Parents! What to do about awful presents?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Funny you should say that, autz! We did tell the extended family not to bother with presents this Xmas so that those who are hard up would not feel the pressure to spend money on gifts. Despite this, three out of our sons five aunts and uncles bought gifts, including the ones who can least afford it.

Dorkness - who is going to start a thread on imposing values on children - you or me? I can’t help thinking of the Michael J Fox character in ‘Family Ties’… :eek:

Thanks everyone who has posted so far, for sharing your wisdom and experience.

22

If the kid loves the toy and it’s not dangerous to him, then let him keep it. Just because it’s flimsy plastic in gaudy colors doesn’t matter – in his eyes, it’s the coolest thing in the world, and taking it away would be cruel.

That said, if your kid is not attached to the toy and it’s “inappropriate” for whatever reason, a surrepetitous trip to Toys 'R Us for an exchange always works for me. Who would give a remote-controlled car to a *two-*year-old??? :confused:

23

Actually, **Left Hand of Dorkness ** seems to have turned out pretty well…I think we should strive to emulate his mom when raising our own kids. :wink:

24

Aaron got one this past Christmas. He was about 17 months old. Dad plays with it, naturally. :wink:

That said, my mother-in-law sits us all down at Thanksgiving and asks us what we want. She’s a stickler for specifics; if I tell her that Aaron needs sweatsuits and jeans in size 2T, that’s what he’ll get, because I know that he’ll get a ton of toys on top of what I ask for.

My mother, OTOH, is completely clueless. She’ll get toys that are either too young or too old for him. So I just tell her to contribute what she would have spent on gifts to his college fund. It solves the short-term problem of lousy gifts, and it gives him the long-term gift of an education. It’s a fair trade, IMO.

Robin

25

Martha] – your etiquette instincts are right on. I understand your frustration – there really is no perfectly-effective, etiquette-sanctioned way to staunch the flow of plastic crap. You can’t (as you obviously know) issue official “lists” of authorized toys. Nor can you help the kid unwrap the trinket, smile and say, “Thanks, but no thanks! Please don’t waste your money or our time with this junk!”

What you are doing is about all you can do – thank the giver effusively; then, when they’ve gone, throw away the broken or dangerous stuff or put the not-age-appropriate stuff away for later. You can, as FairyChatMom suggested, issue ‘hints’ throughout the year – “Oh! You should see Bobby with his crayons! He just loves to draw!” Also, if someone asks what he likes, you can respond with some suggestions – although I prefer that such suggestions be general – “Well, he loves to draw, so drawing supplies are always great. And he’s going through a vehicle-phase right now – anything with wheels, he’s just crazy about!” But these suggestions are as far as you can go, within the parameters of politeness.

As for the war-toy thing – It’s fine for you to include that in either the “hints” during the year to family members, or the suggestions to people who ask for them. It’s better to use soft language, though, IMO: “We prefer that Bobby not own any war toys.” vice “We never allow Bobby to play with war toys.” Then, if a war toy is forthcoming, follow the usual rule – effusive thanks, then throw it away, put it away, or exchange it.

I would recommend that you keep an open mind on guns and such. My own father didn’t have many toys when he was growing up, but he loved his toy six-shooter and, once he had grandsons, he particularly wanted to buy them one. I, myself, have no problems with war-toys (my own son started his childhood love-affair with toy soldiers at about your son’s age), but my sister had a policy against them for her kids. She ‘bent the rules’ though, when my dad explained why he wanted to buy a gun set for her boy (the first grandson), because she loves our dad and saw that this was a gift that really gave him pleasure to give. And, Dad was polite himself – he knew her policy and asked permission to give Kyle the gun before he bought it.

26

Gosh, thanks :o . But it’s worth noting that she also strictly limited our sugar intake, and I’ve grown up to be a pastry baker who loves violent computer games.

'Course, I’m also a pacifist semi-vegetarian, so maybe half a loaf’s better than none :).

Daniel

27

Heh. My SIL is the Queen of Awful Presents. She buys cheap, off-brand stuff, or age-inappropriate stuff, or things that have 10,000 parts and need to be assembled before they can play with them… I could go on and on.
I have two kids, a boy and a girl and at Christmas she always tries to give them a couple of joint gifts. A few years ago it was a Slurpee maker. It had one piece that had to be kept in the freezer for 10 hours before making the Slurpees, and about 20 other pieces to put the damn thing together. The directions were incredibly confusing. It was a huge PITA. You had to hand-wash the whole thing, too, after taking it all apart. It also leaked while making them, and never really worked quite right. We used it exactly twice before it “disappeared.”

This past year it was an M&M dispenser, shaped like a Dune Buggy with the M&M characters in it. You pulled on the one guy’s arm and the trunk popped open and M&Ms spilled out - literally. The trunk door would just fall off and a bunch of M&Ms would spill all over. It was big, too, about 12 inches long and 8 inches higgh. I have a small kitchen with not much counter space. There was just nowhere to keep it. I threw it away by the end of January. It was a piece of crap.

When my daughter was about 10 or 11, she was still giving her Barbie stuff; a talking makeup mirror or plastic jewelry - things that said “Age 3 and up” on the package. I couldn’t convince her that meant it was three or four year olds.

As for being cheap - she’s that, too. I said they needed a Checkers game one year, and she bought some cheap-ass Checkers game. The checkers don’t lock together when you “king” your opponent. Even the brand-name versions are only about $7.00. She’s not poor, and she even works at K-Mart! She’s just really frugal. This year my son asked for Battleship, and she bought some off-name game called something like, “Naval Ship Battle Game” The pegs don’t fit in the holes right. The ones in the lower panel lean over, and the ones in the upper panel fall right out. I threw it out (without him knowing) and bought him the regular Milton-Bradley brand Battleship game.

28

As much as we’d like to, we can’t control what other people will gift our children with or what will capture our child’s fancy. I purchased art supplies for all my nieces and nephews ( I have 4 the same age–they were 5 at the time…Christmas 5 years before looked like TLC’s Maternity Ward at my mom’s!!) but my daughter (also aged 5) insisted my nephew would want this cheap plastic police man set we saw at the checkout of the local grocery store. To make her happy, I bought it and wrapped it with the art stuff. He might still be carrying the badge and the handcuffs, he was so crazy about that gift. ( Now the kids are all 17. )
My son wanted a Transformer when he was 3 and my sister came across with one. Unfortunately, it was the first present he opened and he refused to open anything else all Christmas. He kept saying “I don’t want that, I got this” like we were stupid. We tried to coax him to open stuff from grandma and aunties but he refused. I guess you can’t make anyone accept your gifts either!

29

So good to know I’m not alone with this dilemma, and, judging by Bibliocat’s post, what I have been subjected to is pretty minor compared to some others here…

Thanks to all, especially Jess for some thought-provoking advice. I am keen on discussing the issues we raised on how best to transmit our beliefs and values to our kids without imposing them… but that’s one for another thread.

30

Oh, and I should mention that my kids know darn well they have to act gracious and say “Thank you” and that they have to write Thank You notes for all their gifts… even if it’s something stupid or cheesy or odd or whatever.

My SIL is just clueless. She doesn’t have kids of her own, and is rather child-like herself. I think she buys stuff she wants and is living vicariously through my kids… creepy as that sounds.
She was buying those smocked dresses with Peter Pan collars and matching panties for my daughter up till she was 8 or 9; the ones that look really cute on a 2-year-old but not an 8-year-old. I have no idea where she was getting them in her size, but I kept giving them back, saying, “She wouldn’t be caught dead in this; she’s too old to wear something like this.” SIL would act completely insulted and get all huffy.
My son is seven now, and she’s still giving him those matched top & bottom Garanimal-type outfits. He hates them.
What’s really bad is when she gives them clothes, she removes the tags and washes the stuff before she gives it to us - claiming it “helps” me. WTF? Her reasoning is that way I don’t have to wash it before they wear it (newsflash - I never wash new clothes before wearing them). I think she does it so I can’t return it w/o her knowing it.
It’s become sort of a power struggle between us, but I’ve won out. If I know they won’t wear it, I just dump it back on on her and say, “They just won’t wear this stuff. It’s too childish for them. If you’d get gift slips, I could exchange it, but since you’ve cut the tags off and washed it, I can’t exchange it. It’s your problem now.” Luckily, my husband totally supports me in this (it’s his sister).
The good side: My step-mother totally ROCKS when it comes to buying clothes and gifts for everyone. She should be a Personal Shopper. She buys the best clothes for my daughter and my nieces (all in their teens and early 20s). She gets the sizes right and ALWAYS get styles and colors right for each girl.
For everyone else, also, she knows just what to buy. You open your gift and say, “Wow, I love it! I didn’t know I wanted this, but it’s perfect!” And it really is.

31

How about a birthday wish list? Everyone in my family STILL makes those out to this day, and I’m the second-youngest “kid” at age 34! THe practical side is A). Aunt Ruthie might not know what size t-shirt Junior takes now and would need this info and B). By putting lots of non-war toys on the list, you’re gently letting the other folks know what you’d like Junior to have (and they just might pick up on the hint what NOT to get him).

My Two Cents,
Aunt Patty

32

“Thank you very much”

Go home.

RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE!!!

33

In my family we always accepted the gift no matter what it was, sent out Thank you cards and later if needed donate the offending gift to Goodwill or to an opportunity store. We get rid of inappropriate presents, save face, and most importantly maybe help out someone a little less fortunate.

34

Anyone else wanna see this as badly as I do? L

35

I don’t think anyone has yet mentioned a potential problem we experienced regarding trying to express gift preferences.

Mrs D and I are long-time devout nontheists. Tho we aren’t evangelical about our beliefs (or lack thereof) or families (RC and L) and many close friends are aware that we do not believe in any supernatural beings, and are not encouraging such beliefs in our kids. Yet, a couple of our friends and family members persisted in giving our kids bibles, Veggie Tale tapes, and the like. One memorable x-mas (undoubtedly after a couple of Christmas Ales), I spread cheer and goodwill by unwrapping a bible, and immediately tossing it in the trash in front of the giver. I had to be that blatantly rude to get them to stop. But looking back, I’m not sure that the fact that they were persistently rude was an excuse for me to respond in kind.

We also had a prejudice against loud battery-operated toys when our kids were young. Guess what my in-laws gave my kids every x-mas?

Having tried to express our preference to our loved ones that we did not care for religious or noisy battery gifts, a whole grab bag of frustrations was triggered when we received yet another such gift. Were we unclear? Are they stupid? Are they intentionally being rude? Etc.

It is easier to just assume you are not going to get anything of value from them, saying thanks, and then tossing/donating/returning.

We had a similar problem with family gift pools. Each cousin would pick another cousin’s name. So many times we would put a lot of effort into helping our kids pick out something their cousin would really like, usually going pretty close to the $ limit. Too many times our kids got something in return that was only a fraction of the limit, and didn’t seem to reflect any awareness of our kids’ personalities, interests, etc. So, our response was to simply withdraw from the pool.

Regarding the guns - I seem to recall trying to discourage my son from playing with guns. (You will be surprised how hard it is to remember these things - as important as they seem now, by the time your son is a teenager!) By the time he got to school, I think that battle fell by the wayside. Now he is 14, and I am the wheelman for him and his paintball team. And his college preference is West Point. So do what you think is best at this point in your life. And don’t be shocked should your views change.

The majority of parenting is to just keep stumbling along, doing the best you can at that time, and don’t be afraid to change your minds as you gain more experience (generally by screwing up!)

36

Bibliocat, I’m not sure I’d approve of your methods with your SIL; much more appropriate would be to thank her and then give the clothes to Goodwill. Your SIL is, in her own misguided way, trying to make a friendly gesture toward the kids; that’s what you’re thanking her for, not for the gift itself.

But religious gifts are different and weird. Maybe you could give their kids a carton of cigarettes or a Sports Illustrated calendar next year? Or maybe just give them an Introduction to Hare Krishna Consciousness.

Daniel

37

It’s a longer story… she used to leave the tags on, and I was able to return or exchange the clothes. One year, when she didn’t see the kids wearing what she bought, my husband absentmindedly told her that I had returned a bunch of it. (She specifically asked about some dresses she had given my daughter - the smocked type that were way too young for her)
That’s when she started removing the tags and washing the stuff before giving it to us. Sort of a passive/aggressive way of not letting me return things. I have given tons away to Goodwill and the Salvation Army and the donations box at my church - but it’s really not fair to my kids when she always gives them stuff they have to give away, IMO.
The other thing (my in-laws are just kind of odd, frankly), they hate gift certificates and lists at birthday and Christmas. Lists are no different that “asking” for things, which is rude, in their opinion, and gift certificates are like giving someone cash, which is just tacky, in their opinion.
I always suggest Gap and American Eagle gift cards for my daughter, but they never, ever do it. It would make life so much easier.

38

My son was easy… all he’s ever wanted was dinosaur stuff.

He now has three copies of the 3D Dinosaur book in three different sizes! I offered to return the latest one but he wouldn’t go for it…

Kids!

39

Maybe it was just the way I was raised but I would have a hard time saying to someone that his or her gift was not good enough for me (or my child.) I’ve received lots of things that don’t fit with my values, that broke and that I thought were inexpensive trinkets. In the end though, it was the thought that mattered.

One option might be to ask that instead of giving gifts to your child, people make a donation to a specific charity. This could prevent having to weed out unwanted toys and add them to landfills. It might also go a tiny ways in helping to end the child labor involved in making some popular toys.

This is not to say that children should have less presents if the gift money is going to charity. If somebody is well off enough to discard gifts, they probably have enough money to buy their own toys.

40

Dinsdale, there is a strong possibility that we will have to deal with similar situations with some of our god-bothering relatives - I am braced for that one! My Mother in law told me - no less than three times - how wonderful it was that another grandchild the same age as my son could already recite some prayer.

Never to be queen and Krisfer the cat - in our case the in-laws don’t seem to pick up on hints, and I can’t make direct requests because I don’t want anyone to feel obliged to buy anything. What I plan to do, based on advice from posters above, is to make my hints a little less subtle.

We do have got enough money to buy good quality toys, and feel that our son has got a fair amount already. The offending fighter plane that inspired this thread, being of the cheap and nasty variety, is already falling to pieces. My son calls it a ‘space plane’ and is enjoying playing with it. Its days are numbered, but if it looks like he is really going to miss it I plan to buy him a space rocket toy from Playmobil or some other durable brand.