For my friday after Thanksgiving today I decided it was time for a last stand against the unclenlyness of my house, or else the the battle will be unwinable. Starting on the dishes I turned on the water, and started doing the random pick things up stage. About 10 minutes later I remebered the water, and ran into the kitchen. I was confronted with Niagra falls running out of my sink onto the tile floor. Anybody who is thinking ahead will put the combination of running plus water plus tile floor together. So one strained thumb, one knee smashed into cupboard and one bruised left buttock later I’m actully working on the dishes while standing on a towel. While attempting to decrudify a knife, the towel slips and I end up with a nice cut across three of my fingers.
Later I’m onto the bathroom everything is going fine until I put my hand on the sink, and the pool of cleanser combined with the three fresh cuts inspire me to do an impromptu dance move, in which several body parts are exceeding the speed of sound(the lyrics however were uncreative, as they mostly consisted of one word repeated over and over).
Onto the living room. I have really long hair. Once this hair escapes it hides in the carpet until someone makes the fatal mistake of vacuuming. After about 10 minutes of vacuuming I notice a strange smell coming from the device that smells alot like burning rubber. I turn the vacuum over and sure enough the roller is completely snagged with hair. I reachdown to unhook the belt without ever noticing a warning that the belt spindle is capable of reaching nova-like temperatures when the roller is clogged. So with blistering burns on my thumb and index finger I start to unclog the roller with the pliers on my leatherman. I finally get a good hold on a huge crosssection of hair. That much hair has a tremendous tensile strength, and require all my strength to pull off. However when it breaks free it all gives and once and the sudden motion surprises me and I manage to shove the end of the needle nose pliers about an 1/8 of an inch into the fatty part of my other palm. I reprise my dance.
Finally I’m back to vacuuming. I see a penny I had missed in my initial flyover, and reach down to pick it up. Somehow I manage to push the vacuum over my hair. Which immediatly starts winding my head in. Fortunately I was able to push the vacuum away(ripping out a sizeable hunk of hair) so I won’t be appearing in any Darwin awards as a guy found dead after have his face ground off by a vacuum cleaner.
Therfore, I now officially surrender to Dirt, Dust, Mud, Hair,Grease, Mildew, and all other forms of scum. You have won. I will go sit in a corner and drink beer quietly, the house is yours.
