They have to be at least a very tiny bit beleivable to extremely gullible maroons.
Here’s mine (borrowed from Steve Wright):
I was born 8½ months premature.
.
I worked with a completely gullible, Barbie type, once.
I walked up to her and two other co-workers chatting in the hallway, and said, “I just discovered a fool proof way to know when a man is lying!”
Her eyes lite up, and I had her undivided attention, she leaned in, mouth slightly agape, I continued,
“His lips move.”
The other two women laughed, but she was a sight to behold. The rapped look held for a few seconds, then slowing morphed to confusion, then doubt, then a touch of annoyance, and finally comprehension. Then she said, That’s just a joke!" and turned away.
I realized then I was in the presence of a rare and awe inspiring human being. One described by the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz Walking and talking with on brains at all.
After that, I made it a point to confuse her once a day.
Another Steven Wright: “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
Yet another Steven Wright: “I had to go to the eye doctor the other day…I was speed-reading and hit a bookmark.”
This thread will probably get moved to Cafe Society if we just turn it into a collection of such Steven Wright lines as “I own a large collection of sea shells, which I keep scattered on a bunch of beaches all over the world.”
KFC does not stand for Kentucky Fried Chicken. It stands for Kentucky Fried Cat.
(And speaking of rodents, what’s with the hamsters, anyway? Do we have a whole buncha new members or is this just an extremely popular thread?)
Oh and by the way. Those are MY seashells.
Two rumors I wanted to start:
Andrew Lloyd Weber is coming out with a musical versions of Schindler’s List.
this ones a bit dated:
Philip Morris is phasing out Joe Camel and will now be using the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers as their advertising mascots.
Pssst… did you hear Cecil Adam is really this guy named Ed Zotti? It’s true!
My sister used to complain that when people at parties asked what she did, ‘dietitian’ didn’t thrill them. I told her to tell them that she was a dietitian for NASA and that she calculated the diets of the astornauts according to their horoscopes.
I intended it as a joke to cheer her up. She laughed and brightened. But then she went on to test it out. Apparently it’s a fairly good party line. And while most get the joke, a number of people take it very seriously. These people are impressed.
I’ve seen this one work from time to time:
Me: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Them: How?
Me: I’ll tell you later.
Most people laugh, a rare few will say “C’mon, tell me!” until they get it.
I, a under 40 female, have used with success this line stolen from my very funny friend Geoff
" Let me show you a trick I learned in 'Nam."
If you say almost anything in a serious tone, people will nod sagely and respect your wisdom. My favorite, delivered earnestly and with a frown: “Forewarned is fore-armed, and four-armed is twenty-fingered.”
My sig…
I’ve actually used it in conversation… several times.
I guess it would help to actually INCLUDE my sig, eh?
Which may be borrowed from another Steven Wright quote, “One time I was driving with a friend of mine. I turned to him and said, 'hold on, I want to try something I saw on a cartoon one time.”
When I was 16, I told a girl the following story with a completely straight face:
"My real name is Shep Shmeps. I was born in Antarctica. My mother was studying algae formations in icebergs and my father was there on vacation and they met and fell in love. In Antarctican, ‘Shmeps’ is spelled Q-X-P-T-Z. "
She believed me. She was so fascinated by this story, that she told several other people. Every single person she told the story to responded with incredulous disbelief. She came back to me and told me one of her friends said my story was not true. I confessed that the story was a complete fabrication from beginning to end. She was very hurt and upset that I would do that to her. I apologized profusely.
A police officer once told me that I was one of the best straight-faced liars he had ever seen. He said that this was not a good thing, and I should be careful how I use this power.
My first husband was a past master at that. Whenever we had guests, as they were leaving, he would say, with great sincerity,“I’m so glad you got to see me Next time come when you can’t stay so long.” Invariably, they would smile and wave, without a clue.
Despite our best efforts, Vietnam is still there. I met lots of under-30 western females there last year… it’s perfectly possible that you did learn a trick there.
She coulda learned it in Vietnam, but I doubt she learned it in 'Nam.
Daniel
I am from Nebraska.
I went to college in Texas.
Everytime I would mention I was from Nebraska I got one of three stock questions/responses:
“Really? Do you know such-and-so?”
“I’ve never met someone from Nebraska.”
Or some crack about Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom.
This one time (at band camp?) I was asked if I knew Marlin Perkins.
I said that, no, I didn’t know him personally, and that in fact he was dead. But that my sister worked at Mutual of Omaha, and told me they have him stuffed an on display in the lobby.
“Hmmm. That’s interesting.”
My brother, to his high school English class:
“Hey, someone wrote the word ‘gullible’ on the ceiling!”