Passion or Security--Which Means More?

In My Humble Opinion
1

PASSION
A single touch that lights a flare down my spine and unhinges my knees. The look in his eyes that makes me forget everything except that moment, and him, and us. Wanting to be with him always, even when I’m so angry with him I can’t speak. Missing him terribly when he goes, suspecting him, questioning him, questioning myself. Never knowing what’ll come next–intense emotion, playful frivolity, biting humor, willful selfishness, hidden vulnerabilities–from beneath a physicality that rings every bell in my box. Feeling special for holding someone so untamed–if only loosely. Knowing he loves me just by the way he watches me walk out of the room. His eyes swallow me up. Knowing sometimes that I’m lost, beaten–admitting my happiness is dependant on his whim. Savoring that happiness even more deeply because it is so ephemeral. Wanting every kiss to last just a moment longer. Catching his eye across a room and knowing what he’s thinking–and seeing in his smile that he knows the same about me. Sex so raw and bare that it leaves you gasping and paralyzed but always aching for more. Feeling needed, desparately, and feeding off of it. Playing the savior reluctantly, and resenting it. Intensity, passion, desire–comingled with anxiety, frustration, despair. Believing if I hold out long enough, be strong enough, it’d be worth it in the end.

SECURITY
Knowing he’ll always do what I ask, if it’s at all within his power. Seeing in his actions that he appreciates me. Never worrying about where he’s going when he leaves the house or waiting through the night for him to return. Never being surprised by him at all. Gentle touches and kisses that are pleasant enough, but lack fire. Coming home to a clean house. Never having to decide if he’s lying, or using, or hiding behind his charm. Loving him softly–not shallow water, but calm. Knowing he wants the best for me and my son. Appreciating his devotion, and feeling connected in our purposes. Predictability–in everything. Financially secure–or potentially so. Feeling safe in his arms–from my past, from my fears, from myself. Knowing he’d never leave me, and maybe taking some things for granted because of that. No fights or hateful invective, no storming out angry and driving for hours while you try to get his taste off your lips. Knowing he’d never make me weep in desparation–or scream with joy. Quiet contentment. An appreciation for all that our relationship is because it’s everything I’ve lacked in the past. Worrying a bit that that same appreciationg is lulling me, sedating me. Security. Hope for a nice future, with a solid history to feed it. A peaceful and mellow life, but sometimes a bit dull.

Now–I’m 99% sure where I’m going with my choice. But others have expressed doubts (Mom–I’m looking in your direction). I know what my head says, and I know what my Pride says. What do you say? Which means more? Should you sacrifice passion for security? Will security breed passion in time? Is a gentle love as satisfying and fufilling in the long run as a great passion? Can you turn away from a lifetime of one and embrace the other? Can you maintain that embrace without regret? I’ve offered above how passion and security have differed in my experience. Has anyone found differently? I’d really appreciate any opinions or theories on this you can offer.

bella–curiously

2

Dammit, this is the exact same conversation I have with my best friend (a guy), about once a month for the past ten years. I’ve been there; it’s so rare to find a relationship that has 100% of both, and though I keep telling my friend (he’s usually the one thinking out loud, not me, on this subject) that you gotta have both if you want the relationship to go the distance, neither one of us is exactly a model of good examples in terms of knowing what’s best for ourselves. Maybe that’s why we’re both currently single; we want it all.

So are you saying that you’re trying to choose between 2 potential partners, and you have passion but not security with one, and security but not passion with the other? Or that you’re talking about one person who has some passionate attributes and some secure ones, and you’re trying to decide what you must have and what you can’t survive without? (And yeah, about Mom; been there, done that. Mine has a great piece of advice, which she frequently shares with others but never follows: nobody can judge a romantic relationship except the people directly involved.) Are you trying to figure out what your dealbreakers are?

There are a couple of things that did concern me about each half, though:

Passion: “Knowing sometimes that I’m lost, beaten–admitting my happiness is dependant on his whim…Playing the savior reluctantly, and resenting it…Intensity, passion, desire–comingled with anxiety, frustration, despair…Believing if I hold out long enough, be strong enough, it’d be worth it in the end.”

Been there, done that…and all too recently. It still hurts. (Wanna know the details? Do a search on my username and Prozac, and you’ll see the whole ugly story.) Maybe I’m projecting, but it sounds like you’re not at all confident that he won’t hurt you, intentionally or not, but badly nonetheless. It should be worth it in the present, not in some distant, hypothetical future.

Security: “Never being surprised by him at all [is that good, or bad? Pesonally, I like a surprise here and there.]…Gentle touches and kisses that are pleasant enough, but lack fire [this is a drop-dead issue for me, personally; no chemistry, won’t make it in the long haul. But it’s your call, of course.]…Predictability–in everything. [Again, is this good or bad or both?]… Knowing he’d never make me weep in desparation–or scream with joy.[Can you live without joy in something this important and basic? Should you have to?]…A peaceful and mellow life, but sometimes a bit dull. [Dull can be calming, but most of us need stimulation from our intimate relationships.]

Let us know what your thoughts are, OK? I could use some fresh fodder for the discussion with my buddy, since I’m awfully sick of repeating myself.

And keep in mind, maybe neither one of these guys is entirely right for you, and maybe someone you don’t yet know is your soul mate…

3

Dammit, this is the exact same conversation I have with my best friend (a guy), about once a month for the past ten years. I’ve been there; it’s so rare to find a relationship that has 100% of both, and though I keep telling my friend (he’s usually the one thinking out loud, not me, on this subject) that you gotta have both if you want the relationship to go the distance, neither one of us is exactly a model of good examples in terms of knowing what’s best for ourselves. Maybe that’s why we’re both currently single; we want it all.

So are you saying that you’re trying to choose between 2 potential partners, and you have passion but not security with one, and security but not passion with the other? Or that you’re talking about one person who has some passionate attributes and some secure ones, and you’re trying to decide what you must have and what you can’t survive without? (And yeah, about Mom; been there, done that. Mine has a great piece of advice, which she frequently shares with others but never follows: nobody can judge a romantic relationship except the people directly involved.) Are you trying to figure out what your dealbreakers are?

There are a couple of things that did concern me about each half, though:

Passion: “Knowing sometimes that I’m lost, beaten–admitting my happiness is dependant on his whim…Playing the savior reluctantly, and resenting it…Intensity, passion, desire–comingled with anxiety, frustration, despair…Believing if I hold out long enough, be strong enough, it’d be worth it in the end.”

Been there, done that…and all too recently. It still hurts. (Wanna know the details? Do a search on my username and Prozac, and you’ll see the whole ugly story.) Maybe I’m projecting, but it sounds like you’re not at all confident that he won’t hurt you, intentionally or not, but badly nonetheless. It should be worth it in the present, not in some distant, hypothetical future.

Security: “Never being surprised by him at all [is that good, or bad? Pesonally, I like a surprise here and there.]…Gentle touches and kisses that are pleasant enough, but lack fire [this is a drop-dead issue for me, personally; no chemistry, won’t make it in the long haul. But it’s your call, of course.]…Predictability–in everything. [Again, is this good or bad or both?]… Knowing he’d never make me weep in desparation–or scream with joy.[Can you live without joy in something this important and basic? Should you have to?]…A peaceful and mellow life, but sometimes a bit dull. [Dull can be calming, but most of us need stimulation from our intimate relationships.]

Let us know what your thoughts are, OK? I could use some fresh fodder for the discussion with my buddy, since I’m awfully sick of repeating myself.

And keep in mind, maybe neither one of these guys is entirely right for you, and maybe someone you don’t yet know is your soul mate…

4

Eva LunaWell, it’s a choice I’ve already made actually. I went for security because–like you pointed out–I have absolutely no confidence that the passion won’t hurt me badly.

As to the no fire thing–it’s not a lack of chemistry, just maybe a less extreme reaction. Sparklers instead of m-80’s, you know? The predictability is good–and bad. I like surprises sometimes too, but we have talked about it a few times, so that’s not a deal-breaker for me. I just wonder what happens to a partnership like this over time? I’ve heard that over the years, passion can bloom. I’ve also heard that as I age, security will most likely become more and more important to me–a shift I’ve already noticed. Will contentment turn to boredom? It’s a hard call.

BUT–outside of any specific partner, I was wondering if it was worth giving up the intensity of passion for the lull of security. Can you get the thrill with the safety? Not in my experience, and I was wondering if others felt likewise. It seems that, with passion, you get the pain and frustration to kind of balance out the intensity of the good emotions. With security–you sacrifice that intensity to avoid the pain. For me, they’re mutually exclusive.

Do you think you can get both? What about security do you find passionate?

bella

5

Are we talking love life or career? “Passion” vs. “Security” is a career choice a lot of us have to make, too . . .

6

Within any context I think it’s a common dilemma. Which way to go–balancing the pros and cons. I know you’re an author Eve–would you consider that your passion? Would you be as satisfied or as proud of your work if it had all been easy?

7

I have been doing a balancing act:

Passion—I write odd little books that never make much money, but I love doing it and fee that, in my teeny weeny way, I am doing something important.

Security—I have a deadly dull nine-to-five magazine editing job that sucks out all my vitality, but pays the rent. Though after the day I’ve had, I might not have this job much longer . . .

8

I have to say that your Passion paragraph yanks me back in to a time (in high school) I’d be scared to go to right now. The down side of the passions (uncertainty, jealousy, changing moods to match or fix his) drove me nuts. On the other hand that’s not to say I chose Security either. I think in the beginning my SO was reddish orange, (with red being passion and yellow being security) we had bumps along the way (which I’ve discussed with you in email). It fluctuates, right now I’d say we’re somewhere around a warm yellow. We giggle and crack each other up, still have a handful of passion left, but live paycheck to paycheck. Yeah, if you want to call it boring OK, go ahead and do that. But every once in a while, something happens around us (Jerry Springer type activity, car accidents, DWI, jailtime, drugs, things ‘disappearing’, etc.) where we say “Thank God we’re so boring”. Don’t worry so much about spicing up your Secure life. It’s a hell of a lot easier to mess up the hair of a stuffed shirt, than it is to clean up someone who doesn’t want to be clean.

9

Security, security, security for Cranky.

But then it’s been something I’ve always craved. I do like the excitement of passion, but it’s a novelty. A roller coaster is fun every once in awhile, but I wouldn’t go to the amusement park every day. Some of most passionate relationships were amazing, but also tiring. I look back and I don’t want that anymore. I mean, the melodramatic fights and breakups and makeups are one thing when you’re young and wild, but will that be fun when I am 50? Do I want to raise children in that kind of environment?

Of course, in marriage, it’s not like you can go cruising for an occasional knees-melting romance (unless you’'ve got an open marriage). That’s okay by me.

Now, I’ve only been married five years. So I can’t tell you what the long-term effects are. But for me, that security has made a lot of difference.

10

I’ll agree with miamouse. Also, it might be an interesting exercise to try not to think about this as such a black and white issue. Something I’m trying to teach myself is that stability does not preclude excitement, and excitement is not synonomous with happiness.

11

Bella…

I am recently divorced, from a secure man that I love deeply. We were married 5 years, no children. I love him still…but…

The passion I crave wasn’t there. Love isn’t always enough and fireworks aren’t enough either. We never bloomed and I had to see if there was more out there. Who knows what the future holds? We may end up together, but I don’t count on it. I always felt as if something was missing or not clicking for us, because we didn’t just melt into each other passionately. Maybe I’ll never be satisfied, because I do expect alot. I want it all, we all do. I have come to the realization, that you have decide what you can live without. I can’t live without fireworks, for my entire life. Maybe my ex-husband can grow, maybe not. He hasn’t in the past 5 years. I can’t live paycheck to paycheck worrying either. So I want a gentle mix of both, just enough of each to keep my happy. I don’t think you should look at it as what you want in a relationship. From my experience, and this is only my opinion, you have to decide what you can live without. Sacrifice…what you can stand to be without, because we will never have it all.

12

Bella, the security you have might develop passion as well. One thing you have to do for this to happen is to stop thinking of him as “the man I have instead of having passion” or any words to that effect.

I did something similar a few years back - not a choice between partners, but a deliberate choice to leave those roller-coaster relationships behind. I have to admit that I missed the adrenaline rush at first, but then I started to realize that the fear, suspicion and anger had been horrible. I guess the lows were never worth the highs. So I empathize. It’s a tough addiction to kick.

13

For me, there isn’t eve na choice: I can’t be passionate if I don’t have security: I fret and worry too much, and then I have no fun. Security gets me hot.

14

::jealous sigh::

It’s so interesting to see everyone’s takes on this. Comparing Cranky’s welcomed contentment to Lyra’s tentative steps toward fireworks, I’m reminded–once again–what a great cross-section of posters we have around here.
miamouse–I actually thought of you while I was writing this, because I knew you’d understand exactly where I’m coming from and you seem to have struck a balance that works.
I think seawitch is right that it’s the adrenaline rush I’m missing, and not the actual mess of a relationship that caused it. It’s not an all-consuming craving, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t there at all. And being the overly-analytical type, I worry sometimes about what that says about my long-term satisfaction in this relationship. It means nothing, if you ask my head. My heart’s sometimes not so sure… :slight_smile:
Eonwe–that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to come to terms with–it’s just a lot harder to overcome that attatchment to excitement than I ever expected. I believe–at this point in my life–that I can sacrifice the passion for the security. I believe that, in time, that passion may bloom and it’d be like icing on the cake. But I worry that–at some point in the future–I’d grow, like Lyra, to feel differently and end up hurting a very good man who’s treated me like a queen from day one. I guess what I want is a guarantee. Doesn’t anything come with a warranty these days?!
(where’s the :ambiguous: smiley when you need him?)

bella

15

Gee, wish I could choose between them. I will end up with security, probably not passion so much. Why? Because I’m boring and that’s all I can attract I guess.

16

This bugs me: there is this persistient idea that security is somehow the “default” arrangement, that it’s somehow “easier”, which is bullshit. Any 13 year old can have a dramatic, temptestous relationship: they don’t even need the other person in the relaitonship to know sbout it. A mature, adult relationship where you fully embrace that the other person is not you, or an extension of you, and where you respect their imput and emotions and have your own imput and emotions respected in turn is a hell of a lot harder to achieve and is not, in any way, shape, or form, settleing. If I were widowed today and lived to be 120 I would never get over my awe that I was granted such a thing for ever a few years of my life. If I think to much about it, I go into a terrrified haze, sure that there has to be a price to pay for the incredible gift of my secure, solid relationship. I am not settleing.

I blame the media for permanently confusing us all about the differnece between the quality of an emotion and the quanity of an emotion. It’s easy to feel lots, but the media has tricked us all into believing that strong emotions are something that only a special, better than mere-mortals class of people feel–I call them “The Artists”. There is this persistient belief that some people have some special “spark” and that the rest of us need to aspire (and buy products in order) to be like them. This is why we are more interested in the singer than the song, in the actor than in the movie, in the painter than in the painting. The media has totally convinced the whole fucking nation that we aren’t getting the “good stuff” emotionally, and that if we just buy the right combination of products, someday we will get the ultimite rush.

I’d best stop now, before I post my first ever real balls out rant, and utterly hijack this thread. There’s nothing wrong with prefering the dramatic path, but it dosesn’t mean the more placid of us are less fufilled, less stiated, or less happy. THe whole “course of true love never did run smooth” thing was a joke!

17

Create your own security. Become sure of yourself. Go head to head with the passion-inducing guy. Find out whether or not he has moments of serious vulnerability. Find out whether or not he is able to talk about them. Does he need security as much as you do? Does he trust you not to try to change him, not to break his heart? Does he understand your vulnerability and need for security? Does he understand that you don’t need to be vulnerable like this but that the cost of being otherwise is to forego the passion? Does he respect you and your strength and courage nonetheless? Particularly so?

If the answers are not overwhelmingly positive, ditch the passion guy, and either go with the security fellow or cast your line upon the waters again.

18

Both things are what you do - or I think they should be. I take care of my life, my security. I decide what risks I will take, and what is too much for me. I don’t hand that over to anyone else. I also choose to be passionate. I love my man more than I can say, and we have been through an amazing amount together. Even when things are tough, or just slow (as they will be with anyone if you stay around long enough), I remain passionate about the relationship. I don’t settle… I choose him, every day. I choose the relationship in every decision that could effect the relationship. You can have both, but it will be because you do the work. Good luck!

19

Manda JO, that post just made you one of my all time favorite posters.

This is why I have been cutting a great deal of TV out of my life over the past few years. There’s nothing like an episode of Friends to make me feel depressed. The thing is, I feel fine about myself, but when I watch television, I get (IMO) unrealistic expectations of what other people should be like, what my relationships with people should be like, and what a potential SO should be like. I think we’re all cursed to some degree with the “the grass is always greener” syndrome, and there’s nothing like scripted, done up actors and mild inuendo in unrealistic situations to make me feel the need to hunt for greener pastures.

20

Everyone’s favorite 36-year-old Dark Lord checking in here:

From my experience, and what I’ve seen of other relationships, passion fades over time. Or at least, it changes. Although it’s possible for someone to consistently make your knees melt for 30 years, it’s so rare as to be nearly extinct. That doesn’t mean that a relationship based on passion can’t last, but personally I think it’s better that passion not be the cornerstone. Too often, I’ve seen friends get burned when the passionate magma they enjoyed five years ago has cooled into the igneous rock of day-to-day life. One day one of the partners wakes up and realizes they don’t really have that much in common. If they’re smart, they’ll sit down and talk about it. If they’re not, they’ll start looking for that passionate spark outside of the relationship.

I suppose it boils down to where you want the relationship to go. If you think (or even secretly hope) that this relationship is the one you plan to focus on for the rest of your life, I’d say security. If you’re ambiguous about the relationship, or even the prospect of having a relationship, I’d say passion.

My wife and I have an expression we use occasionally: “Fight the current.” It’s our reminder to ourselves that no matter how strongly the current of everyday living (kids, taxes, chores, work, etc.) tries to pull us down and drown us, we have to fight against it and remember what the really important things are in our lives. Such as each other. Life has a way of beating you down, dulling your edges. We try to remember to be sharp for each other, to help ignite that spark of passion we feel inside. The spark that can get doused all too easily by the current of life.