Pecan Sandies 100 Calorie Pack! Just a touch better than a kick in the taint.

The BBQ Pit
1

Hey look Keebler, I know I’m a disgusting slob the likes of which couldn’t even pull a Rancor Monster at the local pub, but I’m working on it. I’M F-ING WORKING ON IT.

Is it wrong that a gal like myself will once in a while satiate her desire for the sadistic murder of coworkers, or soothe a heart broken by lost payables aged over 90 days? It’s not. So imagine my thrill at finding our office kitchen had a drawer full of cookies. COOKIES!, in a drawer so full that a little bag of them popped out as soon as I pulled on the handle. It was like a lazy man’s pinata without the bad, no-name ‘crap candy’ that my mom used to buy in a six pound bag for three bucks.

OOOOO Grasshoppers, Fudge Stripes, E.L.Fudges! And there, on the bottom, in a little yellow pack, the cookie promoted by Grandmas everywhere: Pecan Sandies. As you know, Pecan Sandies are Jesus’ After School Snack, and the taste of that buttery nutty goodness at 3:00 on a Friday is just the thing for my weary, accounting soul.

And hey, it’s a 100 calorie pack, my friend. I can eat this WHOLE GOD DAMN bag of cookies and it’s only 100 calories! It’s a win win!

Let’s pull out this first cookie. Um, ok, I think this is a communion Host. That’s inappropriate. Oh. Ok, no, it’s a cookie. It’s good. It’s small. It’s good. It’s…small. I’ll eat two together for the next one, it’ll seem really decadent. Oh man. THis is a good cookie. I LOVE COOKIES. MOMMA! MOMMA I LOVE COOKIES! Ok, now I’ll really enjoy this next one, I mean, just take it all in. Delish.

And now, for the next cooo…

wha.

What in the name of my savior jesus? FOUR FUCKING TOENAIL SIZED COOKIES and a couple crumbs? You miserable son of a bitch. I aughta burn this fucking building RIGHT TO THE GROUND and piss on the ashes. Is this what it’s come to in George Bush’s America? We’re supposed to fold our hands, smile AND LIE and say that this is enough? WELL MY GOD, NO. No I won’t. This is horseshit. HORSESHIT in a MYLAR BAG. I need about four of these to even feel like I"ve made a dent in my emotional shortcomings, and even then I can just barely manage the guilt and self loathing that a good afternoon snack demands.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT? NO. NO MR KEEBLER ELF. NO, NABISCO. NO SIR KRAFT OF THE KENSINGTON KRAFTS. NO CHEEZITS You can take your 100 Calories and cram them up the tiny hole of your teeny pink peen. Don’t worry, they’ll fit with room to spare.

2

snort!
I’ve finally stopped laughing! Good thing, too. I have me a nasty case of bronchitis and laughing is dangerous.

Teeny pink peen!! ROFL!!

3

If you don’t mind my asking, laughing at what?

4

Um, I don’t really get this at all. Cookies taste good, but they are kinda useless edibles. The point of putting them in small portions is to avoid snarking down a wholw bag; to at least make people aware of portion size. What am I missing here???

5

Obviously you’re missing the delicious fun of eating a whole bag of cookies, particularly the glory of a pecan sandie.

6

And sex is for procreation.

7

One might think that if you were so partial to Sandies, you might trot yourself down to the nearest market and buy some.
And now you know when you eat one of those full sized cookies, it’ll be about 100 calories. Give or take.
Did you seriously think you were going to get more than that for 100 calories?

8

Can’t you go out and buy a big bag, then?

9

These are free!!! Free always tastes more delicious.

10

Are you … under the impression that this is a ‘very serious’ rant? If you want a serious analysis of these cookies: The Oreo 100 calorie pack comes with about 20 little cookies in there, it’s actually quite satisfying. If I were forced to have another one of these cocktease treats, it would probably be that one.

11

The Hostess 100 calorie cupcakes are also pretty good. I just had a pack for dessert tonight.

12

Obviously.
Though as you say, not superior in numbers as the Oreos. So eat five of the Sandies packs. Or get a hobby.

ETA: Or hell, for shits and giggles, complain some more about free cookie snacks. Seems much ado about nothing if it was all for satire.

13

Hm, I don’t think I’ve had those. I’ve had the hostess “light” cupcakes and they were passable.

14

Some of the verbiage in the rant, obviously, by my pointing out that I was, “Rolling On the Floor Laughing” at the phrase, “tiny pink peen”.

Are you being obtuse to make the point that you didn’t find anything laughable there? If you are seriously asking because you don’t get any of it, then, my apologies. I will help try to explain my point of view.

15

See, the other thing that was funny there was all the hyperbole of burning things down and such over something as small as a bag of cookies.
Fatgail, did you piss somebody off around here to garner this kind of response to something that was obviously not meant to be serious?

16

Well I liked it.

And mad points for knowing Kensington Krafts!

17

I thought it was an awesome rant! Although I must confess, you had me already laughing at the title. And then it got better.

And for those that didn’t find anything funny - Your sense of humor has my condolences.

18

Oreos are icky. 10 calories worth of Oreos is a wasted nibble. There’s nothing satisfying in ickyness.

Pecan Sandies are total yumminess.

They aren’t allowed in my house. Neither are Samoas. :frowning:

19

Hee! I fell for these last week. Nothing like a few tiny, dry, NON-SANDY FOR PETE’S SAKE cookies to give me severe tooth pain and make me want to stab.

I’m on a diet, I need all the pleasure I can get from the food I do eat. Stupid imitation Sandies, trying to steal my calories. :mad:

20

Yes.