Why do you think that you should logically want #1? He sounds like a psycho asshole. Worse, that sort of controlling personality is often the sign of an abuser. (My sister dated a guy like this for about a year, and he was emotionally abusive, and probably would have been physically abusive later on. After they broke up, he got arrested for hitting his mom.)
Logically, you should want someone who makes you happy, and who you are compatible with. That doesn’t really sound like either guy. The fact that #2 was giving you the cold shoulder for not staying out until 4am when you have a job and a son, makes him seem like a jerk. Maybe he’s not, and it was just a phase. But I’d be hesitant to give him another chance until you guys talk about how to avoid that same problem in the future.
First: Get the hell away from Bachelor #1. You’ve painted him as controlling and manipulative, as well as needy and high-maintenance (let me make sure I’ve got this straight- a police officer who still lives with his parents? That really strikes me as odd). The fact that he’s a police officer throws warning signs as well- this is not a disparagement of police officers; I have a great deal of respect for those who serve. However, you have to admit that you get some serious wackos with power issues trying to be cops, and this guy sounds like a serious wacko with power issues. And a gun. Get the hell away.
Second: Give #2 a try, but set your limits. It sounds as if your priorities are your son first, yourself second, another guy third (if so, congrats! That’s a good order). Don’t let your desire to be with him over-ride your other priorities (such as being drug out until 5am to ‘party’) and try to find compromises. If he’s genuine about wanting to be with you, he’ll either tone down his partying or find some sort of compromise; if he stands his ground and demands that you follow, walk away.
Note: These opinions are worth what you paid for them, and you’d have to buy a pound bag of Morton’s for all the salt you should take them with. Still, I’m real worried about Bachelor #1.
Nothing more to add, I just wanted to say that if anyone should read this thread, please take note that I sympathised with #1 back when he seemed to be the lovable, stable, but maybe not quite exciting type.
Yep, JC said something along the lines of what I was thinking. Get yourself away from #1 carefully and talk to #2 if you think there’s a reasonable chance there. For your own sake, I’d recommend you don’t rush into anything with #2; take it slow and watch for any sign of those old patterns. Make sure he knows your priorities and understands that you are not his to control.
I guess the reason I say I should logically choose Man #1 is because from all outward appearances, he seems to be the perfect guy. Most of my friends like him; my mother thinks he’s wonderful; his co-workers seem to think he’s the best thing since sliced white bread, and he has a good work ethic.
I just don’t feel as strongly for him as he seems to for me. He’s a nice guy and all, I’d gladly be his friend, but I can’t seem to find an easy, relatively painless (emotionally) or mutually acceptable way to break it off with him. Like I said, he can be a pain. I envision him showing up at my workplace, following me on his nights off, and possibly trying to damage my professional/personal reputation. I think he has the potential to be quite vindictive.
I’m not finding a simple solution to this problem. I’m not sure that I could extricate myself from his clutches without a huge, publicly humiliating scene. Any ideas?
Bachelor #1 (thanks, John C., that’s great) doesn’t sound like someone you want to stick with any longer. The sooner you can get away, the better, for you and your son. The fact that you’re already worrying about what kind of violent revenge he might resort to says that he’s NOT the perfect guy at all.
I say get away from him first; think about your romantic life later.
Restraining order will not work. First of all, I have to prove that he has the capability of doing something to me or my son. Like I said, he’s well-liked and respected among his peers. Hard to prove something like that. Number two, I don’t think he’d ever hurt us. I’m worried that if he were to find out that I was even considering dating Bachelor #2 the actions he may take against said #2 to make his life a living hell. (I can imagine him staking out the bar, trying to bust him for DUI, or arresting him on a trumped up charge, or better yet having his state trooper buddies doing the deed so that he doesn’t actually get his hands dirty.
Number 3, and this is a biggie, he’s a wimp. He’s not violent, just devious. And Bachelor #2 could kick his ass any day of the week. I don’t really believe he could be violent to me, much less my son—they’re really quite close which makes this decision all that much harder. He’d never hurt my child. But I do think he would resort to trash-talk, befowling my reputation, or trying to besmirch Bachelor #2’s name in public if I were to leave him.
Let me say again, he’s not violent. I do not fear for my physical safety, just emotional and mental.
That last part sounds a little odd as I re-read the board. I’m not worried about mental or emotional abuse. It’s the constant tug of war of trying to figure a way out of this that’s driving me nuts. It’s the 20 questions I have to answer each day like I’m in trouble for something. It’s the rehashing of the relationship with B. #2 to see if he’s who I want for the rest of my life.
Another point I’d like to clarify concerning the restraining order: I work with the magistrates on a weekly basis. They know who I’ve been dating for quite some time now and also have a high opinion of him. I don’t think (even if I had grounds to do so) that they’d grant a domestic petition against him without a lot of documentation. Also, I work for a newspaper. Domestic petitions are printed in my paper on a weekly basis. I doubt my company would look to highly on oen published that names a local, well-known law enforcement officer and their editor.
*TIME ELAPSED SINCE I QUIT SMOKING:
Five months, three weeks, five days, 3 hours, 2 minutes and 39 seconds.
7165 cigarettes not smoked, saving $895.63.
Extra time with Drain Bead: 3 weeks, 3 days, 21 hours, 5 minutes.
*“I’m a big Genesis fan.”-David B. (Amen, brother!)
Neither sounds like a particularly good prospect (especially #1). Keep looking and ditch both of them as quickly, firmly, and diplomatically as possible.
Don’t worry so much about what other people will think. Do you think Bachelor #1 is the first guy in the world that looks good to the outside world? You know what he’s really like.
Here’s a little secret. As a writer of fiction, one of the things I’ve learned is that even the most evil of people have good traits. If they don’t, they’re quite one-dimensional. Sure, #1 might be good to your kid and be a great cop and a really nice public person. That doesn’t mean he would make a great husband. Jeffrey Dahmer probably had good traits too (extreme example used to make point).
Please, reconsider whether you want to be around either guy. #1 sounds controlling, possibly emotionally and mentally abusive. Emotional and mental abuse are far more damaging than most physical abuse. The scars reach farther and last longer.
#2 sounds immature and not ready to face up to adult responsibilities. There’s nothing wrong with tending bar, itself. It’s the other stuff than makes him sound like he’s not ready for a serious relationship.
sheerah, it sounds like breaking up with #1 is going to be messy, but what else are you going to do? The longer you keep dating him, the more clingy he’s going to become.
The worst thing you can do for yourself (and this guy) is to stay with him because you don’t want to deal with the breakup. If you’re worried about #2, tell him about #1 being a psycho and that he should be extra careful about any possibly illegal activities he does for the next few months.
You can’t prevent #1 from being a jerk when you break up. You can only do what’s best for yourself and your son, which is definitely getting this guy out of your life.
O.K. I read this board and it seems like the consensus has spoken and each of you feel that #1 is controlling and not the one for me. (I had already figured as much, but wanted a second, third, fortieth and one hundredth opinion.)
So, I have the talk with him. “Look, I know we’ve been together for quite some time, but I just don’t feel as strongly for you as you do for me. I think maybe we ought to see other people and stop going out for a while.” Guess what happened?
He cried. And cried. And cried. All over my couch, on my dog (she’s not happy with wet fur), and made a big scene in front of my son, “Gee, I’m sorry G. but I won’t be coming around anymore. Mommy doesn’t want me here anymore. I’m sorry. We’ll still be friends.” And he stays, and stays, and stays. He was here for THREE hours after the talk and I couldn’t get him to leave. He just kept whining and saying, “But why?” like a petulant three year old. Finally, I just threw him out. But now he’s cruising my street in his cruiser—up and down, up and down, back and forth, etc.
What in the blue blazing hell do I do now???
And, by the way, #2 knows about #1 and I warned him about the possible implications of my actions long ago. He says he can handle himself.
I advise grabbing your son & running to Alaska. The M/F ratio here is lowest on the planet. The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Both B1 & B2 are insufficient, not good. You can do better.
Can you get away for a few days? Take your son for a little vacation, maybe tell one person (somebody you can trust to keep a secret) where you’re going, and just get a good ol’ change of scenery for a little while. Get to the mountains…the seashore…the big city…anywhere that’s different for you.
I would have called the police and innocently asked if there was a problem in the neighborhood because a police officer is repeatedly cruising up and down the road slowly. Give them the license plate number of the police car, if possible. If he is off-duty, he would have some explaining to do.
You mentioned that it would be extremely difficult to get a restraining order against this man because he is a well-respected member of the community, not to mention he has actually never physically harmed you. Do yourself a favor now, get a notebook and write down the date and time of every single phone call he makes to you, every time he drives by your house, every letter or e-mail he sends to you (make copies of said letters and e-mails and keep them in a safety deposit box, just on the off chance that something bad were to happen to you), basically any contact he makes with you at all. It may take awhile, but if you can prove a pattern of stalking, you can get a restraining order, even if this man never lays a finger on you.
Yep, Shadowfox is right. You also might want to make copies of any answering machine messages–IIRC there are no wiretap law complications because he knows he’s being recorded.
So, last I left you he was driving up and down my street on Thursday night. He continued that for a couple of hours until he (I guess) realized I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. I closed all of the blinds, locked all of the doors and kept the dog inside with me all night.
Friday morning, I dressed as usual for work and did my normal routine. As I was taking my son to school, I thought “No way. i’m not going through this all weekend.” So, I didn’t take him to school and instead took an alternate route to work.
I spoke to my boss and let him know what was going on. I asked to cover for me on Friday and said I would be back on Monday. Then I proceeded to drive. I visited Virginia Beach and Nags Head over the past weekend. My son and I had a great time. We had a long discussion in the car concerning how Man #1 is acting and so far, G. seems to understand how mommy feels.
We just got back and found 27 messages on the answering machine—all from him. I parked my car downtown. Locked the doors. And am not answering the phone. Hopefully in a couple of days, he’ll get the picture.
Thanks, guys, for all the advice. I think you’re right and I’m going to try to steer clear from all needy, insecure, controlling types in the future. Thanks again. You really helped me feel better about the situation.