A friend recently invited me to a cook-out at her home. We live in Maryland, not far from D.C. She said that if I came I should wear a skirt because her husband’s father was visiting from Iran and he didn’t like to see women in pants. I didn’t go, mostly because of that request. It told me what kind of person this man was and he sure doesn’t sound like my kind of guy. I figured, my friend can cater to this guy if she wants to, but there’s no reason for me to.
But, this whole thing has been bugging me ever since. Granted, maybe I’m preoccupied with it because the situation says a lot about my friend as well as her father-in-law… But, has anybody ever been in a similar situation, on either side? What would you have done? Am I making too much out of it or not?
Personally, I wouldn’t have gone, either. If the guy’s so touchy, I doubt you’d have that much fun anyway. Who wants to spend the afternoon tiptoe-ing around a perfect stranger’s sensibilities?
Not to mention the fact that I would feel uncomfortable intruding on what seems to be sort of a “family” occasion, considering that your friend’s fther-in-law probably doesn’t get the chance to see his son very often.
I’m with you JennaLynn. Whose he to expect us to respect his traditions? After all he’s in America, right? He should do things our way.
Your better off not going, he probably didn’t even speak the language good. And they probably served foreign food anyway. Who do they think they are, expecting us to be polite to a bunch of foreigners?
I hate wearing skirts as much as the next girl, but I think that it is not too much to ask to respenct culture. I once dated a man from a very religious family, and whenever I went to his family events, I wore a long skirt. Yes, it is not my style, but it kept me comfortable around them, and was respectful to their culture. Perhaps the cultural contructs that dictate that women should wear skirts are a little screwy, but for the sake of familial harmony, I would play along. You have to choose your battles, and the right to wear whatever you want around old people of a different culture is not the most pressing problem that I can think of.
I was trying to put myself in your situation, jennalynn, and this is the closest I could come (alterations in bold):
Using that scenario, I think you did the same thing I’d have done, more or less. I’d probably have said something like “What the [expletive] do I [expletive] care what that [expletive] [ethnic slur] likes? What the [expletive] am I now, the [expletive] welcome wagon? Who’s inviting who over to dinner here anyway, [expletive]? I tell you what: you bring that [ethnic slur] over to my house for [expletive] dinner and I’ll [expletive] show him something he’ll never [expletive] forget.”
But, then, I’ve been watching a lot of Sopranos episodes lately. That might affect my attitude a little.
I must have a passive/aggressive streak a mile wide, because when I read the OP, the worst part (for me) was that the friend told jennalynn to wear a skirt. If I was in that position, I would have had a much better response if the friend told me that she was wearing a skirt, because of the quirky little old father-in-law visiting from the old country. Then I would have been happy to wear a skirt in some sort of gesture of solidarity. As an adult, I like to think that I can figure out appropriate dress on my own, instead of being told what to wear as if I were a child.
Thanks for your input.
I would like to say to TV Time that there was no need to imply that I do not respect other people’s cultures. In fact, I have a deep appreciation for them.
For me, that’s not what this was about. For me, it was about one aspect of this man’s culture: discrimination against and control over women. I would not “make myself over”, for even one afternoon, because, to me, that would be giving implicit agreement and approval with his views on how women should act.
I guess the bottom line is that I actually did the most polite and respectful thing I could do - I stayed away.
You were invited to a gathering with a dress-code, with stipulations and you chose not to comply. That is okay. Your friend has chosen a life that includes dealing with her husbands’ family’s beliefs. You might not have chosen this, but she did. You can be glad you didn’t choose this and not understand her choice. I would have problems socializing with a man who wanted to control what I chose to wear, and I wouldn’t choose to be in his presence if what I chose to wore upset him. This man is doomed to be upset when he arrives at the airport and views many women not wearing skirts. I have to agree that you are probably being very considerate by not attending your friend’s get-together; this gentleman will never know your charming personality, but this is his loss.
I’ve been thinking this over, and honestly believe that in that situation, I would have done a similar thing. By all means, this man is free to believe whatever he wants, but he shouldn’t be allowed to impose his views on gender on you, especially if it contravenes your own beliefs. I think you did the best thing possible - by politely declining your friend’s invitation, you managed to:
a) Stay true to what you believe in
b) Avoid causing offence to your friend’s father-in-law
c) Avoid a potentially tension-filled evening
Jennalynn -
Did you tell the friend that you were uncomfortable about the request? I am trying to put myself in your position, and I think if I could talk openly with my friend about why I was bothered, then I would suck it up and attend - in a skirt - if it really seemed important to her. And yet… if the friend didn’t mean so much to me, I’d probably have the same reaction as you did.
When I worked in Japan, I refused to do the whole “serve the male colleagues green tea” thing because I found it demeaning to women. The men have two legs - they can damn well get up and get their tea themselves! Yet, there were male co-workers whom I became close friends with, and when I saw they were busy, I did them a favor and brought them tea. I wouldn’t have done it if it was my DUTY (as a woman), but I did it out of friendship. And yes, they recipricated the small favor.
Hmm. I think I would have gone, if it was a good friend of mine. I would have worn a miniskirt & tank top, haha how’s that for passive-aggressive?
Seriously…if it was a good friend, I would comply. I would, however, wonder about my friend’s relationship with her husband.
I have spent a lot of time in the Middle East, though not Iran. I think it is proper to be respectful of other cultures while in their country (within reason.) I think that people visiting the US need to show us the same courtesy. Good grief, if the father found women in skirts to be upsetting, he would have been better of staying in Iran. :rolleyes:
Okay, color my jaw wide open. On the basis of one remark that the FIL thinks women really shouldn’t wear pants, we’ve now apparently decided that it’s very possible even jennalynn’s friend’s husband believes that women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant and cookin’ for their menfolk. We apparently have concluded that the old guy’s going to just about die of shock the first time he sees a woman in bluejeans.
Don’t any of you ever spend time with older people? Have you never adjusted your behavior in front of a grandparent or an older aunt or uncle, not because you agreed with their standards but because, in spite of their quirks and old-fashioned ideas of propriety, you love the old farts? Maybe that’s all that’s going on here. You’re concentrating on the fact that he’s Iranian and ignoring so many other factors.
Yes, it’s possible that this unknown father-in-law thinks the Islamic Revolution was a terrific idea and would, if he could, insist that all women in his presence wear a chador and not just a skirt. On the other hand, maybe he’s proud to have voted for Khatami and prays every day that the reformers will have their way soon. Maybe he thinks it’s terrific that women can be doctors and teachers… but the skirt issue is a sticking point for him. We don’t know him and we can’t tell.
Jennalynn, if you were uncomfortable, of course you should not have gone. On the other hand, you might have missed a chance to help show him that American women can be strong and independent and feminine.
And KneadToKnow, your kilt analogy isn’t even close to being equivalent. No one in Scotland wears a kilt outside of certain ceremonial occasions, and precious few American men own a kilt. On the other hand, nearly every American woman owns at least one skirt or dress, and many wear them frequently. Skirts are the standard every-day costume for women in many countries, not just Iran.
Some facts are in order here. First of all, in Iran the village/peasant women don’t even wear skirts, they wear the shalvar (loose baggy trousers). And if you go to Tehran you may notice that about half the women there wear blue jeans under their chadors. If this gentleman likes to see skirts on women, that’s his personal preference and has nothing to do with Iranian culture.
For that matter, I’m American and think skirts look incomparably better on women than pants, although I’m as feminist as they come. (For me feminism has to do with equal pay for equal work, ending discrimination, achieving political power, and the like; but clothing is in the aesthetic realm.) If you would like to open up your flamethrowers on me in the Pit for expressing this preference, please feel free.
Right after I read the OP, that’s what I thought. Only a tube top (trashier, even if you have to get them from Goodwill) instead of the tank. And hooker boots.
And if the Little Woman had to wear this, then by God, so would I. (Maybe not the hooker boots. Who wants sweaty thighs?)
Actually a “good friend” wouldn’t impose a dress code. A “good friend” would just tell you their nut-job father-in-law is coming and maybe we can get together some other time.
-Rue
I would have worn my girl’s size 14 shorts and brought along a mini-skirt that barely covered my butt! Then if your friend complained about the one, you could change into the other.
If you’re really passive-aggressive, you could do this without wearing panties!
I don’t know what that acronym means, but yes, that’s why I would have been bothered by the situation in the OP. There are other ways to communicate the style and tone of an event without giving someone an ultimatum of “wear this, or don’t come.”
