Hell it’s worse than that. There’s a woman here in the UK that has just been sentenced to 2 weeks in jail ** for the second time ** because her kid plays truant.
Also Hypocrisy, in my opinion, is condemning someone for an action which you currently perform. The old ‘Do as I say don’t do as I do’ saw. BUT if however you learned from your mistakes, and no longer act in that way, then what is wrong with trying to steer your kids away from making the mistake in the first place?
I am an ex smoker, does that mean that if i have a kid who takes up smoking say at age 10 that i have no moral right to object? even though I no longer smoke?
That said, any parent who bragged about their own sexual promiscuity whilst enforcing strict sexual guidelines would be, in my opinion, an asshat. But if they were enforcing those same rules, whilst explaining the negative impacts of their own sexual promiscuity as a teen and the regrets they had, then that would be fine in my book.
I’m not sure where you’re from or where you grew up, but it was quite different, in this area at least, for a lot of kids. I don’t purport to know when you grew up, either, but times are a changin’, and what was once sacred no longer is, yadda yadda.
I grew up in Southern California. Lo, so many years ago. But not so long ago that I didn’t see pregnancy, drugs, and so forth, around me. (Drugs were a particular issue and something that was frequently around me and very available to me. Not that I ever tried any drugs, but hoo boy, they were there.) Not all kids were swayed by their parents’ warnings or feelings of disappointment, but I was. And I daresay I wasn’t the only one.
And I don’t know what you mean about “times a changin’.” Do you mean that no parent, nowhere, can tell their kids that they don’t want them to do this or that without any hopes of getting a positive response? That no kid, nowhere, gives a shit about how disappointed their parents might be, and that a threat of disappointment could never have a bearing on how the kid behaves or in what choices the kid makes?
Look, the problem is not your kids having sex. The problem is kids having sex and not being physically or emotionally prepared. If you make it inconvienent for your child to have sex in your house, then you may stop them from having some sex, but it almost assured that they will still simply have sex somewhere else. If the goal is to stop the bad things associated with sex, then a safe place and a stock of condoms beats “Not in my house!” every time.
I want to jump in here too. I’m tired of hearing about parents who brag about how their kids *never * have sex, and never * do anything bad. And then all too often they’re the ones with the STDs or the pregnancies. For Og’s sake, people, please teach your kids about condoms and birth control and the psychological and emotional ramifications of sex! My parents never even said the word “sex” to me until I was 20, and then it was dad (I’m a girl, it should have been mom, I wanted it to be my mom).
The time is past when you let their husbands/wives/lovers teach them about these sort of things. It will serve to make them better people if the people who love them the most teach them.
*I hope the originator of this word doesn’t mind me using it. I like this idea. Thanks!
We plan on teaching our boys the vagina is a dark and scary place suitable for inserting, say, your tongue or fingers but, under no cicrumstances, your penis.
Funny…when I was in, oh, I think it was my junior year of high school, I acquired a boyfriend. Both of the mothers involved said, “If you want to, go ahead, but BE CAREFUL DAMMIT.” More or less, anyway. I also knew that if I had sex without a ton of precautions, I’d be dead meat if she found out about it. And I certainly didn’t want to get pregnant or get a disease (not that my boyfriend had a disease…he was a virgin as well!).
How old was I when I finally did have sex (with somebody else)?
Granted this is anecdotal, but I had information and the choice was left up to me. I didn’t want to deal with the consequences, so we didn’t have sex. Certainly not all teenagers would have held out, but being given permission takes the forbidden fun part out of sex, and without that, at seventeen it didn’t seem like the smartest thing I could be doing.
Why do you automatically assume that your teen will be so careless that they won’t use birth control? Are you planning on raising your child to be irresponsible and ignorant?
But I bet that more often than not, it’s the irresponsible people that end up pregnant.
That said, where do you think responsible sex is more likely to occur-- in a place where the parents have accepted that the kids are probably going to anyway, and thus have a supply of “safe sex” products; or in the bathroom of some movie theater because there’s nowhere else to go?
I think the only problem I have with that is the word enforcing
You cannot enforce celibacy. Celibacy is a choice, one that your child has to make and not one that you can make for them.
Parents should celebrate teen celibacy.
Parents should educate about teen celibacy.
Parents should educate about every sexually transmitted disease and the responsibilities of teen parenthood.
Parents should educate about why celibacy is the easiest method of avoiding all these things, but not leave out the more difficult and less reliable methods of avoiding it if they make a choice other than celibacy.
Oh… and if you as a parent actually have a comfortable “talking about sexual stuff with your teen” sort of relationship. Talk about masturbation and that it’s perfectly ok to release some of those teen hormones/sexual tension that way. Don’t expect them to be without sexual release entirely… they are still celibate even if they are off masturbating every 20 minutes. (assuming they are doing it alone)
A) Take responsibility for raising their own offspring, with their own time and money
B) Terminate the pregnancy
or
C) Give the offspring to someone who would joyfully care for them.
None of these scenarios resemble what Abbie Carmichael described in her post.
Popping out a kitten and handing it to Mom so you can finish High School is the height of irresponsibility and it shows selfishness and disrespect towards your parents. My mother raised me with enough respect for her, that I would never have assumed she’d babysit the brat I concieved behind the bleachers after the big game. I always understood that if I was fertile, I and I alone was responsible for the result of my fertility. I behaved accordingly.
Yeah, but it often seems to be exercised in a misguided way. When I was 15, after a blow-up over me being “caught” having sex, I got the big “As long as you’re under my roof, you obey my rules” speech.
Well, I had plenty of responsibilities by that time, (including in bringing in part of the household income) and didn’t think that the arrangement was equitable, so I moved out the next day and started looking around for a full time job.
With hindsight, I think I might be better off today if I didn’t emancipate myself.
There’s no way I would have stuck around with that limitation placed on me, though. Not a fucking chance.
The parents who’ve posted here have made it quite clear that they’re aware that if kids want to do whatever it is they want to do, that they’ll do it. The “try like hell to prevent it” doesn’t suggest that they’re unaware of that. If anything, ithe other posters have merely illustrated how difficult it is, and the extent to which they care about trying to keep their child safe.
People who’ve managed to raise kids to teenhood, and let them live that long are rarely so naive to think that they can force celibacy, short of locks or Juvi hall or something.
But the whole point OF the OP was that parents are somehow evil bastards for even attempting to keep their kids safe regarding sexual activity before they’re emotionally and psychologically ready.
I feel it’s my duty to inform you that the reality of the situation is that no matter how hard you make it for your kid to have sex, if he/she wants to have sex, he/she will have sex. Whether or not you “make it hard as hell”.
I hope to be the kind of parent that raises a kid who, while she may WANT to have sex, badly, chooses not to because she has a good head on her shoulders and a plan for her future.
Hell, I managed to graduate from high school a virgin, and I wasn’t the only one in my class, either. If my kid chooses to have sex, it won’t be because I took the “well hell those damn kids are gonna do what they want anyway so I may as well give 'em my blessing” attitude.
Except in a literal sense, it’s not the parent’s decision to make. One’s body, even that of a teenager, is one’s own. Attempts on the part of the parent to legislate whether it shall and shall not be used are insulting, dehumanizing, and frankly creepy.
My parents, on the other hand, took the rather preferable alternative of setting an example of responsibility, raising me to have my wits about me, allowing me access to information, ensuring with well-timed conversations that I knew what I was doing, and (after a few false starts) as a consequence hereof, turning a blind eye to what I may have been doing out as long as I returned when I said I would and was not obviously stonkered, trusting that I was smart enough not to get myself murdered or infected.
The result? I was a slut from the age of 17 until a year or so after I moved out of the house - but I was always safe according to the guidelines issued by my physician and community organizations. I behaved according to the morality and sexual self-understanding I was in the process of building; I had no repercussions and have no regrets.
I like their system better than presuming to impose a moratorium on the hormones of teenagers.
Abstinence in teenage years != being really responsible.
Abstinence in teenage years != having a plan for the future.
Abstinence in teenage years = having a hell of a lot of willpower.
Teenagers aren’t really supposed to be abstinant. We just aren’t wired that way. Some of those graduating high school that I know are intelligent, have a good grip on their future, and are going to do well. Some are virgins. A good percentage aren’t.
As long as they take the necessary precautions, and exercise a little common sense, I really can’t see anything for a parent to be hugely frightened about. But, then, I’m not a parent, so I really have no ground to stand on there.
Let’s say, Abbie, you have a daughter (I assume that’s what you want, since you referred to a hypothetical child as “she”). She’s 17, has been going out with a decent guy for maybe 14 months now. She confesses to you that she’s recently had sex with him. It was safe, so there were no repercussions. What would your reaction be? Why?
I am 16 and sex, frankly, does not appeal to me at this age. Sure, down the line I may try a thing or two, but I really am not wanting anything sexual at this age.
That being said, my parents have never spoken to me about anything close to sex. I doubt they have ever even used the word in something more than a joke. I can be alone with my girly friend, with the door closed, for 6, 7, 8… hell, many, hours at a time. They never even check on us. It is my choice not to have sex, not theirs.
Being a 17 year old, I can say that most of the pregnancies around here are with girls who aren’t educated about sex/ignore that education (the ‘it can’t happen to me’ sector) but more than that, aren’t talked to by their parents.
It doesn’t take an hour long talk about this stuff. Just a mention of it, saying ‘if you are going to have sex, get protection. Ask me for some money to get some if you need it. My door is always open’ and walking away is fine. I’ve barely said a word to my parents about sex. However, the way I was raised, I understand their expectations for me, and they also extend to drugs and alcohol.
So no, I don’t think expecting your kids to be celibate works. But expecting your kids to be responsible and telling them that is.
of course, I’m just the loser who wants a dry grad, so it isn’t as if this sex stuff applies to me
But not so long ago that I didn’t see pregnancy, drugs, and so forth, around me. (Drugs were a particular issue and something that was frequently around me and very available to me. Not that I ever tried any drugs, but hoo boy, they were there.) Not all kids were swayed by their parents’ warnings or feelings of disappointment, but I was. And I daresay I wasn’t the only one.
(assuming they are doing it alone)