Keep in mind that this whole story has unfolded in the last month or so. Previously, we thought he was an ordinary slightly unfocused kid navigating that tricky transition from middle school to high school. His previous progress report wasn’t that bad, and the depth of his low grades on his report card were a complete surprise.
The parents are not particularly well off. The father is a blue collar tradesman who bought a fixer-upper in a nice neighborhood and made improvements at cost. They live a middle class life, but I don’t think they have much in savings. They have a small side business that provides low-cost travel back and brings in a little extra cash, but it’s not something that can grow much or provide much stability. They save pennies by doing a lot of their shopping and health care in the Old Country, where the dollar goes further.
It’d be nice if they were more present, but there isn’t much OlderBro can do about how they manage their lives. If you can think of any good messages to convey to them, that might be helpful. I think the pot has certainly opened their eyes to how serious the problem is. But OlderBro has been telling them for months that Mike isn’t going to be as easy a kid as he or MiddleBro were. I think they genuinely haven’t really seen that until now.
Of course someone needs to say something, but I’m trying to say that it should be the parents, because I suspect that the kid is acting out to get their attention. He is looking for the parents to be involved with his life, so having the brothers do the dirty work may not solve much.
If in fact the brothers get the job, they should probably acknowledge the behavior of the parents, and how it’s crappy and confusing and they understand how the Bad Kid feels.
Based on what you’ve written, it sounds like the beginning of a downward spiral that could turn bad very quickly. Contrary to what some say, this is not normal behavior for a 14-year-old. It’s more normal for a 14-year-old who’s going to end up dropping out, being a lifelong loser, committing serious crimes, or worse. I’m sure there are some examples of kids who got into hard liquor and drugs and age 14 and turned out all right, but that doesn’t mean one should bet on it happening. Serious intervention is necessary here.
A parent in the house is NOT the same as supervision.
OlderBro needs to tell the kid; “If you F up one more time, I’m gonna kick the snot out of you.” And mean it. And do it.
O.Bro also needs to convince the parents that if they don’t take control of the kid, the US authorities will make their lives miseable in multiple ways. All it takes is one call from a parent.
Right now, the parents are enabling him to do as he pleases. They need to become involved in his life. They need to control him. No excuses allowed, from the kid or them.
If they can’t control him (but they are his source of dope money), perhaps a boot-camp type program is in order.
At age 14, this kid is flushing himself down the toilet.
The parents need to wake up, pull their heads out of their collective asses and take active control of the kid’s life. Total loss of all privileges: no tv/radio/cellphone/visitors, etc. Parents take him to school and pick him up. All grades must be C or higher. He can and will be randomly tested for drug use at any time. His room will be searched at any time.
If he wants privileges, he can earn them back, one at a time, by adhering to the rules and showing good behavior. If he fails a drug test or refuses to take one, or violates the rules, then the parents need to make his life a total hell until he complies.
And OlderBro needs to take the little shit out behind the garage and kick his ass. That will probably have more effect than anything.
I’m with Clothahump, with one exception- the parents need to make it clear that this is unacceptable behavior and give him a token shot at cleaning his act up first.
Coming down on him like a ton of bricks if there are no expectations that the kid not do drugs and drink is just going to set him against them, but if they explain the rules and give him a chance, it legitimizes the parents response later when they come down like ten tons of bricks.
It sounds like the parents are kind of uninvolved in this kid’s life, and that’s the crux of the problem- he doesn’t feel like there’s any oversight or concern, so he’s going to do what he wants, which apparently includes drinking, pot smoking and screwing around in school.
Stop advocating assault. Even if it’s “just” a few arm-punches between brothers, that doesn’t make it okay. And even if you’re pro-corporal punishment (I’m not), this kid is *far *above the age where physical punishment is going to function. If you disagree, welp: what’s most important is you can’t know how someone will respond to being hit in the long-term. Maybe it’ll make him realize he’s been an asshole, and he’ll change for the better. Maybe it’ll make him hate and resent you, and forever extinguish any sense of trust he had in you. You just *cannot *know. It’s *not *a good idea.
sets soapbox aside Don’t think that kids in a “nice middle class neighborhood” can’t possibly be exposed to drugs and alcohol like they are in “those” neighborhoods (not that you’re doing this, but it sounds like his parents are). This kid’s life is falling off the rails. He’s at an age where his peers have the largest influence on him, rather than his parents or family. He’s not going to get back on track unless the parents completely change their parenting style. They’re handling his “misbehavior” in a far too laissez-faire fashion. Olderbro needs to approach his parents with the evidence that the kid lied to them, and they need to crack the fuck down. Intensive boundary-setting, 24/7 monitoring, and heavy restriction of privileges is the only thing that’s likely to work. And this HAS to come from his parents, unless one of his brothers is willing/able to assume the duties of full-time parenting.
Alternatively, if he’s the type to be concerned with legal consequences, a scared straight method as detailed by Alice the Goon above may be appropriate.
Of course, whether or not this works is 100% dependent on whether he will accept boundaries. Parents can make all the rules they want and ground a child until he’s 18… but behavior is still the child’s choice. Unless they put bars on his windows, or he goes to jail, he can’t be FORCED to adhere to the new rules. In that case, it may just be too late. Maybe he was a bad seed all along, or maybe he picked up some bad habits when he ran wild with the crew in Old Country. It’s unfortunate if that’s how this plays out… but not even the strictest parents could control their child’s every thought and action.
Anyway, if nothing else, *please *tell the parents of the girls he’s pressuring into smoking. It’s one thing for the kid to ruin his own life. It’s quite another to dominate/potentially ruin the life of girls his age. If he has no problem pressuring girls into breaking the law, then he likely has (or will soon have) few compunctions with pressuring them into having sex with him.
Sounds like the kid is trying to get his parents attention. As in, hoping someone cares that he’s running his life off the rails. And his parents are in denial, they don’t get it.
His brother can try stepping in to demonstrate that someone expects more from him. But, unless they are in almost daily contact chances are slim, it seems to me.
What he needs is his parents to step it up and demand to know, WTF? Minimizing his behaviour, sending him back to the old country to run wild, and leaving him unsupervised is exactly the wrong approach, I think.
Honestly until they are willing to challenge him and demand more, I think he will just keep escalate his acting out.
It’s truly a call for help, and his parents think doing nothing is the answer.
Thinking his decision-making process is a “cry for help” is an unnecessary complication. It’s also more likely to lead to heartbreak if/when intervention fails (omg, he was crying for help and we couldn’t help him! boohoo! etc). Anyway, his motivation is probably much simpler than that. Getting drunk and high makes (most) people feel very, very good in the short-term. In this kid’s case, there are absolutely no immediate negative consequences for getting drunk and high all the time. So why *shouldn’t *he? Unless he is given a secondary reason to care about his bad grades (like getting constantly hassled, grounded, credibly threatened with shipping off to boarding school), there may not be any reason at all for him to care about his grades. In fact, getting good grades can be a social disadvantage in some peer groups.
Have you considered that maybe he doesn’t want to go to college? Maybe he doesn’t even care whether he graduates high school? If he doesn’t care about those things, then someone could try giving him a reason to care about his grades. Even if it’s only avoiding the unpleasant consequences at home, it’s better than nothing.
Boarding school has worked well for a lot of smart kids who fell in with bad crowds at home. But it’s expensive and a bit of a nuclear option.
Update: Mike is on complete lockdown, no longer trusted to even walk to school on his own. His birthday present from OlderBro was a long, grim lecture about the choices he has in his life.
I’m hoping he’s been found out early enough that it can be nipped in the bud. I seem to recall Freshman year being a pretty complicated time where you are moving between friend groups and figuring out where you fit in. Hopefully he finds a better crowd to run in.