Oversensitivity, thy name is me.

The BBQ Pit
1

Today’s just one of those days where I can’t seem to take anything right, and I keep beating myself up over the most idiotic issues. Unfortunately, I seem to do this more and more lately.

In addition to my regular job, I work for a friend’s online company. I’m a manager, and we’ve been extremely busy lately. I’m having issues with an employee, and have been trying to take steps to remedy the situation. Today, I fucked up, as did she. However, I should have caught her mistake. I didn’t. That’s what I get for trying to do edits at work during the day.

I called my boss, also a friend, nearly in tears. It’s the second time we’ve had this issue, and it’s driving me crazy. My boss was, luckily, not upset with me, and understood that I need to depend on my employees to do the actual work so that I can edit basic issues like spelling and grammar and formatting. However, sitting here, I just went into my email and found an email from earlier that I missed, and she sounded PISSED. This was prior to our discussion, so I should feel relieved, but I don’t. Instead, it just set me off into a fresh batch of tears.

I’m answering threads understanding what the person is trying to say to me, but of course, getting upset because of ‘perceived’ harshness to me - when I suspect there’s really none there, I’m just reading too much into it - I know in my head that I could have explained what I meant better, but instead, I’m coming across completely wrong.

My husband was going to the store since I’m trying to work out the above issue in an online conference, but every time I asked him to get something, it started new questions. So I got upset with him for not being able to make a decision on his own, and then I cried when he left for being angry with him.

We keep getting telemarketing calls, and I’m ready to go through the roof and strangle these people - we just got THREE in twenty minutes.

Until 2 PM, I was having a great day. But for some reason, I let things get to me too easily and I am way too sensitive about things. It’s not just today. I’m always like this. I hate having people mad at me, I hate making mistakes, and I hate always feeling like I’ve done something wrong. And I constantly feel like that. If I fight with anyone, I have to call them back almost immediately and apologize, even if I haven’t done anything wrong.

I’m so tired of being oversensitive. I really wish I could develop a thicker skin.

E.

2

Elza B, it must really hurt being you today. I’m sorry that it’s been such a sucky day. I can remember what it feels like to be so sensitive to everything and to feel the need to apologize for breathing in everyone else’s world. (I once apologized to my husband for the cat having had diarrhea while we were out of town for the day.)

Do you mind if I ask your general age range?

3

That sounds like something I would do:).

I’m 30. And this is something I’ve dealt with since I was little - I have always been incredibly sensitive, and I have always wanted to apologize for things that aren’t my fault. I’ve been working on it over the past few years, and I have gotten to the point where I can pull back and not take blame for something that I didn’t do, but days like today, I just lapse back into that scared nine-year-old and immediately apologize. I know it’s completely tied into my generalized anxiety disorder, and I’ve been working on that for several years now. Some days it’s worse than others.

Things are better. My work issue has been solved, for the most part, with better results than I expected, I’ve been reading one of my new books to relax, and my husband brought me Spongebob ice cream. Life could be worse.

E.

4

How’s your self-confidence? Cause it sounds a little low - like you don’t think you’re allowed to have all the negative emotions and make mistakes like everyone else. Dr. Joseph Luciani has some great books on this subject with regard to pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I’m not much for self-pitying psychobabble, but I really enjoyed both of his books (probably because he doesn’t go in much for self-pitying psychobabble).

5

Heh - well, my self-confidence usually falls along the lines of “Oh, crap, I messed that up. I SUCK. I can’t do anything right. Great. I’m going to end up living in a cardboard box without even a cup to pee in.”.

I know what I’m good at, but I’m even overly critical on those things (my writing, etc.). My best friend just had a good yell at me earlier (not really yelling, but she was frustrated with me) telling me that I know what I’m doing, I do things well, and I need to realize that I’m not stupid. And I’m not stupid - I know that - but sometimes I feel rather stupid. And I don’t feel like I’m allowed to screw up - which is odd, because I’m not a perfectionist. But I feel like I can’t screw up, and if I do, it’s going to bring on the worst. Case in point, I was sick as hell on Monday - I stayed home with good reason (in fact, I’m still fighting the sore throat from my flu tonight), but I went in on Tuesday expecting to be fired for taking a sick day - although my boss told me she would RATHER I stay home than infect the office. But I always expect the worst, and I don’t give myself enough credit. I went in thinking I fucked up big time, and my boss was going to let me go for staying home.

Thank you for the recommendations - I will check those out. I’ve been trying to find books that aren’t self-pitying - I don’t want pity from myself or others, I just want to figure out why I feel these things and get rid of them.

E.

6

Two bits of advice that have helped me to cut myself some slack:

“Nobody gets their shit together once and for all.” – the daughter of a friend

“Everybody has the right to make an ass of themselves sometimes.” – a character in a favorite movie

My favorite book on self-esteem is Revolution from Within by Gloria Steinem. I would never have dreamed that she had problems with esteem, but she did. I underlined many, many passages in that book and go back to them.

In my own case, my own esteem improved after forty. I quit trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations. But you don’t have to wait until then! :wink:

Glad you’re feeling better.

7

Wow. I really feel for you. You just described how I’ve been feeling lately at my job. In fact, I just had it out with my boss for being a dick about the most insignificant mistakes. For example, I bought 24 lb. paper instead of 20 lb.

I beat myself up enough without him scolding me like a 5-year old for something that should be done by the receptionist anyway, not the Controller.

Because of scoldings like this, I always feel like I’m on the verge of being fired. When I talked to my other boss, he said I’m the best person they’ve had in that position, but I “need to develop a thicker skin”. He said that’s the way business is and to get used to it. I told him that’s no excuse for being spoken to like that. I also said, in the 12 years I’ve been doing this type of work, I’ve never felt so terrible about myself and my abilities like I do now.

They know it’s been really busy and that my father died at Christmas time, so I think they take that into account.

I need a thicker skin, too. If you get one, please pick one up for me too. :wink:

8

Maybe we could get a discount for buying in bulk?

You know the funny thing? My boss right now is probably the best boss I have ever had. She has told me constantly that I am one of the smartest people she’s ever hired, she know I have the potential to go extremely far, and after my interviews, she said she could tell just in that short period of time that I would be an extremely valuable employee and I would learn things easily. She’s told me that my possibilities with the company are limitless, and no boss has ever told me that.

Yet I still freak out over any slight criticism or perceived screw-up on my end. I have a fantastic boss, but I can’t get over my own perceptions of myself.

featherlou, I finally did take that last step and emailed a therapist about cognitive behavior therapy tonight after posting my last message. I need to take an active role in my own mental health, and I can’t keep putting off therapy again. Unfortunately, the closest therapist who practices CBT is an hour from home, and a half hour from work, but I think it’ll be worth it in the end. I’m tired of feeling like this.

E.

9

One of the hallmarks of people with anxiety disorder (and I’m one of them, too) is that we tend to be very good at lots of things, with less than average self-esteem and self-confidence. Doesn’t quite add up, does it?

If you don’t want self-pitying, definitely check out Dr. Luciani. One of the things that stuck with me the most was from his book, “Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression”, pg. 247:

Going to a CBT therapist is great; doing bibliotherapy while going is even better; from “The Feeling Good Handbook” by David D. Burns, M.D. (pg. xxv):

The studies on bibliotherapy were done on depression, but “The Feeling Good Handbook” is useful for “depression, all the anxiety disorders, and interpersonal conflicts as well” (pg. xviii).

Why yes, I have done a little research on this subject. Not all aspects of an obsessive personality are bad, you know. :smiley:

If you have any questions or anything, please feel free to email me, Elza.

10

Except for the “best boss I ever had” part, that is exactly what I was told by my bosses, too. In my position, if I make a mistake, it can be disasterous. I’m a controller and if I fuck up the numbers or calculate something wrong, I’m toast. So not only do I worry about making the big mistakes, I also worry about the little ones (like ordering the “wrong” paper).

11

Elza B:

I am also extremely sensitive, and used to have low self-esteem. I’ve improved both over the years, but I do have another piece of advice:

Take your life one day at a time. Don’t worry too much about the future, or the past, just deal with the present. One of the biggest things that cuts down on self-esteem is worry.

12

Shut up, bitch.

Nono…I’m kidding. I really am. I thought I’d lighten things up a bit with a little joke. Unfortunately, I know just how this feels, and I’m in the middle of some of that myself. Sometimes joking helps, sometimes it doesn’t. I am that way with my big boss, but nobody else, and I can’t figure out why it is that this schmuck gets under my skin so bad that I want to cry. I’m fairly aggressive and strong with other people, and even my other boss, but I feel like a wuss when it comes to the big one. And he’s an ass, lemme tell you. I have no real advice for you other than to find a place to go in your head for a little while when you feel that first flush of wanting to cry. You might get over it for the whole day if you can manage that. I hate it when my face gets hot and I know what’s coming.

13

Okay, I just laughed at that. I needed that, thanks:).

I’m glad others know how it feels. I just know it’s not natural to always be worried or nervous or scared. I want to go to work without dreading something happening that day, you know?

The psychologist I emailed last night actually called me today. He takes my insurance, and we had a nice chat - I have an appointment with him in two weeks for a first session. He really likes the idea of CBT, but he also said he works to tailor it to each individual, otherwise, there’s no point. I got a good feeling from our short meeting, and I do feel like I’m on the road to taking care of it.

One thing I’m damn proud of - aside from short therapy sessions a few years ago that my doctor actually set up for me, I have never actually taken a step to get myself into therapy. The fact that I actually got in touch with this guy and made the appointment is a huge step for me. My husband’s proud of me for that.

featherlou, I am going to send you an email at some point this weekend - I’d like to talk to you a little more in-depth about some books.

E.

14

You got that right - be damned proud of it. Change is hard and scary. Staying stuck in an uncomfortable rut is much, much easier.