“I used to have 6 theories about raising children.
Now I have 3 children and no theories.”
My mother raised us accordign to these princeples:
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Children grow up in spite of us, never because of us.
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Dirt dosen’t hurt.
“Are you bleeding or dead?”
“well, then go and play.”
This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass…
If it’s on the floor, I get to step on it.
Who are these kids, anyway? And why are they calling me “Mom”?
Leave the dog alone, fer cryin’ out loud! And shut that door!
- I don’t care who started it.
- OK, just two more bites.
- Don’t do that please. You make more work for Mommy.
That’s it. I have now officially become my mother.
- Don’t pee in the tub.
- The cat’s tail is not detachable.
- Don’t drink out of the milk carton. I don’t care how many times you see me do it.
Jeez…there’s thousands of these things.
No blood, no Band-Aid
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No one ever went to college still addicted to a pacifier (or in diapers, or still breastfeeding… insert behavior people are nagging you about here)
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You’ve got 18 years to teach them independence, why try to cram it all in the first year? (now, two years)
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A little dirt is good for the immune system
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I have to repeat the “This Too Shall Pass” – it’s a mantra around here
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Do not ask WHY. If you ask why, the answer is always… “I don’t know” (Bill Cosby did a bit on this and it’s true, my daughter doesn’t know ANYTHING!)
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Tell your kids you love them every single day, many times a day.
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Give up on being punctual, it will just raise your blood pressure.
I could go on, but will leave that for others.
Carpe diem, def.
Or, carpe canem…you know, for when I get a dog and become the (adopted) parent of a canine. 
“If you are cold, either put on a sweater or do some work.”
“Do you want me to stop this car?”
“I could have done that!” (After you ask one child to call the others to dinner, and they turn around and bellow “Dinner!”)
“Do you think I’m talking just to hear myself?” (Well, at least then SOMEONE would be listening.)
“How many times must I tell you ___?” (Well, apparently at least once more.)
“Go outside and play.”
“How could any kid not like (fill in the food). You liked it yesterday!”
Not really a motto, but a little theory for little kids: when they get into something, say pulling books off the shelf, if whatever they are doing keeps them busy for longer than it will take you to clean up, consider it a net gain.
Don’t run in the house!
You’ll poke your eye out!
Keep doing that and it’ll stay that way.
That’s it, now you’re both in trouble!
Have you seen my keys?
How many times do I have to tell you not to put the pet in the dryer?
No! We’re not there yet!
Put that back on the store shelf!
Are you sure you don’t want to go before we leave?
You’re d@mn right you’ll never do it again.
[sup]Said just before a spanking.[/sup]
Another Bill Cosby:
I brought you into this world; I can take you out.
Also, to the never-ending “why is” the sky blue, that guy driving slow in the fast lane, macaroni and cheese yellow, etc:
Just to make you ask questions (I love Calvin’s dad and wish I could come up with his explanations).
And the most important:
I love you, you little boogerhead.
“Mommy’s the Mommy, Daddy’s the Daddy, you are the Baby.”
And, a most useful phrase:
“We’ll see.”
“I’m not supposed to be fun, I’m your mother.”
“Life’s not fair – get used to it.”
“What good is a dwarf if they don’t do your chores?”
(taken from Henry Fonda in On Golden Pond, talking about why his grandson should have to do some work around the house. It is still my mother’s favorite.)
And my personal favorite, now that my mom keeps bringing up how much she would like a gradnchild …
“The more you whine, the longer you have to wait.”
Seeing as I have no kids, I’ll just quote my mother:
“It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt!”
“Go ask your father”
“Let me think about it first”
“You can’t watch this movie, it’s rudie-rudes”
“turns around in the car and glares at me and my siblings fighting in the backseat If you don’t stop that, you can all walk!”
“Get off there, you’ll fall and break your neck!”
I have so many more.
Phrases heard from my mother:
“If you keep moving like that, the beating will take longer.”
“Next time I want to see what I’m signing. That contract you wrote isn’t valid. You tricked me into signing it.”
(I did trick her into signing a document that gave me legal power over her finances and life. It was an ‘Indentured Servant’ contract, and I told her it was a permission slip for a field trip.)
“You’re happy. I hate that.”
“That’s why you should only do things you are good at.”
“I’m not a stupid bitch, I’m your mother, and I deserve respect.”
“Scaring me with fake spiders is NOT FUNNY.”
“I’m going to sell you to the first person who makes an offer.”
Real quotes from my personal Evil Satan Mom.