Those things that will stop a date cold.
Could be real or funny: http://www.offthemarkcartoons.com/cartoons/2009-01-26.gif
Mine are women who:
use drugs
want to debate religion
are married or have jealous exes
kiss their pets on the mouth
think horoscopes are real
think pro wrestling is real
need a pacifier to fall asleep
insist I hire a pool boy though I don’t have a pool
She demands to get my checking and credit card info on the first or second date so that we can become “closer”.
She only gives obscure details about where she works and you are pretty sure that she isn’t qualified for the CIA.
Every call she gets from her family has a caller ID from a maximum security prison.
Every other guy (and girl) that passes her at the restaurant you chose gives her a grin and a wink.
Her family tree is so complicated that you have to buy software to figure it all out and it still doesn’t have all the features you need to make it work.
Hmm, never heard of this one, but you might want to re-think it. Could work in your favor.
Smokes. That’s a red flag right there, the ultimate turnoff.
Carries a purse dog to crowded house parties. Bad for the dog, and indicates an attitude that looks at other creatures as fashion accessories rather than living beings. This goes for people who have excessively-neat lawns or poodle bushes as well.
Married and not in some sort of open relationship. Poly is fine; cheaters are not.
Emotionally invested and defensive about conspiracy theories/astrology/religion/whatever. Believing in some such can be okay, but being unable to discuss it or listen to criticism, even to refute it? No way.
Any kind of supremacist (white/black/jewish/muslim/whatever). We all god’s chillun.
Wouldn’t that cause pruniness after a while?
If she answers her cell phone.
Within reason, I’d add. If she’s just picking up an expected call, then it’s perfectly alright. If, on the other hand, she continues talking for more than 5 minutes, while you idly stir your coffee, I’d start scoping out the other women in the coffee bar 
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Male here.
Smoking is also a turnoff for me, as is excessive drinking. A person shouldn’t require copious amounts of social lubricant to make an evening exciting.
always wearing a glove…with six fingers
can’t remember what name she’s using today
Whether or not we have sex. If we aren’t going to have sex, there is no point in continuing the date. And once we’ve had sex, there’s no point in continuing the date.
Countess Rugen?
I know someone who was looking for her.
My coworker once told me about her oh-so-romantic date. She said that one of the things he said, after they’d spent about eight hours together, that clinched their love, was “Do you love Jesus?”
Sweet for her. A definite litmus test for me.
Maybe I’m missing something here – why does an “excessively-neat lawn” bespeak looking at other creatures as fashion accessories? Are you saying that you’re concerned about someone abusing grass?
I’m happily married, but if I were dating now, these would be no-nos for any date of mine:
Smoker
Extensively tattooed or pierced
Aggressively conservative or religious
Excessive cellphone use
Rudeness to waiter
Just about anything else, I could overlook.
Wow, do you guys actually date people like this? I wouldn’t put any of those things on my list because, well, duh. A first date would never happen. (There are some exceptions. I’d date a smoker, and I date someone if sex was a few dates away.)
More subtle things:
Negativity
Depression
Need to always be right
Stilted or non-existent conversation
Afraid to be demonstrative in public
Unwilling or unable to smile
There’s this classic, for men or women http://imgsrv.gocomics.com/dim/?fh=abb998067cc231c5378a3ee939d19d84
If her dog shows up with her on a first date. (Or any animal, guinea pig, snake, pony, etc.)
Too many piercings.
I’m not much of a dater, but, like Elaine Benes, finding out a guy is pro-life shuts any possible romantic feelings right down. Shame, too, since I’d love to see how their positions change with a pregnancy scare…
On the screening end of things, the following in an Internet dating profile will get you shunted to oblivion:
No. I am thinking more of the thread we had recently where someone who didn’t understand dogs was keeping one, and not giving it what it needed. They were treating the dog as an accessory rather than learning what it needed socially and making some effort to provide that. (Yes, I’ve been watching The Dog Whisperer.) They would have been better off with one of those robot dogs, which could be switched off when it became inconvenient.
When I think of ‘excessively-neat’ lawns, I think of the people who spend all kinds of time and effort to make their lawns conform to a rigid idea of what is acceptable, rather then spending 20% of the effort, accepting a few bumps, and receiving 80% of the results. Or installing a non-lawn type of landscaping and spending zero percent of the effort.
To me, these kinds of things indicate misplaced priorities favouring superficialities and external image, rather than content. There are a lot of shades of grey here, though; it’s not one or the other.
Major fail. Because if she talks about her exes that way, one day she’ll be talking about you that way. Best to maintain a diplomatic silence on the issue.
Kids are okay; you gotta find out about them at some point. Other strangers not so much. If there’s a pet, and the pet dominates the picture though, it makes me wonder which one of them placed the ad. Best to lead off with a picture of the dater alone.
It’s just another flavour of religion as far as I can tell. To me, the religion isn’t as important as how the person practices it. Are they arrogant and closed-minded, or are they willing to step back and perceive the other? This is very hard to pick up from dating profiles.
Oh I don’t know. Many women I’ve seen identified as soccer moms are quite attractive.
Pro-life or anti-choice?
I forgot about this one.
Last year I contacted a woman via an online personal. When we got on the phone she dominated the conversation with mundane thoughts about Home Depot and how she was redoing her home. She went into excruciating detail. And this was without letting me change the subject or in fact do any talking at all. When I finally managed to change the subject to one of relationships, she went on a 15-minute fowl-mouthed rant about what a complete fucking asshole shit her worthless fucking asshole shit of an ex-husband was.
The conversation pretty much pushed about 75% of my “Do not date – EVER” buttons.
Oh yeah, excessive profanity is a turn off too.
I try to avoid the dating scene as much as possible, but I’ve noticed that the following types of statements ping my “OhwowlookatthetimeIvereallygottagethomeandwashmycatnoIllwalkmyselftomycarKTHXBYE” meter.
“Yeah, I don’t have guy friends. Girls are a lot easier to talk to and guys are all assholes anyway.”
“I really miss her, she was hot.” - Now to clarify, I don’t mind if someone brings up an ex during the course of conversation, but I DO mind when the value placed on the relationship directly correlates to how “hot” she was or whether or not she had a “smokin’ body”. Egggh.
“It’s probably too soon for this, but…” - IT IS! It IS too soon. Whatever you’re about to tell me, it’s TOO SOON! This statement is generally followed by anything from “…I think I could totally fall for you.” to “…What’s your favorite position?”
Anyone who eyerolls when my cell phone goes off, is anti-abortion, is ferverently religious or insists on mentioning the brand of his clothes or his income is most likely just not compatible with me.
I also have to second whomever mentioned being rude to waitstaff. That KILLS it for me, as does crappy tipping.
Dating, blech.
