I could’ve started the thread in GQ, but I’m looking for IMHO answers. I’ve read that giving birth can change a woman’s sexuality or sexualness or whatever the right
term(s) are. I mean how she experiences sex and her sexuality etc.
We’ve read that giving birth changes things.
I’ve had lovers who had not had children and lovers who have had children, but I’ve never had the same lover in both states. Soon, my wife will give birth and I’m just wondering.
It varies from woman to woman. At first you will probably notice a big change, as she will be sleep deprived and her hormones will be readjusting. Breastfeeding can also reduce desire (not always, though.) Plus some women have a hard time switching from mom mode to wife mode at first, and it is hard to feel sexy when you are waiting for your stomach to go back down to size and you are covered in spit up.
For me it was more of a psychological shift, not a physical difference. Once my body got back in shape things were familiar in that aspect, although there are bound to be some permanent changes, exercise can help minimize those.
On the other hand, having a baby made my husband and I closer emotionally, which in the end can make you feel closer in all aspects. You now have this little one that you created together and you are both responsible for and love like crazy, and that made me feel a new love and attraction to my husband. It took time for things to level out though. Try to be patient with your wife and make sure you are affectionate with her without pressuring her for sex until she is ready, that is my advice.
Of course, some men feel differently towards their wives after birth too, so there might be changes on your part as well. You may be attracted to her nurturing side, you may even feel jealous of the baby and her attention to it. The first few months will be a roller coaster so give things time to settle down, what you experience in the beginning is not necessarily a permanent change. It’s hard to give specifics of what will happen since it is so different for people so my advice is just be open and communicate with your wife about what you both want, and for there to be extra patience at first.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Would you be so kind as to speak to the longer term changes , if any?
Longer-term changes can really vary from woman to woman as well.
For many of the moms I know, at least the ones willing to canvass the subject, sleep deprivation/incredible busyness does not disappear with the infant years, so moms’ sex drives tend to suffer. When you’ve been up since 6 on a weekday, running kids to school, yourself to work, and then the kids to various activities after school plus cooking supper and trying to clean house, you don’t tend to have a lot left for the bedroom at the end of the day, except the fervent desire to sleep in it as soon as possible. Dads can be that busy, too, and between the two of you, you may not find a good time to be intimate more than once a week. This comes as a real shock to multiple-times-a-week pre-baby couples. Then again, it’s possible to retain that level of passion with lots of personal commitment; I just don’t know that many people personally who have, at least not who will admit to it.
I found two things to be true on the longer term: 1) What happened outside the bedroom really affected how I felt inside it; 2) Physically I did change.
The first and most major thing was how much our relationship outside the bedroom affected my desire inside it. If I felt short-changed outside the bedroom, I had no enthusiasm inside it. I couldn’t seem to leave anger, resentment, etc. outside the door anymore. Although that may have been the case pre-baby, it seemed much more pronounced post-baby. For me, if he wasn’t helping with the 3 am feeding or the house or anything, he could pretty much forget about the sex, too, because I was in no mood, in between tiredness and resentment. Pre-babies, I could potentially set all that aside or get wrapped up in a passionate moment. Post-baby was much harder, probably because I was already exhausted and spontaneous encounters were much fewer.
The second thing was that I did change physically with each kid. I didn’t notice it much the first time around, although I did seem maybe a tiny bit looser and perhaps even angled a bit differently. Slightly different things, physiologically speaking, pleased me. Not a big change, but enough for me to notice. The second kid really changed everything. I was one of the very unlucky few who ends up with permanent episiotomy scarring and other physical consequences, so sex is not nearly as pleasurable for me as it used to be. Let me stress again that this is uncommon, but it takes every woman a while to get back into the swing of things post-baby, especially if she notices physical changes as I did.
Mrs. Furthur
Thank you also for your very thoughtful reply. I do appreciate the time you have both spent.
What about orgasms? Easier, more difficult, the same?
Well, it was weird. After Kid One, easier. After Kid Two, no longer possible via intercourse, though that is not typical.
Mrs. Furthur
Many women become too “in tune” to the baby, to the point where they give up their own needs to tend to the baby (whether it needs tending or not). Being an equal partner in the care of the baby will allow her to think in terms of you two as a couple rather than herself strictly as a mom and caregiver. More time for sex!
For me, after the first few months it really has been the same. I am actually quite suprised at the way my body returned to normal, for the most part. I am sure this is not true for everyone, I was 26 when I had him and I do exercise, and he was my first baby so I am sure all of this was a factor. Physical changes were not the challenging part for me at all (after my episiotomy healed, anyway.)
One thing that was different for me, was that I breastfed for the first 12 months and during that time it was hands off of those for my husband. He liked them because they were bigger but I couldn’t get into them as sex objects as long as my baby was using them, plus they could be sensitive and I just felt like I didn’t need anyone else on there after baby took his turn :). One user at a time, you know?
As far as really long term effects, our son is only 16 months so I can’t say too far out what happens, and I am sure a second child would mean a whole new ball game too. The biggest change now is that a toddler is very demanding of time and attention and sometimes I can feel very drained at the end of the day, and don’t want to see any sign of neediness from my husband. It sounds harsh but it happens.
As others have said, and it may sound like a cliche, but what happens outside the bedroom really affects what happens inside. Some days you just feel like there is nothing left to give. If that happens with you it can really help to show your wife that you want to take care of her, and not only in sexual ways. When my husband shows me that he has been thinking about what I need, even if it is something like doing a load of laundry or taking the baby out for the afternoon then I can feel the stress level coming down and I am more open to him in return. But I do want to know when my husband is feeling neglected, so we try to be open about things. 11 at night when I am falling into bed is not the time to start that conversation, however.
One thing that I do love about my husband is how he is a wonderful dad! That can really be a new source of attraction for your wife, and for you to see her be your child’s mom can be attractive too. You really start to see your partner in a new light.
I truly appreciate your responses. Thank you.
We’re full of all sorts of hopes and anxieties as you can well imagine. I’m just trying to get a feel for things to come.
It’s relatively easy to find data and GQ type of info, but it’s usually so dry and generic to not seem useful.
Thank you all some more and again.
If anyone else cares to chime in please do so. The more the better informed we’ll be.
I’ll add this, since I remember what the uncertainty is like before your first baby. Remember as you read all the stats that they don’t mean that you as a couple will turn out that way. Many people will tell you that your sex life and relationship with your wife will be shot after a baby, and for many people this can happen. This does not mean it will happen to you, and you are not powerless to keep it from happening. If you have a good relationship with your wife now, having a baby does not have to end it, and likely won’t. I was afraid of losing myself after a baby, but my husband and I were suprised at how nicely he fit in with us. By that I mean, my husband and I are still ourselves, and our routines may have changed but we are still us. We have a new person with us but we did not give up ourselves on his behalf.
There are so many sources out there that will scare the crap out of you before you have a baby, saying how hard it is and how your marriage can suffer and all kinds of things. I find it is good to hear the good aspects sometimes too, but people don’t offer up that side of it as often for some reason. Having our son I believe has enhanced our marriage and he is a fun little kid to be around. I wish more people had said things like this to me when I was pregnant, so that’s why I am saying this to you. I got tired of people telling me the horrors of pregnancy and babies and your life is over blah blah blah. It isn’t always easy and I wouldn’t tell anyone that, but it is wonderful and babies can be lots of fun!
Good luck to you and your wife.
Thank you again. I really do appreciate it.
I wonder if any guys’ll chime in?
That’d be helpful too.