Our little girl (almost 4) told me tonight that she isn’t pretty. It broke my heart.
She has a digital picture frame by her bed and we’ve loaded a bunch of pictures on it - pictures of her and pictures of our family. We were looking at it before her bedtime and she told me she wanted me to get rid of all the pictures that show her by herself because she isn’t beautiful - she’s only beautiful at Christmastime (I don’t know where that one came from). She said it in a serious voice but not in a particularly upset voice. I told her she is beautiful every day - that she is smart and sweet and fun and strong and beautiful and special. I didn’t know what else to do - I was at a loss.
So obviously in our efforts to have a happy confident child with healthy self-esteem, we have somehow placed too much of an emphasis on looks. (For example if she dresses up in a princess dress, we tell her how beautiful she is).
How do we undo this? Help?
(As her mom, I have felt bad about my looks my whole life - I never felt attractive - so her comments REALLY hit home for me). I have been on the verge of tears ever since. I’d really appreciate any advice you can give.
I have no idea if your daughter is pretty or not, but, you know, even if she isn’t, there’s more to life than that. So, maybe let her know that even if she’s not pretty, that she’s got other positive traits?
I may have mentioned this already, but I was reading a friend’s kid a book of fairytales not too long ago and found myself replacing every mention of a princess’s beauty (in every single damn story), saying Rapunzel was ‘great at math’ and Cinderella ‘was really funny.’ I guess that’s all you can do – bite your tongue when you find yourself commenting on anyone’s physical beauty (or lack thereof) and assuring her that she is both beautiful and that that is not as important as her brain and her heart.
Do your daughter an enormous favor and try to avoid commenting on looks. Comment on how smart, how strong, how kind, etc she is, if you feel the need. Take it a step further, and comment more on neutral things, or on her actions and what she tries to do that is positive. If she dresses up like a princess, you can let her define what she’s playing and how she feels in the dress. Empower princesses. Don’t leave them to sit around looking pretty. Maybe her princess has fast running powers, or can sing magical songs, or fights dragons. Or if she does a painting, just talk about it how fun painting is and what she painted. We can be very positive and involved, without judging and complimenting kids all the time. Our automatic comment to girls is often, “Oh you’re beautiful!” We mean it in the nicest way, but it sends a message that looks are VERY important. And instead of complimenting little kids a lot, I like to say things like, “Well, look at you <whatever activity they’re doing or trying to show you>!” which seems to give them the brief attention they wanted without stepping on or judging (even kindly) what they’re doing.
I agree with the above posters about not emphasising looks. And if you do comment on her looks, do so specifically. (After brushing her hair: “Wow - look at how beautifully your hair is curling today.”)
I don’t think this is something for you to be overly concerned about though. The fact that she thinks she’s pretty at Christmas means that she has some kind of internal gauge - possibly clothing and/or hairstyle/makeup related. Also the fact that she was solemn, but not upset.
I’ll leave you with a story about my five-year-old son. As he has a VERY high forehead I make sure he has long bangs. Well, his father took him to get his haircut, and he came back with a short, spiky, sticking-up do. At home he was staring in the mirror and saying “Who do I look like Mommy?” He finally figured out who he meant and said proudly “I look like Frankenstone!” And yes, he did resemble Frankenstein. But it didn’t bother him.
I support the above comments - don’t take it too seriously. Children soon learn what gets a reaction from you and the last thing you want is her realizing that this topic will get your reaction. All her other positives are more important. Brains sure last longer than beauty!
If she says she’s not pretty, then jokingly reply with something like “Says who?” If she answers that someone has said that, you have something concrete to deal with. If she can’t, then you can say that you are sure someone would have said so if it was true, and move on as if it is a trivial topic.
Having said all that, I also believe we are dealing with a beauty industry that is encroaching on our children’s lives earlier and earlier, and is doing a great deal of damage. As a teacher, I have watched teenagers, male and female, really depressed over self-image. So it is something to watch, but not to allow in the conversation as a serious issue, if at all possible. I really wish sensible people - especially parents - were able to gang up on the fashion/pop culture media.
What a sad thing to hear from a lovely little girl.
I’m not a parent, so I appreciate I’m not qualified to advise you, but I did experience this a lot as a child growing up and was made very aware that I didn’t fit the ‘ideal beauty’, whatever that was.
One thing that really affected me growing up was how my mother, who I thought was so amazingly beautiful, constantly made disparaging comments about her body and appearance. She would also comment on how much she had eaten, even though she was very tall and slim. If someone complimented her, she would always deny it and say that she looked awful, that the dress wasn’t new or even particularly nice, that sort of thing.
You know how you have those little childhood memories, little things that have stuck with you? I remember lying next to my mother on the couch, with my head against her. I said how lovely and comfy her tummy was, and she physically moved away and said, ‘Don’t say that, it’s horrible.’ I honestly had no idea what she meant. I was probably about eight at the time. It’s always stuck with me.