As I sit over this cloud of vapor
Cursing the bastard who stole the paper,
I have no time to wait or linger.
Look out, asshole. Here comes my finger.*
I don’t know anyone’s gender here, but I think this 20-minutes-to-take-a-dump nonsense is a guy thing. When I gotta go, I go… then I get the hell out of Dodge. I don’t sit there reading books, doing crossword puzzles, playing cards, or otherwise dawdling the hours away while someone else waits.
It’s not childbirth, guys. Next thing we know, you’ll start asking for epidurals…
Me, either! I hate pooping in a public bathroom, but there are times that I have to go so soon after I eat that I wonder if somehow someone wired my esophagus directly to my large intestine. If that happens in a restaurant, well, there ain’t no getting all the way home to do my business–unless of course, I was going to rid of those clothes and that car, anyway!
Fine. I’ll be out as soon as I finish this post.
You win.
For all you know it’s not even that. It could just be one stubborn little turd that the guy’s at a stand-off (sit-off?) with.
Hey, if I could finish up in thirty seconds, I would. I do not relish the fact that sometimes there’s a bit of poo that’s not quite in but not quite out. Believe me when it’s not just hanging there to annoy you. Believe me when I say that it’s far more annoying to me than it is to you.
Great simulpost!
Do either of you put any effort into the task at hand…or do you just sit there pondering your Sudoku waiting for gravity to do all the work?
You see, a few years ago I had a baby who weighed over 8 lbs. and from the time the baby crowned to delivery was a total of 18 minutes. Why was I able to push all 8 lbs of baby out in 18 minutes? Because I focused. I did not sit there and read the paper or deliberate the daily crossword puzzle. I focused and got the job done.
So the next time you’re in the stall and dealing with one of those annoying hanger-oners, don’t dilly dally around idlely while a long line of impatient people forms. Apply yourself and take care of business …and if Zeno is waiting outside, use forceps.
Normally I’m not in there long enough to do sudoku, so I don’t take any. So yes, I’m putting effort into it. Trust me, if I could get out sooner I would.
Very well done! 
Stranded,
Stranded,
Stranded on the toilet bowl,
Stranded,
Stranded,
Stranded on the toilet bowl,
What do you do when you’re stranded,
And there ain’t nothing on the roll?
To prove you’re a man,
You must wipe it with your hand,
Stranded,
Stranded on the toilet bowl.
-Red Hot Chili Peppers
Eighteen minutes? I’m pretty sure you’ve gone over the limit–the OP would have been complaining about you for sure.
I have to post this link about a guy that kept bringing back toilets with broken bases. Customer’s Suck thread you have to read.
People, people.
The whole point of visiting a public toilet is to have a long satisfying dump.
To sit there contemplating the ways of the world,to cogitate, meditate and muse on lifes little foibles and quirks.
To enjoy the agony of the poor bastid waiting outside desperate to go, to cock (heh) ones ear and hear the groans of anguish, the hopping from one foot to the other, the pleas of “Please hurry up, I’m crapping myself here”
These are just a few of lifes sweet joys, schadenfrued (sp) or summink.
Oh, and don’t forget to use up ALL the TP before you vacate the trap, howls of anguish as the bloke enters are sweet music
Yes, I put in the effort. If the last thing I do before ending my work day is dropping the kids off at the pool, then you can bet that I’m trying my damnedest.
And congratulations on delivering your child in a timely fashion. I don’t think you’d be so cavalier if you’d spent another 30 minutes trying to squeeze out that last little big toe.
Sorry for the mental picture.
I’m so regular you could wind your watch by me. I’ve got it within 1/2 hour…guaranteed.
I can’t wait until day when you change your location field to Fort Collins.
I have to agree with the OP.
How the hell does it ever take longer?
You must definitely be eating something very, very bad.
It has never taken me longer then 5 minutes and I am a 37 year old, mildly overweight guy who eats just about anything.