When you brought your new baby home from the hospital they were all cute and cuddly and life just felt like everything was perfect…that is, until you discovered that she only slept for about 2 hours at a time or that your infant son had the ability to pee in his own mouth if you didn’t diaper him quick enough. Every parenting book I’ve read mentions some of the most obvious issues new parents will run into (though that 'peeing in his own mouth" thing I remember from when my brother was a baby) and it is nice to know in advance some of the things to expect, but the books seem to be a little lacking. They all seem to say things like, “Your child won’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time for the first few months” or “baby needs to have their nails trimmed so that they don’t scratch their eyes” and leave it at that.
:dubious:
I may not have given birth yet but I know there is more crazy, surprising stuff that babies do. So far I’ve seen no mention of projectile poop or vomit but I’ve been warned about both of those things from at least 3 different people. I also remember the episode of Sex and the City where Miranda’s baby lost his belly button scab-thingy and she freaked out about that because she wasn’t expecting it to happen. Obviously babies are full of surprises! So what did your child do that made you go, “What the hell?” and wonder why no one warned you about it?
Yeah, that…only for me it’s not Iraq, it’s Afghanistan and my sweet little six pound baby boy is doing that next month. Okay, granted he’s not six pounds anymore, but he’s still my baby - and that is something that I don’t think you can ever be prepared for. That someday, and it happens way quicker than you would expect, your little baby will grow up and go off to war.
I know - this is totally not what’s being asked here - but this is totally not something that you are ever warned about.
Baby boys will grab on to their penises and yank them and stretch them like they are silly putty, and you will be thinking “OMG that is not normal,” but they think it’s hilarious and awesome.
I was going to say “they get over it eventually” but you know, they kind of don’t.
Hey, may as well start with something really contentious…
I wanted to breastfeed, I planned to breastfeed, I knew it might take some work but I was totally prepared to put some effort in. However, what I wasn’t at all, in any way, prepared for the fact that my daughter, from the moment of her birth, refused to co-operate. I hadn’t even heard of such a thing. She would scream if I even attempted to hold her against me in a feeding-type position. Nobody had warned me that was even a possibility - I had a vague notion that babies would naturally want to feed, and that sometimes it was hard for them to learn how to do it - but the idea that she wouldn’t want to? Bizarre, and tbh a fairly good predictor of my daughter’s strong will .
That they would have no concept of drowning and would just walk right into a pool. I mean yeah I knew you had to watch them but I figured it was more ‘keep them from falling in.’ I had no idea they’d just march right over the side.
This! On of his words is actually ‘penis’. I think I’m a little proud of that? Was giving him a bath at my parents’ house and he was happily tugging away when my mom came into see. I think she was shocked that I was just sitting there letting him…she’s a little more old fashioned.
Also makes me wonder how much penis-tugging I was prevened from doing :dubious:
Well, for when babies are still babies…I had no idea how quickly a really bad diaper rash can pop up. Like, freaky bad, “it looks like someone burned my child” type of rash. Sometimes a diaper rash is really a yeast infection, so there are things you need to avoid putting on it as they just feed the rash even more. One of the best things I found was a product called http://http://www.amazon.com/Boudreauxs-Butt-Paste-oz-Jar/dp/tech-data/B0009RF8G0.
You, the parent, will get blamed by the kid for EVERYTHING.
My then 6 month old teething kid stuck his foot in his mouth, bit it, then looked at me with an expression of “What the f*ck did you do that for?” He then quit crying 10 minutes later.
I was changing my niece when she was a baby, and I had the new diaper all laid out…and she pooped. So I threw it away and put down a new one…and she pooper. So I decided to wait and see, and sure enough, she pooped again, and again. All the while looking at me with those HUGE brown eyes, like “Auntie, I’ll show you!”
So. Don’t trust they are done even when you think they are done.
That the first month would be so awful. I seriously had no idea. I mean, I knew that low sleep was part of the deal, but the pain and the recovery and not having any time to call my own and the hormones and… ugh.
That it was okay if I didn’t bond with my newborn child immediately.
That figuring out how to breastfeed would be so awful. (Well, okay, people did try to tell me this, but I had no frame of reference for it.)
And then… people DID try to tell me how completely awesome it was to have a kid and see her develop day by day, but I didn’t really get it. It really is totally amazing.
Sucking blisters. I don’t remember any book or anyone mentioning this, and when the little blister showed up on my son’s upper lip I was horrified. “He’s only a few days old and I’ve already given him my cold sore!” No, I hadn’t. It was a perfectly natural result of suckling and developed into a bitty callous. After he stopped nursing all the time, it went away.
Wow, that kind of sucks. I mean, it is cool at the same time that you know you raised someone who wants to defend their country and all, but it still sucks.
Heh. Good to know! I’m not at all surprised by this but I’m sure if I had just stumbled upon my kid going to town I would have been a little shocked.
This is hilarious in a way that only babies can be hilarious! I’m glad to know ahead of time to be prepared to be blamed for everything.
Excellent. So when in doubt, just leave undiapered on one of the dog’s clean pee mats until they are finished.
When they’re past the newborn stage but way far from toddler, their heads are too heavy for their neck muscles to support for long. They’ll lift their heads from your shoulder, look around, then WHAM the head thunks straight where gravity takes it. If that’s your cheek, ow. If that’s your nose … I was half on edge waiting for one of my kids to break my nose at some point until they were safely out of that age.
That no matter how efficiently you think you manage your time now, you will not believe how much time you used to waste doing frivolous things…
If you have a boy, keep a clean diaper/spare disposable on the change table at all times. When the old diaper is off, gently place this spare diaper on his penis while you do whatever it is you have to do, and keep it there. It just makes things easier.
You can never have too many clean towels on hand. There will likely come a time, probably at about 3 AM, when every towel in the house is covered with poo, pee and vomit.
You do not know when, and you do not know what it will be, but you will catch yourself doing or saying something that one of your parents used to do or say that bugged you.
You will learn to judge for yourself when it is better to say ‘Fuck it; I’m tired, and I need to nap with this beautiful child more than I need to chip away at the laundry.’ Take this wisdom as a blessing, even if the laundry pile continues to grow…
Here’s another one. Every baby I have ever seen comes with their personality stamped right on them. You can change some things, but they start right out being independent, or fussy, or noisy, or whatever. It’s kind of amazing, especially when they manifest their traits and you begin to realize there is another person here, not just an extension of you and Daddy.
And no, it will not get any easier. I don’t think my wife exhaled for the whole year our son was over.
He’s back now, but off doing his two week drill for the summer. So now I get the next unexpected experience - baby-sitting the new grand-dog. A five month German Shepherd, named 1337 (pronounced “Leet”). Very cute, very sweet, very well behaved. But he has decided in his little doggy brain that I am as close to my son as is available, so he follows me around 24/7. I work from home, so he curls up on the sofa in my office and keeps an eye on me.
My own little stalker. Nobody told me about that when we signed the adoption papers for my children.
.