In my group of friends, we tend to go out to dinner or something similar on someones birthday. The bill is generally split evenly between couples, maybe a couple will offer a bit more if they were the only ones who had dessert, something like that.
Last year, one of my friends had a birthday dinner at a restaurant where a variety of dishes were ordered and shared. At the end of the dinner when it was time to pay, her husband announced he had taken care of the bill which was a surprise to all of us.
At the time, I felt a bit uncomfortable. To me, the ‘rule’ in our circle of friends is that everyone shares these costs. Whilst our income is about the same as this couple, there are other couples on lower incomes and I think it would be difficult for them to pay the total cost of their birthday events.
Now it’s a year later and we are going to the theatre for her birthday this weekend and she has just emailed to say she is shouting us the tickets. I’ve emailed back to say “That’s really not necessary - I didn’t shout everyone at my birthday dinner. Let me know the price of two tickets and I’ll give you some cash.”
She’s come back with “nah, shout us a cocktail afterwards”. Now, the price of a cocktail is nowhere near the price of a ticket.
I feel really uncomfortable about this. Am I over-reacting/worrying/analysing?
Generally speaking, I would say that the birthday honoree wouldn’t pay for anything. However, in the one case perhaps her husband’s gift to her was to pay for a dinner with friends. I don’t think it means that they expect others to do the same, or that they mean to set a precedent. Maybe they had some private reason or means to treat or they made a deicsion that they didn’t want to buy gifts for one another, but treat themselves to company.
Part of the gift is your own presence, and graciously accept the offer. Don’t worry that it means you will need to do the same later. Although if everyone does, you’re just paying a lump sum for what you usually spread out over the year.
I say let her decide if she can afford it. Or even if she can’t let her decide if she wants to.
I make good money and enjoy spending it on people. I don’t feel people owe me and it never comes up in conversation later.
Once I was out and a woman who told me I was very selfish. I was surprised because I thought I was generous. She said: You know that good feeling you get when you pay for others? Well, you never let others get that same feeling by letting them pay for you. You are selfish.
I’ve learned my lesson. If someone offers to pay, I let them.
Could be one of the other couples is a little strapped for cash at the moment. The host knows this, and offers to treat everyone to avoid embarassing whoever is having financial stress. You’ve offered to pay your share, and been graciously declined. I’d say accept, enjoy the evening, and buy them that drink afterwards.
It might be a cultural thing. My Polish friend always insists on taking her friends out for dinner on her birthday, and she pays for it. She says it’s how they do things. I found it really weird and a bit uncomfortable at first, but I’m used to it by now.
Nup, it’s not a cultural thing. We are all from the same culture. For the past ten years we’ve done the ‘share the costs’ system in the group of friends.
Having said that, I’ve emailed back and said I’ll be buying her a hell of a cocktail so she’d better have something to eat before hand!
In Spain, it’s usually the person celebrating whatever who invites others. Lilbro recently celebrated his Bday by inviting:
his family to lunch in his flat, thus doubling up as “opening the flat”
his friends to dinner in his flat the same day (so that he’d opened the flat for the family first)
less-close friends to a tapa and drink, the following Sunday
My cousin (who’s from a culture where “tightfisted” is neither an insult nor a compliment but a way of life) one day surprised 5 of her friends by saying “tickets and dinner are on me!” “uh? what? won the lottery? Antonio Banderas is divorcing the wife to marry you?” “No, gramps is leaving that job of his” (a job which allowed gramps to spy on us) “OH, congratulations!” The outing was already planned and the original idea had been each pays his own, of course… but when you’re happy you want to spread the happiness, right? So, you do that by inviting others!
When, being in the States, it was my birthday, I brought a big bowl of candy and another of salted nuts to work and left them accesible for people to grab as they went by. I didn’t expect others to do the same - gifts aren’t repaid. My WAG re the OP’s friends is that they’re conscious that other people celebrate their own Bdays “Dutch” and don’t have a problem with that: please accept their gift.
It is a cultural thing. In Germany, you pay for your friends drinks at the bar on your birthday. Which is why you have so many friends on your birthday.
I’d say something like “gosh, that’s awfully generous of you, but I really would like to pay my share”. If that is turned down with insistence, then I would let it happen, or it would be rude.
From the standpoint of classic etiquette, the people who do the inviting, also do the paying.
Now, you say that typically, in your circle, you go Dutch. That’s fine. But maybe they feel this is a different case than usual. I suppose that, usually, when you make plans with friends it isn’t a real ‘invitation’ but more a casual “let’s all go out to tomorrow night, where would you like to go?” type of thing.
But asking you all out, to a specific place of their choosing, and to celebrate a specific event, is more like a real invitation-invitation. And so they are treating it as such and paying for the guests whom they have invited. At least that’s how it sounds to me.
Exactly. It’s the same as graciously accepting a compliment (even if you don’t agree) rather than saying “Yeah right” and scoffing at it (something I used to be quite good at), thereby not only cheating them out of complimenting you, but making them feel bad for being so stupid as to try.
I usually ask “Are you sure?” twice, and then thank them effusively for treating.
