Outside Opinion: Bisexuality

In My Humble Opinion
41

Interesting. That really echoes the feelings that both my ex (same-sex spouse) and Sniffs_Markers (current same-sex not-quite-but-practically-spouse) felt.

I’m a very monogamous bisexual. When I fall in love, gender is simply irrelevent. I’m not polyamorous (one relationship at a time, thanks). I’ll date a man or a woman – I’m far too insecure to deal with “open relationship” and I’m just inherently monogamous, it seems.

Interestingly, the lesbian women I’ve been involved with have said exactly the same things as your post, MrVisible. I think it’s a totally legitimate fear, by the way. I think it is quite difficult for people to reconcile the concept of being attracted to both genders (or rather, as I say, to find gender irrelevent) and it can be threatening.

It’s interesting to compare the differences. Sniffs_Markers can’t really understand how I could not have a preference for either men or women, whereas I can’t understand how people experience gender as a factor that influences who you fall in love with.

As far as fears and insecurities, the main issue always ended up being the worry that I would leave for the opposite gender. My ex got over that when she one day thought to herself “hmm… I suppose Crayons could just as easily dump me for another woman…” Sniffs_Markers doesn’t worry, (her initial reservations came more from the fact that her previous girlfriend dumped her for a guy), but for quite awhile her friends would ask her “are you crazy? why are you dating another bi girl???”

Interestingly, after my ex dumped me (she left me for another woman) and I dated a guy, I asked him: “Aren’t you afraid I’ll end up leaving you for a woman?” He looked at me as if he was a little surprised and said: “No. Not any more than I worry that you’ll leave me for another guy… But if you did dump me for a woman, I’d be pissed 'cause I couldn’t compete with that!”

I’ve always found it interesting to note the differences in apprehension. And other times, the fact that I’m bi is a total non-issue (like with Sniffs_Markers).

The differences in relationship dynamics are interesting too by the way. Being very out at work and in the community adhering to “societal convention” hasn’t really been much of an issue. So I don’t really notice a difference that way. But the subtle differences in communication between a same-sex and an opposite-sex relationship are kinda neat.

I speak as a guest on a panel at a university for a course on human sexuality. One student once said that, in her opinion, bisexuality didn’t exist. She believed that it was just a “part of the coming-out process.” For many people this is indeed true. Nonetheless, some people are truly, honestly bisexual. Gender just doesn’t matter – to me it’s irrelevent. One thing I say often is when addressing the class is “when I fall in love, I fall in love with the person, not the package” and that seems to help clarify things a little.

42

Interesting. That really echoes the feelings that both my ex (same-sex spouse) and Sniffs_Markers (current same-sex not-quite-but-practically-spouse) felt.

I’m a very monogamous bisexual. When I fall in love, gender is simply irrelevent. I’m not polyamorous (one relationship at a time, thanks). I’ll date a man or a woman – I’m far too insecure to deal with “open relationship” and I’m just inherently monogamous, it seems.

Interestingly, the lesbian women I’ve been involved with have said exactly the same things as your post, MrVisible. I think it’s a totally legitimate fear, by the way. I think it is quite difficult for people to reconcile the concept of being attracted to both genders (or rather, as I say, to find gender irrelevent) and it can be threatening.

It’s interesting to compare the differences. Sniffs_Markers can’t really understand how I could not have a preference for either men or women, whereas I can’t understand how people experience gender as a factor that influences who you fall in love with.

As far as fears and insecurities, the main issue always ended up being the worry that I would leave for the opposite gender. My ex got over that when she one day thought to herself “hmm… I suppose Crayons could just as easily dump me for another woman…” Sniffs_Markers doesn’t worry, (her initial reservations came more from the fact that her previous girlfriend dumped her for a guy), but for quite awhile her friends would ask her “are you crazy? why are you dating another bi girl???”

Interestingly, after my ex dumped me (she left me for another woman) and I dated a guy, I asked him: “Aren’t you afraid I’ll end up leaving you for a woman?” He looked at me as if he was a little surprised and said: “No. Not any more than I worry that you’ll leave me for another guy… But if you did dump me for a woman, I’d be pissed 'cause I couldn’t compete with that!”

I’ve always found it interesting to note the differences in apprehension. And other times, the fact that I’m bi is a total non-issue (like with Sniffs_Markers).

The differences in relationship dynamics are interesting too by the way. Being very out at work and in the community adhering to “societal convention” hasn’t really been much of an issue. So I don’t really notice a difference that way. But the subtle differences in communication between a same-sex and an opposite-sex relationship are kinda neat.

I speak as a guest on a panel at a university for a course on human sexuality. One student once said that, in her opinion, bisexuality didn’t exist. She believed that it was just a “part of the coming-out process.” For many people this is indeed true. Nonetheless, some people are truly, honestly bisexual. Gender just doesn’t matter – to me it’s irrelevent. One thing I say often is when addressing the class is “when I fall in love, I fall in love with the person, not the package” and that seems to help clarify things a little.

43

Gah! Evil double-posting long-stuff hamsters!!!

44

I like my term ‘Pansexual’ better, what ever feels good.

I’m ‘straight’ and have yet to meet a woman I want to have sex with or even fantasize about. Hubby and I make up fantasies for each other involving generic people but it’s more the telling of the story that works for me than the people in the fantasy, basically I get off on his reactions to my stories (I’m very good at story telling). And when he’s telling the stories the women parts don’t do much for me but the Hubby’s voice does wonders.

I do have sex with women in my dreams, I always seem to be on the receiving end of the encounter, no prob but the first time I had such a dream it really freaked me out, not anymore. As mentioned elsewhere a few months ago, the only male I’ve ever manage to sex with in a dream is my Hubby.

I have a male friend who enjoys sex with men but has no desire to have anything but a sexual relationship with them and that’s only occasionally (every other blue moon), the rest of the time he is quite happy with females. Does this make him a bi-sexual? Or me a closet bi-sexual?

People should be able to have a relationship with whoever or all the whoevers thay want as long as the participants are of legal age of consent and consent.

When can we drop the sexual categories and just let love or sex do as it chooses. No more gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, or straights, just people, some of whom like just members of the opposite sex, others members of the same sex, and still others who like both.

Thanks for allowing me to express myself, this is something I’ve thought about for a long time. Wish I could have written it better (words, jumbled, too many, can’t get out in an orderly manner).

45

Big non-sequitur there. Does labelling you as a heterosexual imply that you will sleep around with other men?

Bisexuality isn’t having two separate sexualities. It’s having one, inclusive, sexuality.

Amen. Preach it, sister.

46

There’s a differential that needs to be made. Like I said, when I hear “bisexual” I think “multisexual” or something like that. In fact, this is one of the definitions I found

This is what I understand bisexuality as, yet others have revealed that this is not what they mean when they are referring to their own sexuality. Replace “both” with “either” in the above definition, and you have a subtle, but telling difference.

Interesting that heterosexuality and homosexuality are considered antonyms of bisexuality in this definition, not related concepts.

By labeling myself as heterosexual, and being in a heterosexual relationship, I am fulfilling my sexual identity. Labelling myself bisexual and being in either a heterosexual or same-sex relationship, then by the above definition, there’s a piece of the puzzle missing.

47

I disagree. “Sexually attracted to either sex” would include homosexuals, heterosexuals, and virtually anyone who gets off on humans.

This is like saying that if you’re attracted to both blondes and brunettes and are in a relationship with a blonde, there’s a piece of the puzzle missing.

48

I don’t have any problem reconciling the idea of bisexuality. Nor am I threatened by bisexuals or bisexuality.

But I think it’s entirely legitimate for a homosexual who’s considering a serious monogamous relationship with a bisexual to consider the effects of the bisexuality. And one of the effects is that the competition may very well come with a whole heap of advantages that homosexuals just don’t have.

For instance. If a bisexual male chooses to be in a monogamous relationship with another male, he gives up the idea of fathering children. This is, for a lot of people, an enormous sacrifice. On the other hand, if the bisexual is in a similar relationship with a partner of the opposite sex, kids are back in the picture. It’s a big deal for a gay person going out with a bi person; it unbalances the relationship pretty heavily.

I doubt that there’s a bisexual person who’s considered a homosexual relationship who hasn’t taken these things into account; they’d be idiotic not to. There’s a big pile of advantages that straight couples get that gay couples don’t. Considering what sacrifices you’re making is part of any mature relationship. And the homosexual partner is sure to be aware of them as well. That imbalance is just another impediment to a long-lasting union.

And, if I was in a relationship with a bisexual guy, and he left me to start a family with a woman, there would be a big part of me that understands. Even for a Kinsey 5 like myself, there’s an enormous attraction in the image of the classic family, and a feeling of loss knowing that I’ll never have that.

So, in short, I think you misinterpreted the gist of my post. I do believe in bisexuals [sub]I do, I do, I do believe in bisexuals![/sub], but I believe that the attraction of heterosexual relationships has to be added to the strength of heterosexual attractions when assess the potential of prospective bisexual relationship partners.

49

When a lesbian girl became my girlfriend, I felt pretty much the same way, but from the opposite perspective. What the hell could I offer her that women couldn’t? There was a whole heap of insecurity for a while, but I got over it. In the words of Silent Bob: “She wasn’t looking for that anymore, she was looking for me… for the Bob”.

I think you’d adjust to dating a bisexual guy pretty quickly, if it were serious. Not that you’ll have to worry about that now.

50

I do see your point, but this is a problem not with the bisexual person, but with the rules and regs you have to live by.

Gay and lesbian couples do start families. Where I live (and in a few other countries) they can marry much as heterosexuals can, and have have the same rights as straight couples. (Tax-wise, inheritance, etc.) While ordinary adoption isn’t an option (yet!:), adoption of your partner’s children is legal, and there are ways to have children even for gays and lesbians:) When queer couples have the same options as straight ones, things stand a little bit differently.

I realise most of you are from the States where this simply isn’t an option, but I’m sure you’ll get there – eventually:)

51

Hey, I can love a woman, I’m just not sexually attracted to a woman. I mean, I can love my parents, my siblings, my (hypothetical) children without sex coming into the equation.

I can feel and express love towards a same-sex friend or relative, sacrifice for them, care about them – but it would just never occur to me to have sex with them. Intellectually I know that some people feel attraction to their own gender, but from my perspective it’s purely intellectual knowledge. Emotionally I just don’t “get it”. Well, I don’t get why people like strawberry ice cream or body piercing, either. I respect their right to live their lives for their own enjoyment and their choices don’t bother me at all. I’ve gotten hit on a few times from lesbians and I just say “thanks, but no thanks, I’m straight.”

It just puzzles me that people think that love always proceeds to sex. Or maybe I’m just an old fogey

52

Gay (Kinsey 6+) male here, and I know several people who are both very much bi and polyamorous. While I do not identify with either situation, I completely understand it exists and am quite happy that my friends are leading fulfilling lives with their complicated (to me) relationships.

There is a lot of hostility in the gay community towards bisexual people. I’m not exactly sure why that is, but I know I don’t share it. It might have something to do with jealousy (bi people can, if they choose, “play straight” and instantly gain many of the rights denied gay people, or so the complaint goes). Or it could very well be a matter of “either your with us or your against us,” the long-lived “battle” between “breeders” and “queers” (yes, both terms are derogatory when said in the improper context). But I would guess a lot of it is just learned behavior passed on from gay generation to gay generation.

I would say, though, that I have thought long and hard about the potential of having a relationship with a bi man. Much as I hate to say it, because I find it to be a character flaw in myself, I realize that I have the same fears that MrVisible has stated previously in this thread. Bi’s who are willing to “play straight” in this society can get a lot of benefits that a gay partner would never be able to “compete” with, and I would always feel a bit threatened by that. It’s mostly irrational, I admit, but fears often are. Since I am in a LTR with another Kinsey 6 (or maybe 5, I’ve never really asked other to know he identifies as gay), it’s not currently an issue. If the day ever comes where I’m single (fortune forfend), I’ll probably have to deal with it.

JOhn.

53

She said “fall in love with”, which usually implies romantic love. Which obviously (or hopefully!) isn’t the same as love for your parents, children, freinds, etc. To fall in love is usually what you do when you meet someone you would like to get romantically involved with. (Which most of the time implies that you are attracted to this someone:)

54

I was on LiveJournal reading a woman’s profile, and one of the things she said was, “I’m straight, but I like to kiss girls.” I told her in a response that to me that was like, “I’m straight, but I like to give head.”

I don’t understand. I see women kissing other women in bars, and you can just TELL they’re only doing it for effect…and there I sit with my ice water thinking, “You know, if only I was straight, the girls would be on me like a cheap suit.”

Then again it’s all straight girls pretty much kissing other straight girls, so that’s not even an issue from what I can tell.

I dislike that I am too gay for example, to head up a Boy Scout activity - but to many gayfolk, I get all of the advantages of being straight because I’m married to a man.

I don’t want to kiss a girl to get some guy off. I want to kiss a girl to get ME off.

I’m adding nothing to this conversation. I’m not awake enough to post.

55

You know my problem with this? It doesn’t affect me one bit. Don’t get me wrong, two women together is an immensely arousing thought for me. If they do it because they like each other, or are horny, or just want to experiment. If they do it just for effect, it does nothing for me. But that’s not the bad bit.

The bad bit is that these gals think they’re driving every man within five miles crazy, and there’s no way to convince them otherwise. Drives me nuts. If a girl comes up to you and says out of the blue “don’t think I’m gonna let you fuck me!” (and yes, this has happened to me), how on Earth do you explain that you hadn’t even noticed her up to that point? Whatever you say, it’s going to sound like sour grapes. Same deal.

And I can only imagine how difficult it must be for young lesbians when their only rolemodels are these women and Tatu. Thank God for Xena, am I right?

56

I understand and kind of feel the same way but I don’t typically kiss men in public and didn’t kiss my girlfriend in public either. We did dance as a couple and relate as a couple, so maybe we stood close to each other or whatever…and there are a lot of guys who just don’t get it. They think because you are attracted to each other then you must be some kind of ho’s and want to fuck everything in sight. I had men I’d known for years ask to watch. Would they have asked that if I had been dating a guy? NO! So maybe some of that defensive behavior is warranted.

57

Thank you Priceguy. That makes perfect sense.

robgruver however, by having a spouse and a girlfriend, supports my original perception that bisexuals are promiscuous. And because people with my warped perception exist, monogamous people are more hesistant to label themselves as bisexual. This perpetuates the stereotype because then the only bisexuals I hear about are promiscuous ones.

robgruver yes, I do tend to believe that bisexuals are confused, but this is an irrational belief. I was surprised to learn that Anne Heche married a man, but I have no idea why that was surprising to me.

58

You’ve read posts from at least two or three monogamous bisexuals in this very thread:)

And I, BTW, lived for 4-5 years in a heterosexual open relationship. Promiscuity isn’t just a bi thing:)

59

I’ve heard this from so many women. It’s amazing. Even if I thought I had even an outside chance to actually get to watch, even if I didn’t have a shadow of a clue and didn’t care about the women’s feelings, I’d be way too embarrassed to actually ask.

If it was just assertive, like “just so you know, we ain’t interested”, it’d be one thing (and even that would be rude), but it’s not. It’s like “you can’t fuck us, neener neener neener!”. And it’s not even defensive, it’s decidedly aggressive. I hate it coming from anyone, but especially from these pretend-bisexuals.

60

Oo! Ack! No! No! I didn’t mean to imply… sigh Sorry, my above post should have included an “and” in there somewhere.

My ex had the same thoughts as you. That as a bisexual woman, I could conceivably opt for a more “traditional” relationship model and therefore it weighed on her mind when we first got involved – the idea that there were priviledges that I might have to forgo might end up being problematic in the future.

AND, there are many people who also find bisexuality to be threatening because they can’t imagine gender as being irrelevent to the erpson they are sexually attracted to. So they worry that eventually a preference will pop up and they’ll be on the losing end of it.

There, that’s a bit mor elike what I meant.