If you had to choose between an intelligent, stable, financially secure individual who treats you well and an intelligent, not-so-stable, and nowhere near financially secure individual for whom you’ve fallen madly and passionately in love, what would you do?
I have to make a choice here and I have to make one soon. (BTW, I was involved with man #2 in above lines for four years before meeting man #1.) Not that it matters; just didn’t want you to think this was a fling.
I’ve gone over this several times. They both have several good qualities, but I feel “the real thing” with the second and not the first, although I do love him for the person he is.
I’m not emotionally needy; just looking for unbiased opinions.
What do you mean by “not so stable”? If he has emotional problems that make it hard to be with him, even if you love him, I’d give serious thought to commiting my life to man #2. Otherwise, I’d say man #2 all the way. I think real love is much more important than financial security, in terms of long-term happiness.
Well, I would suggest tossing a coin, but I know that never works…
The best advice I can give you is to envision where you’d be with both people in five or ten years, realistically speaking. I mean, “stability” is important (I guess… I wouldn’t really know, would I? :D), but that shouldn’t be the determining factor.
First off, you might potentially find a new guy #3 who’s the best of both worlds, so don’t feel like it has to be one or the other.
It sounds to me like you’re leaning toward #2 already. I’d ask if you are willing to deal with his “instability”. If it’s anything that could be called abusive or would make you miserable and unhappy, I’d say don’t do it.
If you feel you could live in squalor with one of them for the rest of your life and both be happy just knowing you have each other, then I think you know that financial stability doesn’t mean anything when it comes to love. You never know–guy #1 could end up broke anyway.
Arguing as the devil’s advocate, I’d like to point out that passion can burn and die, but real love lasts a lifetime. If you can see far ahead and intend to marry for life (as I hope most people do), project not just 5 or 10 years, but 25 or 50 as well. Physical attraction at age 60 is usually less important than at age 20.
My Grandparents were still very much “physically” in love until their 70s (When my grandfather passed on]. And I personally am planning on being “physical” with my SO until it dries up, shrivels up, falls off, and my fingers and toungue break and fall off. Yay!
She seems pretty happy with that arrangement too.
But, to any extent, Sheerah, do some soul-searching and look at that 30,40,50, and 5 year mark. You’ll know then.
Dearheart, that’s called lust. Love may be temporary, but lust is moreso, and can be far more dangerous.
But that’s what following your heart is all about.
Unbiased opinion: #1 would turn into a frustrating, empty relationship and #2 would turn into a psychologically abusive, emotional rollercoaster.
You won’t be happy with #1 now, but maybe he would be preferable a long time from now.
No, if you don’t love him, you can’t make yourself happy and his affection for you will inevitably die out if he’s stable and sees that it’s not being returned.
#2-
He’s fine- for now. I wouldn’t make any long term plans until he grows up a little. Sometimes people stabilize and mature with age, sometimes they don’t.
oh love oh lust…you are in a quandry aren’t you?? along the lines that already been posted above…number 2 sounds a little risky…what is not so stable??? better look down the road as suggested…and when you marry/commit to someone you are also choosing a life-style w/ that person…and you can’t change anyone. what’s attractive now might not be so charming later on…good luck…!!
If you’re talking about emotional/psychological problems for #2, be sure that he acknowledges his problems and is willing to work to get over/live with them. Otherwise you’re in for a world of hurt if you go with him.
Nothing wrong with being a little crazy, so long as he doesn’t let it hurt others.
I feel sorry for guy #1, but I’ve seen and lived this story enough times to know that he doesn’t get the girl.
I’ve been with both types of men you are describing and I don’t think that either one of them will be good for you. Guy #1 would be the better choice but only if you are really and truly in love with him. If you don’t really love him, break it off now because you both deserve to love and be loved in return. If being unstable means he can’t hold a job, dump Guy #2 now or you’ll be supporting his ass for a long time. If he’s unstable in a mental way, dump him before he has a chance to mentally or physically abuse you. It’s a tough decision but one that has to be made. If all else fails, make a list of each man’s pros and cons to help you decide. This worked for me. You could always break it off with both of them… there’s nothing wrong with not having a man in your life.
Not so stable = is a bartender. Never knows his schedule from week to week. His take home pay depends on his tips. Also, likes to party. (I’m more of a stay-at-home type.) But this second part also applies to Man #1. Has two children by two different women- never married either. Doesn’t have a good relationship with either of the children’s mothers. Never has physically, emotionally, or mentally abused me.
Love vs. Lust. I truly don’t believe it’s a matter of lust. Remember, I was with Man #2 for four years. During that time, I grew quite close to his children, his parents, and him. I know more about him than most people and he about me.
I do love Man #1 because he’s a great guy (although a tad annoying at times) and he’s good to my son. But lately, I’ve gotten the feeling he looks at us like a ready-made family. (he’s 30 years old and has never been in a relationship lasting more than six months. I’ve been with him now for a 1 1/2 years. He’s also still living at home with his parents whereas Man #2 has his own place.)
Man #1 has recently made efforts to “take care of me.” I don’t like this. It scares me; I’ve told him that I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my son (I work full-time, salary, pay my own bills, clean my house, take out my garbage, etc., In other words, I am an adult. He wants to pay my bills, do my grocery shopping, and MOVE INTO MY HOUSE. I’ve told him in no uncertain terms that I’m not ready for that and that I need space. He refuses to see this though and I’m tired of feeling like I’m hurting him.
Get away from this guy now. I dated several men like him and they always turned out to be jealous and clinging. One actually had the nerve to insist that I stop seeing my male friends. He also treated me like a moron child.
Many abusers start out this way, and the more control you give him the more control he’ll take.
Sheera, I don’t know you, and the brief thumbnail sketches of each man aren’t enough information to base a life-changing decision upon, but since that’s all we have to go on …
Neither guy is right for you. One sounds domineering and controlling, and the other isn’t a good match, personality-wise. (I’ve been in a relationship with a party-going person, and if you’re the stay-at-home type, that makes for some serious problem opportunities.)
No reason to make a decision quickly, is there? Look for something else.
That is sooooo true. My ex-husband continued to be a partier even after the birth of our daughter. I thought he should try to spend little more time with us and he thought he had to be out at the bars every Friday and Saturday night getting shitfaced. Eventually he came around and just started getting drunk 7 dyas a week at home. Yeah, that helped. :rolleyes: That’s one of the reasons I divorced him.
I think Sauron is right. Neither one sound like they’re the right one for you.
I don’t know if #2 is wrong or not (wanting some party time doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker, depending on how he handles it), but #1 sounds like a nightmare. I’d get away from #1, and deal with #2 as a separate issue. Don’t choose him because he’s better than #1, decide if he’s the right person for you to be with in the long term, solely on his own merits and your compatibility.
Suo Na is probably right. #1 seems like a definite no-no, unless you intend to marry for money (please say you don’t).
What I don’t understand is why does #2’s occupation concern you that much if you love him? And if you really love him, why have you been seeing this guy #1 for a year and a half? The concern about partying is understandable; it would depend on his personality and the type & number of parties. It’s a judgment call on your part whether you can live with it.
I’ll make the assumption that your ultimate goal is life-long marriage. What do you see as the purpose of marriage? I see it as a partnership to share your experiences, your life, and your love–mind, body, and spirit. If this is the case for you too, then you need to discard all those notions of status and security other than your and your child’s personal safety. If it’s not, then no advice I could offer would mean anything to you.
Man #1 is very controlling. He works in law enforcement, therefore, I feel like I’m either on probation or parole most of the time (i.e. What time did you get home? Who did you talk to at work today? Why didn’t you answer the phone when I called? When you had dinner at the Olive Garden did you have a glass of wine? And the best one yet. . "What did you have for dinner tonight?—asked every night of the week? I didn’t realize my eating habits were of so much importance.)
Also, he pouts. He pouts if he doesn’t get his way, if I ask to watch one of my shows (on MY t.v.) instead of ESPN Sportscenter, if the sky is blue, the grass is green, etc.
And, you’re right, the partying/stay at home personality conflict is a problem. That’s why we split in the first place. He wanted me to stay at the bar until he closed at 4 a.m. because he “wanted to spend time together.” I did that for a while until 1. it affected my relationship with my son; and 2. my job performance suffered. When I finally said, “I’ll come out for a little while, but I’m going home at 11 p.m.” he balked and assumed that meant "I never want to see you again. The fighting was devastating. I couldn’t take the cold shoulder time and time again, so we split.
Man #2 has come back and said he realized what he gave up. He wants me back and I’m tempted to go, but I don’t think I can tolerate that out-'til-5 a.m. mentality anymore. And to make matters worse, I think Man #1 might try to harass or bust Man #2.
Basically, I’m torn between what my heart says and what logically, I should want.
Has anyone out there made this type of choice? What were the consequences?
