I’ve been curious about this for awhile, and this seems as good a place to ask about it as any. All of the pastors’ (preachers’, priests’, what have you) wives I’ve known have basically served as unpaid church employees. Expected to run Vacation Bible School, sing in the choir, make pastoral calls, teach Sunday School, head up various committees, etc. As more women enter the ministry in their own right, what role(s) do their husbands play in the church? Are they expected to be as active and involved? How does the expectation differ? How does that affect a congregation?
(I grew up in the South, so my experiences are pretty much entirely based on Protestant Christian churches. I’d also be interested to hear if people in other countries or parts of the US and/or other faiths have had different experiences with preachers’ wives or husbands.)
My pastor’s wife was a doctor of some sort. She was obviously religious enough that she spent some of her time volunteering in the church, but she had her own career outside of that.
My Episcopal priest is an ex high-powered Washington DC lawyer. Her husband doesn’t have much of a role in the church. I have only seen him a few times in the 5 years we have belonged although there are two services on Sunday and he might go to the earlier one sometimes.
It had been my experience that most pastors’ wives served in the capacity you stated, burundi. That is, until I met my mother-in-law. She’s a nurse and has always had a very active career. She’s been very active in the church as well, but not on a full-time volunteer basis. I haven’t known too many female pastors so I can’t expand too well on that.
When my mother was a Pastor’s wife, she did none of these things. I seem to remember, when I was a preschooler, that she did go to committees and have social events like bridge games at the house (which, knowing my mother now, blows my mind as she’s everyone’s favorite hermit/troll nowadays), but as time went on, she grew to resent my father more and more she did this sort of thing less and less. I’m not sure what my first stepmother did as she didn’t “allow” my dad to see us, but I remember after she left that some kids from his church mentioned that she was really weird. My current stepmother, who has been married to my dad for nearly 30 years, goes to church, sings in the choir and is friendly to everyone, but that’s it. So - none of them were like employees.
The lady ministers we know of are mostly lesbians.
I know a Pastor’s husband who is a doctor. I know at least two Pastor’s husbands who are pastors in their own right-- and have their own churches. And one who is an architect. The Pastor who is married to an architect has been married to him longer than he’s been an architect, and a whole lot longer than she’s been a minister. (Married at 18. He went to college became an architect. She did a variety of other things, including stay-at-home mom, until she decided to become a minister in her late 40’s.
I also know at least one divorced lady minister, and a widow of a Pastor who became a Pharmacist after her husband was diagnosed with MS, so that the family would have a decent income coming in.
I heard a lady minister in the Episcopal church talk about such things on NPR last summer. (Probably Fresh Air). I think she was a bishop or something–maybe even higher up in their hierarchy. She commented that being a minister’s husband is a much better job than being a minister’s wife. Minister’s wives have had (traditionally) the kind of unpaid jobs which you describe. And for “modern” women, whose peers are employed outside of the home, this can be a struggle (much like the stay at home mom vs. work outside the home mom discussion. One can pick either or both roles, but not without criticism and internal stress). Pastor’s husbands don’t have so much expectation of being involved in things, and no one is ever quite sure whether to invite them to tea parties and various other feminine things, so they get much more flexibility in their interactions with the church.
The only two female pastors I’ve met married, respectively, another pastor and another woman. I never thought of asking them about spousal involvement, although we kidded the first one about “many upcoming two-parish activities” during her bridal shower…
My pastor’s husband is very involved in various committees and such, but he also has his own career and I don’t think anyone expects him to be around playing host to everyone who drops by or whatever. Then again, I don’t think our church would expect that of a pastor’s wife either. If a spouse wants to forgo a paying career to devote themselves to the church, that is great and all but it is their choice and no one would ask that of them.
My wife’s background and experience is much like yours, and she has observed that a number of preacher’s wives are not up to the task, and some marriages have dissolved over it. Our minister’s wife made it clear before marrying him that she would not be a typical “preacher’s wife.” She does help with some lay duties, but I would say less than the average involved layman. Our congregation doesn’t give it a minute’s thought - for whatever reasons, the expectation doesn’t seem to be there.
My thought is that it will vary depending on the individuals involved (pastor & spouse) and on the congregation. Any congregation that accepts a woman as pastor has already moved one step beyond stereotypical expectations, and might not be counting on the the traditional spouse’s role. From another tack, men are more commonly than women assumed to have “business” to do and aren’t automatically pigeonholed into the “helper” role.
What about the old “Caesar’s wife” thing? How there couldn’t be even a hint of scandal or criticism of the pastor’s wife or else it would kill his career? Does that still seem to be true, and if so, does it spill over to male spouses of pastors?
Our Rector’s wife has her own career, totally unrelated to church work. Yes, she comes to both services (9:00 and 11:00), and attends social events, but she’s not involved with the choir, Vestry, etc.
When we were searching for our current Rector we interviewed several and ALWAYS included the wife. One woman who was married to a candidate was contemptuous of her husband’s profession and did not attend church at all. “That’s his thing completely,” she said. “I don’t buy any of it.”
My father was interested in becoming a deacon in the Catholic church but he and mom were offended by the part where she had to write up how it was OK with her and she supported him.
When my mom left my dad, he tried to blame the bad turn his career as a Pastor took on her. Never mind that he married a teenager within a year of the first divorce…
My church’s new minister (male) is married to another minister (female) (Hey, we’re Unitarian Universalists. It’s all good.) It was made very clear to us when he was a candidate that we were not getting a two-fer. I remember seeing her at his installation ceremony a year ago. He’s mentioned her a couple of times during services. Other than that, I expect she’s very busy with the couple of smaller churches she stays busy with, and considering how busy our minister is with us, I’d be very surprised if he were involved with her congregations.
Wow. I can’t imagine being married to someone who thought so little of both my profession and my faith.
Interesting responses. In many ways, the ministry seems like a classic pink collar profession–caring, nurturing, low-paid. I’m interested to see how churches adapt as more and more women enter the field. (I’m not a believer, but I have fond memories of church and I find this kind of thing fascinating.)
It’s adapting to husbands’ new roles as “pastor’s husband”, but also to the new roles of “pastor’s wife with a career”. Some of the older members of my congregation reacted with blank astonishment when the pastor’s wife said she could not do vacation Bible school/play the organ/lead the children’s choir/host the Altar Guild because she had to work. I know one pastor who is married to a doctor. Our current pastor’s husband is a computer consultant. He runs the sound board and the website at our church, but he is no more involved than any other active layman.
It is a struggle against the assumption of “buy one, get one free” but it is passing, and (IMO) rightly so.