HazelNutCoffee is right about that perverse arrogance that develops - and that’s only with the other kids who are doing well. At least with my family, there’s a tremendous amount of arrogance to anyone who isn’t on the same track. My dad had a name for anyone who wasn’t on that rabid academic track, any kid who got to hang out with friends on a weekday or do something non-productive on a weekend. He called them E&Ss if he was feeling polite, Eat & Shits if he wasn’t, because that’s all he felt they were good for.
Depends on the family. Some families are pretty good about accepting that people can have weaknesses in some areas, and focus on pushing them in the areas they’re good at (“Okay, you’ve never been really good with history, but you can be good at math! Study math harder! Why are you not studying math?”). On the abnormally strict end (or, at least, I hope it’s the abnormally strict end), the simple answer is: they don’t. I was one of these kids (my dad was fond of saying “A is for Adequate”), and both of my parents made it explicitly clear on several occasions that there are no failures in our family, by definition, because they would simply stop acknowledging “failures” as part of the family. It’s not a bluff, and it’s surprising what can count as “failure”; when I was interviewing for Teach for America earlier this year, my dad threw a fit and said that Berkeley was a waste and I should’ve gone to community college if I wanted to teach; my mom said, absolutely seriously, that she could always just forget she had a son.
Oh, yes. As my friend Andy summed it up, “Your parents are robots, Jackboots. Robots who love you very much. They don’t need the things people do, and your desires are strange and alien to them.” Most of the kids I know in this boat have very testy relationships with their parents, depending on how much they liked the things they were pushed in. Bitching about them is one of the really universally common pasttimes.
That’s f’n nuts. That’s what gives (typical American) parents who push a bad name – you never see them pushing for satisfying, meaningful work. No. It’s “Superstardom” they want. Which is absolutely f’n nuts.
Sometimes I wonder if it would help if, in addition to studying the hundred or so Famous People Who Changed The World, we also somehow studied the hundreds of millions of decent, law-abiding, life-embracing, interesting and worthwhile people who make up the vast majority of the human race. Whose existence, in fact, defines humanity.
It’s like expecting every child who picks up a basketball to wind up not only a good ballplayer; not only a high school standout and college-scholarship winner; not only a professional athlete; but a star among NBA players.
We were expected to perform to the best of our abilities (I had “lax” parents who were okay with a B to B+ range for hated subjects) in subjects we disliked or had no natural talent for, for as long as we were required to take them. We were encouraged to drop them and focus on our strengths the minute we didn’t have to go through gen ed requirements anymore. My parents are pretty hardcore but they’re also pretty cunning-they pushed us more over standardised tests, which they know (whether fairly or unfairly) colleges really love.
I know my parents’ love for me is completely independent of the scholastic success but they take a great deal of pride in the fact that my sister and I did very well in school and “chose” (were lovingly harassed into) professional occupations. I could be down on them for thinking success is built on being either a lawyer/doctor or CPA, but I also know that coming to the US was an incredible sacrifice for them-one they made on our behalfs and not because they were coming here for something better. My parents were very wealthy back on the mothership but left it all because they were afraid India’s affirmative action policies (we’re purebred Brahmin) and focus on technical education would stymie opportunities for us. To them, making that sacrifice to have children who would make less than they did thirty years ago would be…disappointing. It’s also a big facet of Indian culture that each generation should do better than the last. My father is an IIT grad, for him having children who didn’t perform well in school despite having a much bigger economic advantage than he ever did would be extremely shameful. Seeing as I was raised in this culture, I also find it shameful to think that I can’t or won’t be able to give my children better opportunities than my parents gave me (and believe me, I have had the benefit of an extremely good education). Also, I’m fond of my parents and the thought that I wouldn’t be able to take care of them in their old age, though it’s likely they will never need financial help, is also very shaming to me.
So I don’t know. Like HazelNut I am ambivalent. I had all the right scores and abilities to become a lawyer and my sister a doctor, but we’re pretty non-committal about it all. We did it for the ends and that’s good enough for the both of us. We both like the money and I like the pride and happiness on my parents’ face that leaving everything they loved behind was worth it because we lived up to the sacrifice. I take happiness in other things than my job anyway.
I’d like to say that I’d be more accepting in my own kids but cultural brainwashing is hard to leave behind. It makes me angry and sick to think my kids would slack and just take advantage of my money.