Since Belkar is by far the most fun character in the strip, I don’t want him checking out until the story’s over. Don’t precipitate on my procession.
New post: The Duel Everyone’s Been Waiting For.
OK, that was a little grosser than it needed to be, but still funny.
Wow, either level 1 Commoners have incredibly low hit points or
Mr. Scruffy has some ninja levels.
Actually, it’s a good punchline if you know the buildup.
It’s standard joke complaint about 3rd edition D&D, that a 1st level Commoner can be killed by a house cat. The commoner class is deliberately designed as terrible as possible, so even your wimpy wizard can punch out a drunk in a bar. Cause gods forbid ordinary people should get in the way of your awesomeness, even for a brief moment at first level. (Before 3rd edition, commoners were EVEN WORSE)
1st level Commoners have 4 HP, so does a cat (I think). A cat does only one point of damage, I believe, but gets two attacks, is very likely to go first, and is much harder to hit than the Commoner, who gets only one 1d3 attack, but because he’s unarmed, he takes a -4 to hit, and provokes an Attack of Opportunity from the cat if he does so. So he’s likely to both miss, and get hurt more every time he attacks.
So the odds of the cat getting 4 hits before the Commoner gets the two he needs (on average) is very good. If the Commoner is smart and manages to Grapple the cat, he can probably win, but if the commoner was smart, he would have chosen a better class.
The later D20 games, Modern in particular, made average guys much better. Which is often an unpleasant surprise for players during their first Modern game . . .
This was before 4th edition came along, and suddenly everything about third edition had always been perfect.
Don’t mess with MR. SCRUFFY. Belkar himself has said, “He’s a stone-cold killer.”
Actually, wizards and commoners are about equal, in a nonmagic fight. And wizards also often get razzed on for being vulnerable to housecats.
But really, it’s not all that unrealistic. A homocidally crazy housecat really could mortally wound a typical human, with the element of surprise. It’s happened. It’s just that, although most housecats are crazy, they’re usually not homocidally crazy: They know that if they kill the humans, there will be nobody left to use the can opener.
Belkar also has levels in ranger, and rangers get an animal companion, whose combat abilities improve as the ranger gets levels. Mr. Scruffy is likely Belkar’s animal companion, and Belkar is a pretty high level ranger/barbarian multiclass. So Mr. Scruffy probably has better attacks and hit points than your standard house cat.
The only appropriate word there is awesome.
I wanna be Mr. Scruffy when I grow up.
Despite their innate evil, I doubt an average RL housecat could kill a reasonably healthy (Con 10-11) RL human adult in a ‘fair’ fight. We’re just too far out of thier weight class.
Cats don’t fight fair, though. The traditional cat attack is (Improved) tripping the stumbling biped as they’re carrying laundry down the stairs. My sister’s cat has almost murdered me on several occasions with that one. Little (adorable) bastard.
Of course, in Champions, a newborn baby can throw a football more than 100 yards . . .
–
Real life cats have Rogue levels. Old ones usually multiclass into Warlock
Wow, that was disgusting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rich draw intestines before.
Mr. Scruffy, as usual, is awesomeness squared.
Who gets XP for that?
Mr. Scruffy. Not like a 1st level Commoner is worth anything.
Never mess with Mr. Scruffy when his halfling is on the line.
Thanks for the explanation for the in-joke, Ura-Maru!
Awesome points for that! thanks!
I enjoyed Belkar worrying about everyone getting all bent out of shape if he actually killed his opponent. He had no moral qualms, he just didn’t want to get stuck with another Mark or something. And, of course, he can squabble AND deflect or evade the attacks at the same time.
Hey, speaking is a free action.
…and in early editions at least, an ordinary person could reduce a car to scrap metal in a minute with their bare feet.
And in 1st Ed AD&D, a high-level fighter could walk away from a fall from any height.
Ahh, Murphy’s Rules. 
Three attacks, not two. Two claws at +4, one bite at -1. Each can only do 1 point of damage though, barring magical fuckery.
Cats also have ridiculous Dex bonuses to stealth for their level and rock a 14 Armour Class (that’s about on par with an average grunt in chainmail, for comparison). Frankly, a handful of alley toms could destroy even a lvl 1 Barbarian most easily, nevermind a Commoner.
Belkar’s at least a level 12 ranger (it’s not known whether he went for ranger or barbarian levels after that), which means that Scruffy as his animal companion gets 4 bonus HD, +4 natural armor, +2 to Str and Dex, and can learn three more tricks than an ordinary cat. The strength increase isn’t enough to raise Scruffy’s damage above 1 per hit, but the bonus HD would grant him another feat, and there’s probably some feat or another that would raise his damage output enough to kill the commoner in a single round. And the extra HD and natural armor would make him much harder to kill.