Patrick O'Brian


The OP is being held ransom on Barsoom. For it’s safe return, The Barsoomian government is demanding 6000 pairs of glow-in-the-dark boxer shorts and and autographed photo of Martin Luther, leader of the Protestant reformation.

*Attention: the preceding announcement was the work of a blatant opportunist.

We, The Americans for the Revival of Seth, are holding Tars Tarkas hostage somewhere in an Oklahoma trailer park. He shall not be released until either the BBC or PBS agrees to produce an 18-part miniseries based upon the novel, *Master and Commander.

We promise that Mr. Tarkas will be harmed until our demands are met.

Why do I have the impression that there was a typo and it should read “The OP is being held ransom in Barrooms”?

Maybe we can get John Carter of Mars to do a little recon work for us and confirm if Tars Tarkas is really being held hostage.

I hope we do get an Aubrey and Maturin series of some kind. The BBC should do something other than adaptions of Jane Austin and Bronte Sisters’ novels.

If not, how about 6000 used g-strings from Carmen Electra (I’ll bet they glow in the dark) and an autographed picture of Garrison Kellor, innovator of Lutheran humor?


Tars Tarkas is not being held hostage. But he will be harmed unless these demands are met: Give us the secret ingredients in Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pink kitten.


How about a blooper reel from Kentucky Fried Movie and a genuine bonsai kitten?

Agreed. Leave the ransom in the center of stonehenge at the stroke of Midnight on May 15, 2002.

Sorry, no miniseries–a feature:

Well, that’s bizarre. IMDB isn’t too clear on whether it’s based on Master and Commander (the first in the series) or The Far Side of the World which is what, seventh or eighth?