Forget Batman. Let’s watch the Partridge Family and the Brady Bunch square off in a good old fashion street fight. One rule – no weapons. Physical ability, cunning and guile only.
Let’s handicap the action:
Brady advantages – more bodies, even if Alice doesn’t participate; two full-grown adults
Partridge advantage – Danny Partridge is the single sneakiest, nastiest person on either show. Keith and Laurie match up very well against Greg and Marcia (everyone knows one shot to the nose and Marcia is out for the entire episode)
The numbers aren’t that far off…7 to 6. (I’m counting both Chris’s!)
Chris #1 & #2 gang up on Bobby and kick his butt. Laurie sucker-punches Marcia out of the fight, then jumps Jan. Tracy rips Cindy’s little hair out. Danny vs Peter is a joke, as mentioned above, and Keith could stomp Greg without breaking a sweat. That leaves the supposedly lopsided adult battle, which wouldn’t be so lopsided. Shirley and Carol start ripping each others clothes off, while Mike sits on the sidelines enjoying the show.
I think Cindy would take out Tracy no problem. Cindy is pretty nasty, probably the nastiest Brady. But then Danny, fresh from kicking Peter in the nuts would grab her by the pig tails and swing her like a club, probably in Bobby or maybe a tree.
In a way this is like the match up between Kirk and Picard. The Brady’s would try and talk peace, The Partirdge’s would feign talking peace while Danny did something sneaky. I also think Danny would break the no weapons rule. What about Mr. Kincade? Doesn’t he get to fight?
Hmm, Mr. Kincade “The Manager” vs Sam “The Butcher”? No contest there. And Cindy will surely kick Tracey’s ass. Beefy Marsha will whoop skin and bones Laurie in a heartbeat. Football playing Greg will stomp basketball playing Keith. Carol vs Shirley? Carol’s got all that caffeine on her side.
But Danny is the ace in the hole. He’s been in the Army, remember. And “fair play” is not in his vocabulary. He doesn’t even need to fight. He’ll just financially ruin the Bradys. Game over.
Daddy Renfrew vs Carl’s Grandma? That’s a mud wrestling contest just waiting to happen.
Forget Sam the butcher. Rueben is matched up against Alice. Alice serves Rueben’s testicles up to him on a platter and forces-feeds him.
Shirley (being a hardline republican) lunges at Mike viciously when she learns that he’d been secretly ogling nude pictures of Keith in “Rolling Stone” magazine. She takes out all her pent-up homophobic rage on him.
Keith Partridge is a wuss, and refused to rumble with the bully who was pushing him around at school. (“I think you’ve suffered enough in your life.” Big Awwwwwww!) He’d attempt to stay on the sidelines, only to get clobbered in the nose with a football thrown by Peter.
Tracy becomes frightened, and follows her own advice - covering her eyes until she’s got the confidence to perform. Cindy then easily clobbers Tracy with her Kitty carry-all. Although Bobby is at first overpowered by the two Chrises, Tiger (suffering an advanced case of Cujo-strain rabies) leaps out of nowhere to rend both Chrises into Bac-O sized bits.
No matter how sneaky & clever Danny may be, he’s got nothing on Jan’s psychotic anger. In the heat of battle, Jan’d go postal and rip the entire Partridge clan to shreds, and then still frenzied and caked in the blood of those lipsyncers she’d turn her fury on Marsha!
At which time Laurie, in her incarnation as Grace Van Owen from *L.A. Law *, shows up with a restraining order, sues the Brady’s down to their socks, and lives happily ever after!
Peter has been in a scrap before. Didn’t he get into a fight to protect Cindy from the bully mocking her lisp? Hey if they can survive both the tikii and Vincent Price then they can handle second raters like the partridges.
Besides Jan’s Psycho powers know no friend. She may end up sole survivor. Just sitting amongst the bloody corpses in her new wig asking everyone to look at the “new Jan Brady”
