Passion, or compatibility?

Great Debates
1

(wasn’t sure whether to make this a GD or an IMHO; to me, it’s definitely a GD, so here we go.)

A good friend and I have a periodic debate on whether it’s more important to be passionately in love with someone, or to be compatible with him/her, for a solid and lasting long-term relationship.

(My take: if you don’t have both, why are you even considering a commitment? His take: well, Lord only knows, but let’s just say there’s a reason he’s still single.) Generally he’ll spring the discussion on me every month or two, generally while he’s obsessing over some completely unavailable woman. (And pleeeease don’t suggest the two of us hook up, because it ain’t gonna happen. He was my senior prom date, and has been one of my best friends for the mast 18 years, but if I had to live with him, I’d kill him within a week.)

Anyway, the dicussion is taking on more urgency, as one of our mutual friends is debating whether to move in with his girlfriend of 2+ years. The friend, and his girlfriend, are both extremely nice and intelligent people, and have built up a certain comfort level in their relationship, but well, it just doesn’t seem like he’s too excited about her as the love of his life. He’s 35, and is feeling his biological clock ticking, and is starting to feel more and more like he should just settle down.

My friend and I both feel on a certain level like the mutual friend would be making a mistake with long-term consequences for both of them; if it takes you more than 2 years to tell your girlfriend that you love her, and really don’t mean it in the way she thinks you do when you finally do tell her, that should be telling you something, right? We all went out tonight (minus the girlfriend) and were trying to help him sort out his thoughts and feelings, but let’s just say my former prom date and I were finding it difficult to hide our lack of objectivity. By the time we parted ways, we were both reduced to telling him, “We just want to see you happy.” (Which is true, of course, but definitely not the whole story.)

The two of them could probably have a reasonably content life together, but if it were you, would you feel like you would always be wondering what you were missing? The most emphatic description he can manage to muster about his relationship with his girlfriend is that he can be himself around her, and that they are comfortable together. People have certainly gotten married or stayed in relationships for worse reasons, but I just feel like he is on the point of giving up on finding someone he is passionate about, and to me that is very sad.

Is this enough to build a life together? Please share your experiences, either first- or secondhand.

2

As the years go by, yes, you would always wonder. You would constantly look, albeit unconciously, for “THE ONE”. No matter how content you are in the relationship, you are constantly bombarded with the notion of romantic love. It’s on TV, movies, books, casual conversations.

And then there is you. You feel that maybe you are missing something, but at the same time, is it really worth the effort?

And, what happens if you give up that contentment and do go out searching, but never find that one?

Most of the time, you would be perfectly fine. But every once in a great while your blood positively screams for passion, and not with the one you are content to sit by the fire with, reading the daily news.

These are the ones who volunteer for everything, is on every committee, and has a million things going on. Or maybe it’s the person who has a passionate commitment to their music, particular charities, work.

Why?

Distraction. Longing. A deep, deep sense that maybe he/she is missing something.

Does clinical depression have anything to do with it? Maybe. A depressed person might say “I am not good enough to have passion and a great love, so I have to be content, instead. I should be grateful for what I have.”

A relationship can be built on companionship alone. It’s been done for thousands of years. Will that person be happy? Possibly. One has to guard against bitterness and resentment at times, and be totally committed to the marriage but I suppose that’s true of any.

In summation, it can be done and it can bring satisfaction.

But,

22 years ago I had “The One”. I still dream of him while I sit by the fire at night, reading the daily news.

3

I think that a lot of times we have misconceptions about what marriage really is like. I actually do blame Hollywood, romance novels and women’s magazines, in part, for this problem. Marriage has been over-glamorized in the media. For most people, it is not a lifetime of wild, passionate sex and constant bliss. I think that sometimes, we expect too much, and set ourselves up to be unhappy.

I’ve heard women say things like, “I want a man who’s exciting and spontaneous but I also want him to be dependable and responsible. I want him to be a ‘bad boy’ but also a good husband. I want him to be boyish and fun, but mature.” Some of those qualities are contradictory. Some women seem to build up a picture of what “should” be based on what they’ve seen in the movies, and spend their lives unhappily searching for someone who doesn’t really exist. Of course, there’s a happy medium, but that’s not always exciting.

Passion cools. Friendship lasts. For me, the latter is more important. Too many people marry because they’re wildly in love, but don’t really * like * the person they’re with. They marry, settle into a routine of jobs, kids and the minutae that is daily life, and start longing for the excitement that accompanies a relationship when it’s still new. Because that excitement has ebbed, they think that something is missing. Sometimes, they find a new person who gives them that excitement again, and may leave their marriage for it. What they don’t realize is that that relationship may be destined to mellow, leaving them once again yearning.

That said, I think you may be worrying too much about your friend, and could jeapordize your relationship with her if she feels that you’re meddling by questioning her relationship so closely.

It sounds like nothing is wrong with this man, only that you feel he is not displaying proper excitement. Is it possible that he’s a private man when it comes to his emotions, and doesn’t like to display them publicly? (Still waters run deep, you know.) Some people do not use words like “love” casually. They want to make sure they truly mean it before they say it.

And even if they have just decided to spend their lives in contented companionship, what of it? Your friend could be very happy with this man. Life does not have to be all fireworks to be deeply satisfying. Perhaps their relationship will not have soaring heights, but neither might it have plunging lows.

4

I agree with Lissa. A lot.

I get the impression that a lot of relationships are built on the rush, the new relationship energy, the high, and when the high goes, the relationship falls apart with it. I wonder how much to blame the culture of the worship of romance for this mistaking of that early “Wow, this person’s shiny!” period for love, sometimes.

I’m not especially interested in passion. I’m interested in devotion. (Passion is much, much too close to excitement and surprises for me. I don’t like excitement and surprises at all.)

5

A fantastically minor nitpick, which turns right into general agreement:

Eros (passion) has a flow–peaks and troughs in exciting waves. I think philos (compatibility) does as well, but the magnitude of those waves is less intense, and the cycles tend to stretch out quite a bit longer. Both will tend to die out over time without some active hands in the water, to strain the metaphor to breaking point.

I’m pretty far from Dr. Relationship, but I think a major problem people run into–moreso than the myth of The One and whatnot–is seeing love as a thing, something that, once it’s together, is simply there. Put it on the mantle, dust it occasionally. Ain’t so–it’s a process–to return to that strained metaphor, the lasting ones are standing or reliably repeating wave patterns between two shores.

Right, that’s about where I hear it break, so I’ll sneak away and hope someone splints it.

6

[hijack]

My friend is the male half of the couple, not the female half; I’ve also known him for nearly half my life, or I would never presume to give him advice on an issue like this. He specifically asked us for our opinions, and we weren’t exactly jumping on him. In fact, we all went home because it was getting late, but he also specifically asked us to continue providing our opinions whenever they popped to mind. And he’s not a particularly private person about his feelings, or we never would have been having the discussion to begin with.

(Oh, and the “love” thing was something he brought up himself as a concern. He’s not fond of the idea of marrying someone he doesn’t love; the rest of us just feel more and more with each passing month that he’s trying to convince himself that he loves her in a way that he doesn’t.)

7

I do believe that is one of the saddest things I have ever heard.

I too had “The One”. I dream of her almost every night. She left me abruptly, left me to muse on the old familiar faces.

8

I’m a believer that love grows out of friendship. My husband and I actually met online, so there was no chance that we were building a relationship on physical attraction. I guess, to me, passion implies an intense physical longing–and I don’t think relationships can be built on that foundation (solely that foundation).

Of course, I don’t tend to be a “what if” sort of person. I could have seen myself developing relationships with all sorts of different men, but my husband is the one whose companionship made me most comfortable. I loved him when I married him, but not as intensely as I love him now, for all the little things I didn’t even know about when we got married.

Julie