Usual disclaimer: Those who are sick of hearing it can just move on. Nothing to see here. Just more self indulgent complaining and an excuse to muse.
So on Sunday I get back on Match. No, my profile is not under the QuickSilver handle and I’m not telling you what it is. I know you sodds will make my life a living hell if I tell you what it is.
The last time around, about 18 months ago yielded good results and I was dating a really great woman for a little over a year.
But I’d forgotten some of the annoying, frustrating and near celibacy invoking traits among some of the people. Let me sum it up:
The “I’m above it” date:
That’s the one where your date shows up but acts like she’s doing you a favour in doing so. She clearly got better things to do and better people to do it with and this is a mercy thing.
The “Self Medicating” date:
This one spends the evening telling you about how she’s just come down with a cold but it’s a lucky thing that her mom’s saves her prescription anti-biotics and gives them to her. They really knock out that cold fast. “Waiter! Another vodka martini with a red wine chaser!.. I can’t swallow these pills with just water… Do you want some?” Ummm… no thank you… :eek:
The “It’s still me inside” data:
That’s the one where the photo in the profile is at least 5 years and 30 pounds less ago. But they insist that they’re still that young and beautiful at heart. You just have to look deep inside to see it. What are you, shallow? Clearly you’re just a superficial asshole for expecting them to look “exactly” like they claimed. :dubious:
The “C’mere handsome!.. BACK OFF! Why are you so close!”:
Yeah, this is a fun game. You’re hansome and sooo funny. You write so well. I love corresponding with you. Call me tomorrow night, okay? Oh sorry I missed your call… I got caught up with shopping late. Call me again tomorrow…alright? What? Oh, sorry I had to return everything I bought the night before. But I swear, I’ll be home tonight. Call me! Yeah… sorry again… my cat ran away… I was out looking for him all night and you wouldn’t believe where he was. It’s so funny!!! Under the bed!!! Can you believe it!!! :smack:
…and my personal favourite…
The “I’m window shopping” date:
This one actually starts normal and the conversation is good and you go see a movie the next time. Maybe out dancing on the third date. When suddenly… "Guess what?!.. I got accepted to art school/new job in New Mexico! I’m moving next week!.. " :rolleyes:
So anybody have any other favourites they want to share?
The “Won’t You By My Punching Bag?” Date:
Somehow, it’s your fault that her last boyfriend cheated on you, and you’re a pig, just like all other men.
The “I’m Just Looking For A Little Help” Date:
Somehow, 0 children turns into 4 children between the front door and the restaurant. Er, no…I didn’t sign up to be a father for your kids, each usually from a different father.
The “Social Drinker” Date:
Related to the Self Medicator, but prefers her booze with just more booze, usually “called” boutique cocktails that cost more than a Superbowl ticket.
The “I’m Don’t Smoke, Except When I Eat, Drink, or Get Nervous” Date:
Look, when it says I’m looking for a non-smoker, it doesn’t mean “unless you smoke Camel Lights.”
The “I’m Not Into Anything You’re Interested In” Date:
This is a tough one, all the more so that she’s pleasent enough, but we just have no common interests. Most of the date is spent wondering (no doubt on the part of both parties) how early we can call it a night and how to tactfully suggest that we don’t need to repeat the experience.
And the worst…
The “Oh My God You’re Beautiful and Intelligent and I’m Totally Rolling Snake-Eyes Here” Date:
The Perfect Girl: think Grace Kelly in Rear Window. Unfortunately, you’re not the reciprical fraction to her infinity of grace and style. Don’t even ask for a goodnight kiss; it’s not gonna happen.
While I can see some of these being more female types than male, several are androgynous: I’ve run into “I’m above it,” “It’s still me inside,” “Social Drinker,” "I Don’t Smoke, Except When I Eat, Drink, or Get Nervous," and “I’m Not Into Anything You’re Interested In” several times myself.
I’ll add the following…
The “Let’s Go Skydiving” Date
This guy doesn’t leave his house unless it’s to participate in an extreme sport. If you’re not willing to hang off a sheer cliff on your first date, he’s not interested. Too bad he couldn’t have mentioned that before you met.
The “Maybe You Won’t Notice I’m Here” Date
This guy’s e-mails are fine – usually smart, but not as funny as you can tell he’s trying to be. The prelimary phone call is a little awkward, but you like what you’ve read so you go ahead with the meeting … during which he barely speaks, and seems to actively avoid eye contact. There’s introverted, and then there’s this guy.
The “Oh, They’re Not Synonyms?” Date
Thinks that “divorced” and “separated” mean the same thing.
The “Let’s Get You In Shape” Date
This guy recently lost a lot of weight and/or started working out, and has the balls to ask about your diet and exercise habits on the first date – and then decides that he’s now your personal trainer/dietician. (Um, no, you are not coming over to my house and going through my fridge. You saw my pictures: if you want to date a skinny chick, write to one.)
All of which is part of why I’m not active on Match.com these days.
There’s something I haven’t told you, but it’s no big deal, really… This is when the guy still lives with his wife, who he didn’t tell you about, but they’re legally separated, really! and she’s cool with him dating, they’re best friends!
I’ve never felt this way after a first date! This guy has called and left a message on your voice mail before you’ve even gotten home from the date. This call is never returned, as aren’t future calls or emails from him.
You must do whatever I say regardless of how you feel about it This guy wanted me to meet him at the bar of the ritziest resort in town, the Hacienda Del Sol. I told him that I wasn’t really comfortable meeting there, you can’t even wear jeans, fer chrissakes! I wanted to meet at a normal, low-key place. The guy insisted that we meet swanky, I thought he was a jerk for not taking my comfort into account, so he ended up sitting at the $8-for-a-Budweiser place waiting for me until he finally figured out I wasn’t going to show.
I’m gonna be a star someday! This guy made me suffer through three long, tortuous hours of him singing karoake in a bar. Directly to me. Talk about uncomfortable. Thank God I had lots and lots of drinks, it was the only way I could get through it.
I was going to call you, I’ve been really busy. This guy IMs you three months later, late at night, and wants you to “come over”. When you mention that the chemistry hadn’t seemed right when you met, and you haven’t had any contact since, he professes his undying attraction to you and claims to have been thinking about you ever since. He didn’t call because he’s been busy/too shy/out of town. Yeah, right. Let me race right over to you. Hold your breath.
I can say I’ve had some great dates, but boy, those sucky ones sure did suck.
Call me a traitor to the sisterhood, but I’m surprised to read that you’d act like this.
If I had a good date with someone, I might think it was sweet to have a message from him before I got home. But even it it was a horrible date and the message was just creepy, I’d at least send the guy an e-mail to let him know that I wasn’t interested anymore: simply disappearing strikes me as cowardly, and much more harsh than just saying “thanks but no thanks” would be. I’ve been on the receiving end of disappearing acts, and they never fail to piss me off. In fact, I almost listed The “Caspar The Unfriendly Ghost” Date in my first post.
Regaring the guy who insisted on swank: if you don’t like the proposed meeting site, simply say “no.” I can’t understand standing someone up. One of my first clues that things might not work out with the most recent boyfriend was when he told me about plans to help a female friend deliberately stand someone up. In my book, that’s a dick move – whether done by a man or a woman.
Well, Misnomer, I guess that’s a difference between me and you. The guy that called and left a message before I got home- that struck me as stalkerish and creepy, so no further contact on my part. I don’t mess around. I have very strict boundaries when it comes to things like that, and I don’t feel that I owe anybody anything just for having met them.
The second guy, that I never went to meet- I made it quite clear to him that I didn’t want to meet at his suggested place. In fact, I brought it up three seperate times before our planned meeting. He insisted that we meet there, and he wouldn’t have it any other way. He showed no regard for my feelings or my comfort. So why should I show him any?
In all other cases, I totally agree that standing someone up is very uncool. I’ve never done it at any other time, but these two guys… yup. I’ve certainly been ignored and stood up myself. I take it as a risk of internet dating, and I don’t take it personally.
The “I’m a mother. I know everything.” date:Yes, I understand that you have children. Yes, you know what’s best for them and what they should do. I’m not one of them. I didn’t ask you for advice about my life… :rolleyes:
The “I’m talking and I can’t shut up” date:
Yep. And I’ll repeat myself. 'Cuz I think this is really important for you to hear. It’s a trivial point but that’s why it bears repeating. I know I’ve asked you this question before but I didn’t hear the answer and I’m not listening to it now because I just realized I’ve got more important things to say than you and it’s critical that you listen to me. Afterall, communication is the cornerstone of any good relationship… now where was as?.. Oh yes… so my ex cheated on me… :smack:
The “Are you mildly retarded?” date:
Ummm… yeah… it’s the male partner’s chromosomes that dictates the sex of your child… No, really!.. It’s been scientifically determined. Yeah… that is kind of funny that you didn’t know that… ha ha… (Waiter! Check please!) :eek:
Genuinely shy? Please. How about “bootie call of desperation”? I don’t think a genuinely shy guy would ask someone he barely met months before to come over late at night. I can generally tell the difference between the two situations, not being completely retarded and all. But thanks anyway.
Gee, not only do I recognize most of those dates, I think I have been most of them. I usually specialized in the
If I touch her, she’ll call the police date where the male of the species is unable to take any hint less subtle than a 2x4 to the skull. The kind of date that makes one wonder how the species has managed to persist for so long.
But I am currently dating the most beautiful woman who is somehow blind to all my faults. Miracles are still possible and I am very grateful.
