Parenthood changes the brain?

In My Humble Opinion
1

After experiencing 21+ months of the whole parenthood schtick (I’m including the 9 odd months before birth as the stress extended back AT LEAST that far before birth.) I’m looking for your observations:

Roughly 6 months after the kids were born, the Wife and I decided a little medical assistance was necessary in handling the stress of twin boys, unstable work, paying off debt, and all the thousands of other stressors that are too depressing to list.

Enter Lexapro. It was great. I felt exactly normal, like I did before kids. It just took the part of me that was angry or stressed and lopped it off.

I did that for three months or so and we again decided to stop taking it. There were no I’ll effects from stopping, no withdrawl symptoms that I could see.

But the anger came back. I dunno if it’s the added stress of NOT getting mad at your kids when they do stuff. (They don’t know any better, and it’s too soon to discipline them in any meaningful way.)

I’m finding that little stuff sets me off, and KEEPS me mad for longer than it should. In talking through Yet Another Much Ado About Nothing, my wife wondered if the act of becoming a parent changes you. She noticed herself behaving much more like her Mother, and that I (correctly) was starting to behave much more like my father.

Having felt the deep sweeping emotion of holding your child for the first time, and battling sleep deprivation for 4 odd months, I’m wondering if parenthood DOES irrevocably change the behavior of the brain.

So, dopers, what have YOU experienced?

2

Of course it does – it’s an evolutionary survival trait, needed so the sleep-deprived parents don’t throttle their kids to death when Junior starts screaming like a banshee at 4:00am for no reason whatsoever. :wink: You have to be a parent to put up with that sort of stuff.

Lack of sleep, lack of free time, lack of a persona life… but hey, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. :slight_smile:

3

My twins aren’t here yet (hoping to schedule C-Section this week!!!) so I can’t speak from personal experience, but I have been doing a lot of research on dealing with the downside of parenthood. It sounds to me like your situation is absolutely normal and to be expected. You might enjoy reading The Girlfriend’s Guide to Surviving the First Year for a compassionate and funny take on parenting. I’ve also found some excellent message boards at BabyCenter.com (although most of the posters aren’t on a par with Dopers).

I do know from experience that when I’m spiritually/emotionally/physically fried, it’s really difficult not to respond by imitating my parents (as opposed to making choices more deliberately). That’s true with or without children around adding to the stress.

I hope that you and your wife will avail yourselves of some additional resources to help you out - maybe go back on the Lexapro or join a support group? Find a way to get out of the house & away from the family now and then? Practice deep breathing and a Zen-type detachment?

Personally, I’m planning to put all of my personal goals on hiatus so that I can just laugh my way through as I go along for the ride.

4

Does being a parent change you? The obvious question is YES! It changes everything about you. How you sleep, eat, have sex, go to the bathroom…what you wear, who you are friends with…what you worry about.

But the more pertinent question is: Does constant stress change you? From your post it seems like that is the problem, more than parenthood per se.

Do you think you would find parenthood as stressful if money were no object? If you had no other responsibilities other than caring for your children? If neither you nor your wife had to hold down a job? If you could pay for services like cooking, cleaning, home and yard maintenance?

My guess is you would answer that parenthood itself would not be so stressful.

But it would still be somewhat stressful, even if you only had one baby… and you had two! (with possibly the concomitant health worries of twins?).

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Life is hard, period. Life with twins, job and money troubles is really hard! You can love your kids and still acknowledge that it is hard.

Do what it takes to manage the anger. If that means going back on Lexapro (an antidepressant? I’ve not heard of that one?) DO IT! Nothing undermines a marriage faster than blowing up at little things. If it means joining a support group or doing marriage counseling, or carving out a sacred piece of private time each week or each month, in addition to the Lexapro, DO IT! Those kids aren’t going to get any easier as they hit the age of 2.

You and your wife must remain a team and it’s not going to work if you’re always screaming at each other because someone left the kitchen cabinet door open or didn’t get around to mowing the lawn.

Figure out what will help you deal, figure out what will help your wife deal. This is your life. It isn’t going to matter to anyone as much as it matters to you.

carlotta
(who feels compelled to list her credentials as a stressed person.

first child died after 4 months of terminal illness
husband and self unemployed for 6 months of 2003
subsequent 6 months, husband employed, but living in a different city
while self cared for 2nd and 3rd children alone.
2nd child just kicked out of preschool
now whole family living with in-laws :slight_smile: )

5

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback. I’ve been rather careful to make sure I DO have time to get out and away from everything, but part of the problem is: I had too many hobbies, and my wife didn’t have enough. So I’m feeling crappy at not being able to really get into (auto repair, photography, computers, reading, whatever) and my wife gets a stretch of time and it just falls back to cleaning a house that won’t be as clean as it was before the kids for several years.

I’m getting back on lexapro (an SSRI, not an MAOI - http://www.lexapro.com/home/default.asp ) and will see if Mrs. Blank is up for it too. It worked well with the exception of some minor sexual sideeffects, now that we know what to expect in THAT department, it’ll be easier to handle.

I think the LAST conversation we had really helped as the rest of the weekend was a nice quiet one. (the fact we got out sunday and spent it with friends couldn’t have hurt either.)

So again, thanks Dopers!

(oh, and fessie: Twins are only about 15% worse than a single kid…especially if they’re your firsts…when you’re feeding one, you’re feeding the other as well…same goes with diapering, napping, clothing, etc. But perhaps that’s best left to another thread,)