Yes it’s harsh, but given today’s seeming overabundance of irresponsible people, I think it’s a reasonable response. If it makes a difference I’m a 50 year grandma. I’ve been married and had several long term relationships and have raised two kids.
In fact given today’s society period, I think it’s reasonable, I think a full-on background check is a must. Again, harsh yes, but better safe than sorry.
I see a lot of people saying “jeez, it’s just a blind date” or “just a cup of coffee”. But unless you’re only looking to hookup (as the youngn’s say ), and even then I recommend a background check for safety’s sake, I think it’s a smart step to avoid falling for, or ending up with a beer-guzzling couch potato, or a bitchy Gold Digger.
People put their best foot forward, and often can keep that up for a good long period of time. Often, long enough to fool their “quarry” and get them to fall in love with them. So while you may think “well, it’s just a cup of coffee” in the meantime they’re putting forth their A game and how many dates do you go on before you decide to look into whether or not they’re for real?
Why not nip it in the bud and not waste that time?
Hell, I get skeeved out if someone does a google search on my full name (luckily I use handles almost everywhere I’ve ever been, so not much shows up). If someone dug into my financial history, and let me know they did, I’d be outta there quicker than a wildebeest surrounded by lions. (sorry, my metaphors are lacking at the moment.).
You have to remember a Google search isn’t really effective, 'cause you can’t be sure of what you’re getting. If someone dumps me for a good reason, I could go online and make fake profiles, use his/her picture from a camera phone (they didn’t even know I took). I create all sorts of things that would come up in a Google search.
Or you could change your name to John Smith and that way so much info would come up the search is useless
I don’t think that poor credit in and of itself is reason for “dumping” someone. Of course there are all sorts of other things to take into consideration. What kind of debt, why (did he/she just buy a house, invest in a business? finishing up college?) and that sort of thing. I just feel that you can’t be to careful.
A date could be in illegal activities, such as drug dealing/smuggling, which would give them plenty of money to flash around at times. However, I’d certainly want to know if a date is posing as an honest businessman, or if he in fact is making his living by selling crack. I don’t know how we can protect people’s privacy AND simultaneously enable prospective dates to check them out, though. It used to be that people were known in their towns and villages, and you KNEW that someone was a poor credit risk, or was sexually adventurous, because you’d known him/her for both of your lives.
I’m really glad that I’ve been married for over 30 years, and no longer looking to date. My husband loves to watch those People’s Court TV shows, and I am amazed at all the people (men and women both) who gave tons of money to another person while dating/living together, and now want it back. I’m also amazed at the people (again, men and women both) who claim that a loan was actually a gift, despite promissory notes.
You must be a hit at parties, what with you doing constant background checks on everyone you meet. Can’t be too careful you know.
Really, the level of commitment we’re talking about here is a few hours of time. Doing background checks and credit reports is long and boring, and borders on ID theft level of snooping. The only time financial concerns should arise is if there’s any possibility of money or asset sharing (like moving in together, buying a house, a car, a cat, etc.)
A background check won’t find the beer guzzling losers, gold diggers (who may be well off financially on paper :rolleyes:), manipulative abusers who’ve never been arrested, basically anyone named Ron.
I dated a woman with horrible credit, but was otherwise a wonderful person. I never loaned her money, nor did she ask for it. She was just not very good with finances and did a lot of credit card spending in her past and is paying for it now. By your criteria I should have kept far far away from her.
The way you find out if a potential mate is legit is you get to know them. You meet his friends and family. I mean how long does it take to figure out someone is an asshole?
Except here is the paradox. The more time a woman takes to get to know a potential mate, the more emotionally invested she gets into relationship and the more inclined she will be to overlook any red flags, warning signs or other indicators of trouble. IME, women have a remarkable ability for self-delusion.
You obviously have never been married…and you have no idea just what you can find online at NO cost.
My ex was behaving irratioanally (a long and painful story that does NOT bear retelling or reliving), and I Googled her name and the city she lived in. Found out that her house was in foreclosure and she was hiding from the cops for writing a bad check. I didn’t give a rat’s butt about it, except it affects our son. With a little more digging (free mind you), I found out she had filed for bankruptcy.
So, because my curiousity was piqued, I ran a DOJ query on her. Had I done this before I met her, I would be a single, well-off man today.
I highly recommend that you run background checks on yuor dates, only if it’ serious. How you would you, as a single parent, like to find out that your date is a sex offender AFTER you’ve fallen for them? How would you like to find out that your spouse is Transgender AFTER you said I do?
When? In my parents’ time, extending to my own time. My father described how all the women in Little Italy in Gloucester would watch what everyone did, and gossip about it. Males AND females were judged on their conduct, and more than one man was refused a date because of how he acted, not just on a date, but generally. My mother was the same way, although she was open to dating a stranger if he courted her by mail after a chance meeting in person. So, less than 100 years ago, in some areas.
And yeah, getting to know a person over a period of time IS really a good remedy for most circumstances. If I was single and dating, I might do a bit of Googling. If I was thinking of getting married, I might do a more indepth search, to see if he has any exes or kids that have slipped his mind. Or old credit problems.
I don’t see this as a bad thing, either, if your potential mate didn’t use underhanded methods to get the information. I have nothing financial to hide - check away!
I have been married, and I’ve also worked for a private investigator, so I also know what can be found online for free and not for free.
The fact that the information is available isn’t an excuse for invading someone else’s privacy any more than finding someone’s front door unlocked is an excuse to enter the premises uninvited. If you want to know, ask. If you don’t trust them, then why are you bothering? Building “trust” by being invasive is, frankly, a sickening way to conduct a relationship, IMHO.
Yes, Gloucester MA. When my father grew up there, it had a significant population of Italian/Sicilian descent. And everyone in Little Italy knew everyone else. If you know of any Bodonis in that area, I’m probably related to them, but they won’t know me by the name of Lynn.
My dad was in the Air Force, and got discharged in Fort Worth, Texas. He met my mother here, and courted her for about four years. One of my grandparents’ objections to him was that he was an Eye-talian. Another was that they didn’t know him, didn’t know his family, didn’t know this, that, and the other about him…other than he was Not White according to their idea of White. They were accustomed to knowing quite a lot about their daughters’ dates from neighborhood gossip.
I came in here to ask the same thing. Plus, even if you did have someone’s SS and DOB, it costs money to run a report AND if the subject has any kind of credit protection service, they’ll soon know about your inquiry.
I do have a confession though: way back in the early 70’s I worked at a bank and I ran a credit check on a guy that was interested in me. I only wanted to see his marital status (which I did) because of a recent bad experience.
Maybe “Credit Score” should be a new filter on eHarmony.com.
As far as someone checking my credit score, the fact that he knew my SSN without asking me would be more threatening to me than the credit check.
I wouldn’t check the credit score of someone I was casually dating but would check the score of a person I was going to move in with (be it a man or a woman) or marry. It’s not about his income level but whether he can live within his means.
), and even then I recommend a background check for safety’s sake, I think it’s a smart step to avoid falling for, or ending up with a beer-guzzling couch potato, or a bitchy Gold Digger.
