My parents were very open about sex, in addition to which my schools had pretty good sex health education. Now, granted I was basically not a trouble-making type, but I waited until I moved out of home to have sex for the first time.
It wasn’t because my parents forbade me to have sex in their house, it was because I knew it would embarrass my father horribly to have to acknowledge that his little girl was grown up and sexually active. Sure, he’d be cool about it, but that didn’t strike me as a particularly nice way to act toward him. So in spite of wanting it really really really badly, I just chose to hold out.
Could have gone the back of the car/other convenient space route I suppose, but I don’t really get off on the thought of being caught at it, and we lived in a gossipy small town.
So there’s another anecdotal data point for raising kids with information and letting them make their own decisions. Oh, and I’m 28 and have had no pregnancies or STDs since becoming sexually active.
Abstinence in teenage years != being really responsible.
Abstinence in teenage years != having a plan for the future.
Abstinence in teenage years = having a hell of a lot of willpower.
Oh, God forbid we expect teenagers to um, think with something besides their crotch! After all, teenagers today are “different.” Their hormones are somehow stronger than the ones of teens of the past. Yes, teenagers had sex in the “old days” too but not nearly as badly as today. And the ones that were banging at least had the sense to not shout it from the rooftops and wear it as a badge of honor.
You will get out of your kid what you EXPECT from them.
If you EXPECT your kid to be a slut at age 14 and have no self-control or regard for his or her future, that’s what you’re gonna get.
If you EXPECT your kid to think before they act, understand what consequences are and set a good example, you’re probably not going to have a kid who is out screwing.
Abbie, I think you sort of misrepresented my position. Teenagers not having sex isn’t a bad thing. But teenagers having sex isn’t necessarily a bad thing, either, if they at least put some thought into it and exercise caution. Some very intelligent, prepared, and grounded people around my age choose to do it.
You seem to be missing the crucial Venn diagram - it’s hardly a black and white issue.
Every kid who doesn’t have sex isn’t automatically a moral paragon, clearly more intelligent and having a better grasp of reality than his/her peers.
Every kid who has sex isn’t automatically some brainless slut who has no regard for their future, and who isn’t educated about the risks.
every time i say something people think i am being sarcastic, but the truth is i am just fed up with my fellow human beings and their ways.
if you, as a parent, have a brain ( which you don’t ) you would be able to convince your kid of anything that is true.
its not going to be a matter of just saying “it is cuz i said so” but it is going to have to be a dialogue. you can’t teach your kid what you don’t know ( and you know jack shit ) but you can teach them everything that you do know, and let them then make their own decisions.
the problem with parent/child relationships is that parents enforce rules based on ideas which they don’t understand themselves. a parent makes a wild-ass-guess for what is best for their child and then enforces that.
parents need to keep in mind that while they may know more than their kids, they still only know little in the larger scheme of things, but realistically, parents are too dumb to understand that.
if you, as a parent, have a brain ( which you don’t ) you would be able to convince your kid of anything that is true.
and you can’t teach your kid what you don’t know ( and you know jack shit )
Perhaps I am taking this out of line, but can you by chance count your age on one hand (the thing that is attached to the other thing you suck on)?
There is also the psychologica consequences of kids entering into relationships and actions that they aren’t emotionaly and psychologically prepared for.
And YES, we KNOW …SOME teens are just all fine and dandy and manage just fine.
The thing is, that at its BEST the sexual realm and all the things that come along with it, whether emotional, physical, or psychological, is difficult ENOUGH for adults to deal with, and at that stage in life, kids should have most or all of their concentrations, energies, hopes and dreams on their LIVES, how they’re going to grow up to take care of themselves, not on whether or not, or when they’re going to get laid, and why Johnny said he loved you, but then never called again after he got what he wanted, and so on.
If nothing else, like “get an education and get on your own first. etc” works…
How about laying it on the line about the types of talents, or lack thereof rather, that teenage boys possess?
As in, think about how uncomfortable it is to insert a dry tampon, now multiply that times ten and repeat.
Unless teenage boys have changed a HELL of a lot since my time, they aren’t all that educated about a woman’s body and how to make things not only NOT uncomfortable, but actually make things pleasurable for a girl.
As to it being “disgusting and creepy” for some grownups to have a different opinion on sex and teens. Sheesh. It’s one thing to say you disagree with someone else’s opinion, whether it be childrearing, or auto maintenance, but to then state that there is something WRONG with the person who has shared the opposiing viewpoint with you, because you don’t happen to agree with it…That’s messed up.
There’s something wrong with this damn country when it’s okay to show practically everything but the two brillo pads fighting over the hot dog on prime time, but it’s somehow suddenly “disgusting and creepy” to want to have your child wait until they’re best equipped to handle the wonderful world of sexual relationships with others.
Again, many parents are JUST as open and approachable for their kids regarding sex, sexual information and so on, even if they ARE the types that are against their teens having sex.
It’s pretty ignorant to assume that “parent not wanting his/her teen to have sex” = “repressed asexual pervert”.
I’m curious about this. Are there some reliable teen-pregnancy / STD rate statistics in the house for the days of abstinence only vs. condoms etc. sex ed?
Well, I EXPECT my kid to think before she acts, understand consquences, and set a good example. I also EXPECT that she will develop a sex life, gradually working from solo masturbation through intermediate sexual activities with a partner, and eventually to intercourse, engaging in each activity in a safe manner when she feels ready to do so. The two are in no way mutually exclusive.
No. Your comment about “necessary precautions”, I covered by the remainder of my reply. In such parts as "at its best sex and sexual relationships are difficult enough for adults"etc.
You asked what there was for parents to be afraid of. PLENTY, whether or not some teens may practice appropriate caution or not, parents who have their child’s best interests at heart ARE going to be afraid for them.
Particularly, as many of we parents of teens (and parents of former teens), have stated, when we KNOW, having been there, how difficult it is, and the bad things that can happen because of it, then yes, it’s VERY scary.
FTR, and as I stated in the recent thread on this very subject. I guided and taught my daughter that abstinance was the best choice for teens. She, like many of the teens here, thought and chose otherwise. At that point, thanks to my having kept the lines of communication open, I took her to Planned parenthood and got her on BC.
I did NOT believe that it was right or a good choice for her to have sex. I would have preferred to have her wait, for her OWN good (which she, now 25 says she wishes she’d followed), but i DAMN sure would rather have her protected from pregnancy and disease, than close my eyes and ears and say “lalalala”.
I’m not alone. Parents ARE people you know. We didn’t hatch full grown. We do know how it feels and how strong the peer pressure (and boyfriend saying “if you loved me you would” pressure) can be. Not to mention the hormones.
We don’t sit there and say “oh no, evil sex, you canNOT have it, we INSIST upon ruining your fun”. We do it out of love, and the hope that we can guide our kids to avoid the stupid mistakes we ourselves made in the name of “love”, and/or lust.
Next, the term “enforce” is REALLY in error here. As several parents who’ve posted to this thread have ALREADY made quite clear, we are well aware that there is really no way to “enforce” anything (sexual or otherwise) that a teen chooses to do. And what we DO choose to do is not to “enforce” sexual rules, but to guide our teens kids into them, much like any other household rule.
i am a college senior thaknk you. my parents take orders from me.
i always was on good terms with my parents, i never yet lied to them not once and up until about age 18 i used to consider their advice as generally a good one. at that point i underwent some rapid enlightenment and it became obvious that its my parents that should be asking me for advice not the other way around. took me another 2 years or so to make my parents see that too.
my parents that should be asking me for advice not the other way around. took me another 2 years or so to make my parents see that too.
In order to get back to the OP, do you except celibacy from your parents? Are they allowed to have sex if they take proper precautions or is it taboo? When your parents get older will you just accept that sex is the next step in a relationship as they mature?
When I was a teenager, my parents basically said NO SEX and I was sufficiently afraid of them, especially of dad, that I always managed to say ‘no’, even in college, even in situations where every hormone in my body was shrieking at me.
I came to resent very much that it was always me who had to say ‘no’. I came in fact to preferring to avoid sexual situations of any sort, because I knew I was going to have to say ‘no’, and ‘no’ was uncomfortable and unhappy and it tended to upset whoever I was with, or else just challenge him to try to get me to change my mind.
Now I have 4 daughters. The oldest one is six years old. I plan on telling them things about their femaleness that my mother taught me, such as “If you find yourself thinking boys more attractive about 2 weeks into your monthly cycle, this is because you’re ovulating, and that’s your body being smart and saying, “I want to reproduce, now is a good time to reproduce.” It does not mean you’re a freak, but it does mean you shouldn’t go about reproducing.”
I don’t know what to tell them about the whole “girls always end up being the one who has to say ‘no’” thing. (Because, honestly, I suppose a boy might get an STD, but it’s NEVER going to be him getting pregnant, and it’s NEVER going to be him having to have an abortion, or lugging a bellyful of baby around, and living with the silent or not-so-silent condemnation of society - it is the girl who ultimately has to say no). Is this what I say? This ‘sure, sex feels wonderful, but the price is very high’? There doesn’t seem to be any price on it, for boys.
IANAP, nor am I planning to be one, but I figured that if I’d ever have a teenager son I’d order him to get a summer job for 2 weeks or so. Then, at the first period, when he got his paycheck, I’d take it away from him. Explanation: that’s what life would be like for the next 18 years, all because he was too dumb to wear a rubber. He’d have to drop out of his favorite sports and clubs, and possibly out of school altogether and probably condemn himself into a life of flipping burgers forever. Not sure if I’d ever get the point across to a teenage boy’s hormone addled brain, but it’d be worth a try. $12,000 an year on minimum wage for 18 years is definitely no picnic. I’d almost prefer to be the female.
Of course, none of my high school girlfriends I know actually went the length to force alimony out of the men. Either aborted or dropped out of school & raised it by themselves.
How do you manage to get into your classes? Did they make all of the doors really large to accomodate your head? :rolleyes:
Trust me when I say that the only one impressed with your attitude here is you.
As to the OP, parents have the right to guide and make suggestions for their children. No, abstinence is not the only option available to a teenager, but it’s not the worst idea either. Teenagers may have bodies that are sexually mature, but their lack of emotional maturity often supercedes this. And yes, parents can say that certain things are against the rules. You don’t like it? Do what Larry Mudd did.
If my daughter ended up pregnant tomorrow, I’d be a 28 year old grandmother. You’re damn right I have tried to teach her that she’s too young for sex. (For the record, my daughter is going to be 14 in a few days…and she’s my adopted child, so no, I wasn’t having sex at 14).
And for those of you who seem to think that once we former teenagers became adults we forgot what y’all are currently going through? Don’t be so naive, we had the same concerns, the same problems, needs, wants and desires. We speak to you as people who have seen a lot of the possible reprecussions of your actions. Our friends, as well as ourselves, all made stupid mistakes too.
i am a college senior thaknk you. my parents take orders from me.
Then your parents are pitiful and have failed MISERABLY as parents.
Where I’m from “my parents take orders from me” will get you jackslapped on the head. You must have had those newfangled parents that didn’t believe in spanking. No wonder they turned out such a little punk.
