I am the complete opposite. When I am really near tears, it comes out as anger. I think I understand the reasons for this but that’s a different discussion.
This is very interesting to read. I have always wondered about people who cried when they were mad. I mean if you’re having a fight with your SO, you might cry, but then I assume it’s because you’re sad that you and your SO are fighting. People who cry because they are mad at like, a coworker, I don’t really understand that. I guess I just assumed these people got their feelings hurt really easier. I mean, I didn’t judge them for it, it just always confused me.
I view crying like vomiting - you don’t want to do it, it’s unpleasant and ugly while you’re doing it, but afterwards, having gotten the nasty out, you often feel better fro it.
I sometimes cry when I feel overwhelmed by frustration, more than anger.
I don’t cry when I realize I’m responding to a 12-year-old zombie* from a banned poster, but it does sting my eyes a little.
*Pre-teen zombies are just the worst.
I agree with this in general. But if Im being honest the actual act of crying is not always unpleasant unlike the act of vomiting. Sometimes, in certain circumstances the act of crying itself is a sort of self-soothing mechanism that occurs, in-part, as a way of expressing your feelings externally. Which can have the result of less feeling of isolation, support from others who wouldnt have been able to relate without the strong emotional empathy they feel to the sight of another person crying.
I cry for no reason at all.
I became more sensitive after my divorce at age 40. Songs and movies will often move me to silent tears.
On the other hand, there are not a few people who react to crying in others with anger: it makes my husband mad to see me cry, and he’s normally a pretty sympathetic person. This is unfortunate because I cry very, very rarely–never when I’m angry, only when I’m overwhelmed with shame or grief or fear–and that only happens once every few years. I’ve noticed it with our son, too: temper-tantrum tears either move me with sympathy or amuse me to the point that I have to leave the room to laugh. My husband gets mad. Sp tears don’t always inspire sympathy in others.
Yes, I cry when I’m angry, and I hate, hate, HATE it!! I always feel like people won’t take my anger seriously when I cry. They’ll feel pity or discomfort rather than the boot shaking terror that I would prefer they feel.
It could be worse. I could be a guy. Then people would just laugh at me.
I get your husband’s point of view. If my wife starts to cry during an argument, I get mad and feel like she’s “cheating at the argument” and not expressing a rational point of view that is debateable on its own merits. I can’t recall any situation in which I was the one being a tool and she started to cry, but several in which she was in the wrong and then brought out the tears. It feels like a distraction strategy and aggravates me further.
To the original poster - As a younger person, I used to become so frustrated with my father that I would cry during arguments. It made me so mad (at myself) and in turn madder at him. We had a difficult relationship during my youth that I’ve written about on here before. My last outburst was when I was around 18. It was over a trivial matter and it embarrasses me to think about it, even now. It is the opposite of my wife and I fighting though - I was usually in the right, my father stubborn and intractable and me frustrated to tears.
As an older person, I’m considered very stoic. I think I’ve cried 4 or 5 times in the past 25 years. (I’m 45 now). Even that has changed though.
Nowadays, 30 years downstream of any abuse from my father, I have a good relationship with him. My mother is now ill in the early stages of a terminal cancer, and he has been unwavering in his support and care for her. She’s had to give up all her activities except ballroom dancing with him, and I can barely get through watching them dance to a song together. It feels like the tears will spray out of my face and it takes all of my self control to not let it happen. The emotions are so strong that I feel like they’re ambushing me. I’m not ashamed at all and I love my parents. I just know that my mom would know why I was crying and in turn feel guilt over it in her own mom way. Honestly, my eyes got a little shiny just writing this paragraph.
Thinking about and writing all of this brings me to the full circle of concluding that I need to be more forgiving/less frustrated by my wife if she cries during an argument. We can’t pick and choose our emotions or when we’ll feel them, and understanding that this is also true of others can go a long way.
PS
I feel compelled to put the footnote here of saying that my wife and I very seldom fight.
Tears are stress-reducing.
It’s common enough - If you see tears streaming down my face, and no obvious reason for great sorrow, you may wish to remove yourself elsewhere. That’s an indication of me having extreme, ready-to-berserk, rage.
Of course. I was speaking generally of course. There will always be exceptions and deviations.