How can your wife distinguish which offers of help feel like she’s calling you incompetent and which ones feel like she’s offering to share a burden?
I think “can handle” it is a weird way to look at 99% of offers to help. I can “handle” loading up the car with the luggage for the family vacation or cleaning up after a party or raking the yard. A 10 year old can handle these things. But they are awkward and annoying and go much, much faster when the task is split. In my case, I don’t want to ASK for help because in my mind, asking is effectively demanding–what sort of asshole turns down a direct request for help?–it’s basically forcing you to help me, which I don’t want to do. But if you aren’t doing anything important, I would really, really like the help. Does that make any kind of sense to you?