This isn’t quite what you’ve described, but I think it’s related.
I have a friend who I could refer to as being “aggressively naive”. She has been out-of-work as long as I have (since 2008, approximately). Whereas I kept looking, and actually worked a bit in 2011 before I got disability, somewhere along the way she gave up. Her husband is now their sole income.
When I was going through a Goodwill program looking for work, I mentioned to her that they’d advised me to wear makeup, update my hairstyle, etc. before I start interviewing. And she was flabbergasted. “Why would you have to do that?” I tried to explain about making good first impressions, and so on. “But shouldn’t they be hiring you based on your resume? Why should they care what you look like! It’s not like they’re hiring you to be a model!”
At one point in the last year, I was remarking that I was going to enjoy using my cat-themed purse for as long as I could, because when/if I go back to work, it certainly wouldn’t be appropriate. And she gave me this look, and asked, “Why not?” I tried to explain to her that most likely, I would be working in an office environment, where certain things are expected. And she shook her head and rolled her eyes.
I honestly think she does not get it!
I agree with her, certain things shouldn’t matter in regards to your job. **But they do. ** You can’t just whine about it not being fair, you have to acknowledge that those are the rules, and if you want to work, you have to follow the rules. Or at least play along with them.
I would say it’s hard for me to “fake it”, but NOT for the reasons your former coworker had. I’m definitely more introverted, so Dealing Directly With People is incredibly draining.* Even if I’m, say, on a weekend trip or all-day event with my bestest friends, I *will * reach my people limit if I don’t make sure to carve out some total alone time, which means I get unhappy, then irritable, then anything done or said is extremely aggravating - including things I enjoyed just a couple hours earlier.
Combine this with wanting to help people, wanting to please people and a ridiculously developed sense of empathy,** and it means that the random jerks you get in any CS job really and truly hurt me. I’ve worked SO hard to get rid of this issue and have made progress but it’s incredibly slow. My best coworkers have been able to deal with an asshole, be annoyed/pissed for a few minutes, and then let.it.go. I am incredibly envious of this skill.
What I DON’T do is bitch that customer service is bullshit and stupid and “fake” just because it’s harder for me.
Note that this doesn’t mean I Speshul Snoflayyyyke and refuse to do it. 95% of all my jobs (including in corporate IT) have been Dealing With People. It’s just HARD for me.
** I’d say over-developed to where it can be detrimental in some situations.
I see it as a growing lack of maturity in society, and selfishness. Maturity is the ability to delay gratification - to save when you want to spend, behave when you want to act out, think when you want to react. The ability to “keep calm and carry on” and know when expressing your feelings is inappropriate. It’s slagged as being fake or repressed, when you’re simply exerting the emotional control that used to be expected of an adult.
Most people now see their own feelings as paramount, and why shouldn’t they be allowed to inflict their emotional state on others? Do what they want now rather than wait until their turn, or until a more appropriate time?
As a teen, I once had a customer call me a nigger due to a perceived slight (I waited on someone ahead of him he hadn’t realized was there). I calmly told him we would no longer serve him at that location and when he demanded the name and number of my supervisor, I wrote them out and handed them over. I can’t think of many black teens today that wouldn’t be facing assault charges and/or get fired, feeling justified because someone insulted them, regardless of the surrounding circumstances and consequences.
The thing about moods is they can be contagious. When you are tired, stressed, or upset, its easier to make microexpressions other people pick up on. When I ask an employee for help and they scowl for a split second, it makes me feel like I am somehow inconveniencing them, which feels awkward. Just because you’re not aware you are making a face or talking in a slightly loud or whiny tone doesn’t mean other people wont.
A description I’ve applied to such people is that they “worship their whims.” Like most personality traits, moderation is the best policy. Creative types and successful bullies/dictators can benefit from thinking that whatever impulse their subconscious sends upstairs is holy writ.
Most people prefer their friends and coworkers to show some discipline, critical thinking, and consideration alongside their spontanaiety.
You would be surprised what people will tolerate from friends or family. Often their peers are so used to the person’s quirks, so resigned on trying to correct the behavior, blatantly unaware of it or lack proper personal boundaries. Since the person isn’t getting any pushback, they don’t think they are acting inappropriately.
I think these special snowflakes end up being cultivated by a lack of self awareness. They complain about how hard it is to keep a game face, but I think it’s laziness and a lack of motivation. It’s so much easier to do ‘nothing’. But give the person the right motivation, and you would be surprised how much people can ‘adapt’ .
Part of it might be, but part of it probably isn’t. Keeping a game face is a skill, and like any other skill there’s a huge variation in not only how hard someone’s willing to work to acquire it, but how much raw aptitude someone has for it. Everybody has something that they can do, but it takes a lot more effort and concentration and practice for them to get the same results most people get pretty easily. And everybody has something that no matter how hard they work at it, their results always kind of suck and so they just say “fuck it.” And people for whom that something is easy and natural dismiss them as lazy and unmotivated, because it’s not like it’s hard.* Common somethings are spelling, math, writing legibly, cooking an edible meal, being on time for things, controlling weight, and walking around without falling over your own feet.
*We all do it, and we all have it done to us. While I’m sitting here judging the person who has to whip out a calculator to figure out a 20% tip, they’re judging me because I trip over lint in the carpet.
Interesting question and discussion. I’ve always worked in service so I have dealt with a lot of people exactly like this!
My view was always that they likely stepped into adulthood with a burning need to be “authentic”, due the conditions in the environment they were raised in. It never took too much listening to piece together that their home life was grievously flawed, yet made to appear fine to everyone outside the family. Marriages verging on divorce, addiction issues, debt crises, cheating spouses, bullied children, violence, etc, all get swept aside and become ‘the family secret’.
The children are born into it, and complicit in, ‘the lie’, long before they are capable of choosing to, yet carry some guilt about playing along. Especially when the wrongness, whatever it’s stripe, is severe/hurtful.
They unknowingly develop a zero tolerance policy to such two faced ness, in their own lives. Usually as they mature, the burning desire fades a little as they internalize that this is their life now, and no one can draw them back into such an insidious lie ever again.
I try to cut them some slack knowing this phase shall pass, with time, and that few things are as disturbing as recognizing you’re being willfully dishonest with a straight face!
I’ve worked in service a lot, and in training for service a lot, and my two favorite “lines” were (re: hiring) “I hire the personality. I can teach the skills, I can fix the paperwork, but I can’t teach the ‘right’ personality,” and (during training,) “You can put up with any asshole for five minutes. If you truly can’t, this may not be the best job for you.”
In some ways, I secretly admire people who are so “real” that they brook no bullshit, but it ultimately seems so immature and self-defeating. Personally, I’d rather just deal with the bs, gripe about it later, and ultimately, keep my job and my paycheck. The people I’ve known who are unable or unwilling to do that seem like they got stuck at a teenager’s level of maturity, and can’t move beyond wailing about life being unfair, and being true to themselves, and they can be a little exhausting. I don’t know how they get through life, with every job and relationship just a moment away from ending in an explosion of “keeping it real.”
The other problem is people mistake assertiveness with a lack of tact. A person with emotional intelligence can pick their battles, know when to stand up for themselves and know when to control their body language and tone. Someone without emotional intelligence is either extreme- either a total pushover or a loudmouthed boor. The asshole THINKS he’s being assertive, but he’s not.
I’d agree with this, but that’s a different phenomenon. Culturally, there’s been a trend towards “being yourself,” “keeping it real,” and the like in child-rearing and pop culture since the early 80s. Everyone is such a special little snowflake and it’s everyone else’s role to accept them and accommodate them, like indulgent parents.
As a manager, I had a lot of conversations that started with “Why should** I **have to…?” Rather than expecting them to be able to get along with others, everyone seems to expect others to get along with them. If they’re having a bad day, why shouldn’t they take it out of everyone? To do less would be fake, instead of, say, considerate or even professional.
I think to some degree it may be a pendulum-swing kind of thing. Back in the day, we had the WWII generation, who were notoriously buttoned down and job-oriented as a combination of wartime needs and the expectation that if they worked hard and put their jobs first, they’d have a guaranteed job and a solid pension awaiting them at the end of it. That’s how things worked for my grandfathers- they put their jobs first, had more or less guaranteed jobs, and ended up with solid pensions above and beyond social security, and from their perspective, independent of swings in the stock market. There was a sort of social contract that went with being employed in those days.
Nowadays, companies downsize at the drop of a hat regardless of seniority or full time status, and they do not give you pensions- just match on a 401k that’s at the mercy of the financial markets. The social contract’s not there- everyone is essentially a contractor in many ways- some get benefits and vacation time, etc… but there’s no expectation of anyone I know (I’m 41) that you’ll work for the same company more than about 5-10 years. Nobody I know has, anyway, and we’re all professional types- IT guys, lawyers, architects, construction types, etc…
I was raised with grandparents who had the old-style deal, and parents who were bit by the change, so I see it differently than today’s entry-level workers who were brought up not expecting the old-style deal.
It makes sense to me that if they’re not expecting much from the company other than a steady paycheck, that they wouldn’t buy into doing much above and beyond their job description.
I try to remember that some people have a hard time faking it only because they are very, very unhappy. Faking it may seem easy to do if you’re not prone to depressive moodiness or a short temper, but not everyone has that luxury. I consider myself fortunate in this respect. I’m not bubbly in the slightest, but rarely does sadness or anger take over me. If these emotions lived inside of me all of the time, it would hard for me to hide it. And all it would take is one person to be snide or nasty to me to upset my apple cart.
The people who are grossly unhappy but somehow manage to hide it from others often end up worse off than those who hide it. So while it’s good to not let your mood control how you behave, I wouldn’t necessarily judge someone for being unable to pull this off without knowing more about them and their life struggles.
I think you misunderstood my OP a little bit. I used quotes on the phrase fake it because I and many posters in the thread agree its not really acting fake. Its controlling your mannerisms which isn’t necessarily insincere. People can put on their game face every day at work but still be open and honest about their feelings…in appropriate outlets.
People going through trauma or mental illness might feel they have a difficult time keeping those feelings aside at work. I know. I had a former co worker whose wife divorced him, and he kind of lost his marbles over it. He would break out in crying jags in front of passengers :eek: . He would pull the bus over and stare at the sidewalk mumbling to himself for twenty minutes at a time. Eventually he got fired because he simply wouldn’t keep it together while at work. The sad part was my work has resources for employees going through grief/divorce/addiction. He could have taken paid time off, gotten counseling, gotten time to get himself together. But he didn’t. Obviously some people don’t have jobs this generous, but if you gotta work to pay the bills you really need to get your shit together sometimes.
*** this is a hijack & I am not responding to the OP at all***
I think I’ve wanted to read responses in a thread like this for a while; a lot of you are doing what I do and yes, sometimes it IS hard. I honestly do try hard on every call, but there is a noticeable difference between call 1 at 1 minute into the shift & call 2oo that is 7 ¾ hours into the shift. Some places let you shake it off after a bad call or will work with you re: the call… but some places won’t even let you get up to pee when you need to, OSHA be damned.
This is how I really truly try to be and aspire to be on each call. No, I’m not always successful… But I recover well & I really do try. I try to hear the issue by letting them vent and then I get out my little box of tools and I fix it.
No, I don’t wear the suit I wore the first week; business casual seems formal when everyone around you has pants sagging down their asses & their Hanes hanging out (and those are flag colors that Nobody needs to see, kids).
Yes, I wear shirt-jac over my shirt, but that’s because the temperature varies wildly during the day and I have to dress in layers. Indoors. Yeah. You can’t take a headset on or off when you are adjusting to the 40 degree-85 degree-40 degree
spin-the-dial and guess your best indoor thermostat. Still, I really do hear what you are saying and I don’t disagree with you at all. Would I like to work in an office with a constant temperature, air vents that work, and on occasion windows?
Sure. I hear that’s what CareerBuilder is for.
You and I are way too much alike. One of my sisters was amazed that when I was 3 1/2 I could make every face on the back of the ‘A Hard Days Night’ album in under a minute without trying. And I can’t play poker or lie worth a damn either, which occasionally makes it hard for me to do my job of “tell them something and get them off the phone. You’re being timed.” watch-tapwatch-tapwatch-tap Yes, I have to believe in what I’m saying… and I don’t think that’s lazy at all. I think people can hear that and that they appreciate a little humor that slips out from under the Plastic Mannequin Mask of the script. Nobody likes a robot and everybody has better things to do. You know that internet meme of “I want that 5 minutes of my life back”? Sometimes, if in this dance people will let me lead, I can give you back Two. Personally, I don’t think that’s a bad thing and its why my bosses care more when I can’t make it in as opposed to some of my co-workers. I easily handle 150% more calls than they do every day and I don’t shuffle the work off on other people. Its not much of a job accomplishment, but I earn that honor every day through hard work and not giving up.
When I have bad moments and bad calls and bad days… when I’m exhausted near the end of a shift and I really need to walk a lap around the floor but I can’t because of call volume… when I’m at my worst and lowest points of a week or a month…
that’s when I’m standing in your shoes.
Its not bullshit and we can help people and we Do help people… hundreds of people daily. Its not easy for me either; its not the career I studied or trained for… its not the creative process that I’ve always wanted to follow. Still, in its own way,
it is a creative process. Not in the metrics management of manipulating people or ending conversations quickly, but in the helping of people. We both know that every day, every single day, we help people out of a bad day and into a better one.
Its our hands which we extend to help them up. Look, if you were sitting next to me for all I know you’d think I sucked at that job… and maybe you are right. Sometimes a bad call is like being buried in an anthill and you have to shake your head
hard enough to keep them out of your ears and from getting into your brain. I don’t always suck at this job though… and I really am looking to better myself. I know that I can’t take calls forever and I’d be lying if I told you that I’m not looking
for a way out. Every day. But I have to pay the bills until that job out there, somewhere, opens up.
BTW- I responded to you three because you’ve reminded me of several people over several jobs that I’ve worked at over the years. I miss them, wherever they are working at now. While I always joked that on leaving a job we should all stop someplace after to split a pitcher of beer and laugh about all the times we’ve had, that has never ever happened.
An early St Pats toast to all of you, for you are friends. And family.
I remain personable and above all professional in employment or business dealings at all times, I pride myself on it.
But this never seems to be good enough, I’m also supposed to be sickeningly sweet and overbearing, and even go to the length of coddling mental illness or insane people.
I mean how would you react if a random customer demanded to drive the bus, then when you politely but firmly decline they go off on a rage and start screaming do you know who I AM?!
Guess who gets chewed out after a call to management.
