appreciate her family’s generosity we can go back to meeting in the Abbott’s basement, but we’d have to do so without her because that cold dank dungeon is a breeding ground for toxic mold which she read can kill you dead. Mr. Abbott says if she’s so afraid of fungus what was she doing ordering an extra large double-mushroom pizza from Luigi’s when she was home alone last Tuesday night? Mrs. Gordinger objects to this invasion of her privacy. Mr. Abbott counters that there is no such thing as a confidentiality obligation for a pizza delivery boy (apparently his son), especially when you always stiff him on the tip. The president interjects that he doesn’t think that fungus and mold are the same thing. We reflect for a moment on this helpful contribution. Mrs. Oblensky breaks the silence to remark that at this rate she doesn’t think the organization can afford any more fundraising. Ms Tifton says that perhaps Mrs. Oblensky’s assistance could have helped, had such assistance materialized at any point during the many hours she and Mr. Small spent planning, organizing and administering the sale. Mr. Piper’s comment that buyers might have been confused by the presence of an actual white elephant was stricken from the record.
8:42 - Mr. Sharp breezes in an hour and twelve minutes late, prompting another mass break for the coffee and crullers, during which the courtesy of a Barbary Pirate sloop continues to prevail. ExecSec. muses aloud that she wishes she had eaten before the meeting. She does this twice to no effect before turning her attention to the lipstick on Mr. Sharp’s collar.
9:00 - Discussion of community affiliations. Mr. Sharp characteristically seizes the floor with a suggestion: instead of constantly aligning ourselves with deserving causes, why not for once hook up with somebody who has more money than us? Mr. Piper says at this point that would be anybody. Mrs. Gordinger sides with Mr. Sharp, saying that it would be nice to leech off somebody else for a change. The president points out that over past three and a half years, a grown leech would have starved on our charitable disbursements. Mr. Sharp says that’s what he means, if we want to do good we have to either raise money ourselves (collective eye-rolling) or connect up with somebody who can, because after all it doesn’t matter whose pocket the money comes out of as long as it gets to those in need and “we get the credit.” Mrs. Oblensky says we first have to stop leaking funds ourselves and accuses Mr. Sharp of once again taking the coffee she provides every week and not putting a dollar in the bowl, saying that this is why he always comes late to our meetings. Note: from her vantage point, Mrs. Oblensky cannot see the lipstick stain on Mr. Sharp’s collar. Mr. Sharp produces a used tea bag and says he drinks his own tea brought from home and since our first session had thought that Mrs. Oblensky had merely been providing tepid water from a rusty tap. Mrs. Oblensky says that he brings the same old used tea bag every week just to give himself an alibi. Mr. Sharp says that if that were the only old bag we had to deal with the whole organization would be a lot better off. Mrs. Oblensky stands, takes from her purse the letter of resignation she hands in every week, gives it to the president, and walks out. 9:30. Right on schedule. She takes the still-hot coffee urn with her, and the last cruller. Perfect. Mr. Abbott asks Mr. Sharp what other associations we should “target - I mean, reach out to?” Mr. Sharp suggests the Girl Scouts. The ExecSec. asks Mr. Sharp if the idea of affiliating with a bunch of young girls was his idea or his wife’s. Mr. Small takes up the cause, saying that anybody who can wrench $20 out of you for three tiny boxes of cookies has to be rolling in money. Mrs. Gordinger seconds this, but asks if we can persuade them to share. Mr. Piper says to forget it, because those girls’ fists are the only thing tighter than their – I can’t believe he just said that.
9:55 - Meeting suspended to revive Mrs. Gordimer, who fortunately keeps smelling salts in her purse, which we found under a letter from the Gordinger Trust asking her approval of the foundation’s budget, including her salary as director. Lying *****.
10:07 - Mrs. Gordinger leaves, pleading post-faint trauma, conveniently allowing her to escape the spirited discussion of our organization’s rental of the Community Center and financial situation vis-a-vis the Gordinger Trust.
10:15 - Meeting adjourned. Ms Tifton asks about the last item on the agenda - publicity. The president says the local paper will be interviewing him about the history, activities and future of the Optimists. When asked what he will say, the president does not answer.
Brilliant! Standing O for The King of Soup! 
The sudden change from “Gordinger” to “Gordimer” adds an extra bit of authenticity, as it indicates that the executive secretary was so pissed that she mistyped the name.
I’m one of those who can type but not read. There oughta be a telethon.
I once won a speech contest sponsored by the Optimist’s Club, for which I received (among other things) a signed certificate. On this certificate, the club’s representative had signed the name of the club: “Optist Club of America”.
I framed it.
That is all.
So.
Is there a Pessimist’s Club of America?
I thought about it once, but said screw it, nobody’d come to a meeting anyways.
King of Soup, that was worthy of Robert Benchley himself. I am tempted to print it out and forward it to the late Quakertown Optimists Club.
:: applause ::
Eve, The King of Soup, everyone… What a great thread! This thread makes me happy and fills me with hope for the future. . . . I wish there was a club where I could get together with other people who feel this way.
King of Soup
:::::::::Shirley Rises From Her Seat Applauding Wildly!:::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Bravo!!!
I doubt it.
King of Soup, I am speechless.
Brilliant. Just. Brilliant.
I am in awe!
There are quite a few Soroptimist Clubs, which of course are for optimists who have been exercising a little too vigorously.