There’s a great way to deal with these flakes. “Sure, I might like to do that. Give me a call that night.” Then go ahead and make other plans.
Turn the tables on those bastards.
ETA: Nice simulpost!
Honestly, this is probably why you’ll never see me at a Dopefest, and I guarantee I’ll never plan one. I keep an eye on the Dopefest threads just to see who’s meeting and where. Nine times out of ten, they start out with a bunch of really enthusiastic people “definitely” coming, following by several bagging out as the date approaches, followed by more posting day of “oh, just too tired, sorry, have fun!” Sometimes it seems like a really fun gathering does take place, but more often the 'fest is cancelled last minute or one or two guys end up having a beer together because no one else felt it was a real commitment. “One or two guys having a beer together” can still be fun, but I feel bad for the people who are trying to plan a sizeable get-together, only to watch it fizzle out.
I’m not really all that sensitive to that sort of thing unless I get bailed on for stupid reasons the day of.
I have a dear friend who constantly doesn’t feel good on the day ANYTHING is going to happen. Do not buy this person concert tickets, I swear. When hangouts do happen they’re lovely, but.
I have a housemate like this, who has also been a good friend of mine for 10+ years.
And it’s not like we do so much stuff together as well as live together that we’re sick of the sight of each other, I work and study and he works two jobs - most of the things he eventually blows me off on are his suggestions.
Him: Hey - neither of us is working tonight! Let’s get some takeaway and rent some dvds and have a movie night!
Me: OK!
So I’ll come home in the evening and hang around for a while. As it gets later I send him an SMS or maybe ring him just to ask what time he’s getting home. He doesn’t answer/pick up the phone until quite late at night and then it’s ‘Yeah, sorry, I went to dinner with some people from work.’ (The people from work you’re constantly complaining about and telling me that you hate? Those people from work? Yeah, those people from work).
Or something along those lines.
Granted, sometimes he does tell me when he’s decided to do something else before he actually does it - but even then he’s still assuming I’m OK with just being the backup plan.
Grr.
In lots of other ways he’s an excellent housemate and friend. But - grrrr.
Dammit. I’m at university - a place brimming with social activity and people around my own age, why the hell can’t I make new friends?
About seven years ago, at a very critical and painful point in my life, a beautiful women I’d known as a friend decided that she wanted to have a relationship with me. We set up an actual date, our first. As I recall, it was about a week before my birthday, which is kind of a sacred period for me.
As I was getting ready to leave work to go home and get ready for our date, I got an e-mail from her telling me that she had an opportunity to go flying with her brother and decided to do that instead “because it will be more fun”. God knows what would have happened if I’d missed the work e-mail, because she didn’t send one to my personal address or leave a message or anything.
But that was it. “More fun” than going out with me. Go fuck yourself, bitch, YOU wanted the relationship with me, remember? Then she was all bent out of shape because I didn’t want to have anything to do with her afterwards and chose to go out with someone else. Couldn’t understand why I acted the way I did and continued to defend her choice in the face of my pain and anger. I think I spoke to her maybe a handful of times after that.
Yeah, I can’t stand being someone’s Plan B. One of my co-workers uses an e-mail sig line which is very appropriate:
Don’t make someone a priority who only makes you an option.
My general sense is that it’s a bigger problem with attractive women. Our culture absolutely worships young attractive women. Young attractive women are constantly bombarded with requests to spend time with them so there’s much less downside if they break a date. Even if they alienate a potential friend or boyfriend, there are 10 other people who will call them the next week. And plenty of people willing to put up with their flaky behavior.
A few years back, I met an attractive woman who was solid girl – the type who wouldn’t cancel a date at the last minute. We’re now married.
I don’t get treated that way very often. But, on those very rare occasions when it did happen, that was it. the “offender” got written off. I don’t have time for that crap and I don’t have to put up with it. So I don’t.
I used to do that to my best friend all the time, until she hit the roof one day and called me on my shit. I realized what an assholish thing it was to do and made sure to make time specifically for her after that. I can’t really explain why I did it, except maybe that I was constantly worried something else more fun would happen and I’d miss it, and also that 99% of our plans consisted of me making the effort: taking public transit, traveling out of town, going to her house, etc., and I felt like since she didn’t make the effort I held the veto, so to speak.
Ironically, this just happened today. We’re having a party at our house tonight, with my wife’s group of friends. We did something similar back in January, and had one of the guys and his partner teach us some cooking. Sort of a Matha Steward thing, but without the jail experience.
My wife and I are going to be the chiefs this time. Not that we’re anything special, but I’ll teach some American cooking and my wife will share a Taiwanese dish.
Anyway, I had set this up back a month ago, and everyone was enthusiastic about doing it again. I also invited one of my American friends, and his Japanese girlfriend. He knows everyone and had been to our parties before.
He tentitively accepted, but couldn’t commit because he didn’t “know what would be happening then.”
I send out a updated email this week telling people the exact time, (it’s in the late afternoon, then we eat afterwards) so it was only letting people know they should come at 4:00 pm. Everyone else immediately says yes, but my friend who waits three days to respond, and texts:
So I guess he was right, he couldn’t commit to a party because he didn’t know what other things he may decide to do.
What he also doesn’t know is that he just received his last invitation to a home party.
I’ve had friends who did a somewhat less annoying variant:
Call you on Tuesday: “So, what do you have on tap for this weekend?” Me: “X, Y, and maybe a little bit of Z with A and B on Saturday evening. You?”
“Oh, cool. Yeah, not sure what I’m up to.”
Friday p.m.:
possibility (a): “Hey, are you still doing X tonight?”
(b) [crickets chirping, to be followed next Monday by a casual reference to “Oh, yeah, Carlos had a little party he invited me to at his place out in the country.”
I got to where when I got the (a) call on Friday, I’d just say: “So – nothing better turned up, eh?”
These variants are a bit easier to brush off than the outright flaking-on-a-definite-plan, though still annoying. And yes, I noticed that disproportionately, the offenders here tended to be fairly attractive/popular people (i.e. people who often have lots of options, AND, who judge their success by having a calendar full of the best-available options for every night).
I’ve had a few friends who would exhibit this behaviour - they didn’t last very long. I have no problem with someone saying “Yeah I’d love to meet Saturday but will let you know closer to the time because [insert issue they have at that time] so I might not be able to make it”, because you know ahead of time they may not be there. However people who say “Hmmm, not sure, I don’t know what I’ll be doing that weekend” are to me simply saying that they haven’t decided which option sounds the best yet - in which case they can expect to have one less option to worry about from me.
That said one of my best friends went through a period where she bailed out on me constantly - seriously every time we’d arrange to do something the day it was due to happen I would get a text from her and I’d know before I opened it that it was her cancelling (and I was right). We lapsed contact for quite a while but after we re-established she didn’t do it anymore.
I think I’ve been pretty lucky with this. No repeat offfenders in my background. Sometimes something really big comes up, like a family event and that’s no big deal. About a year ago a good friend and his gf were supposed to have dinner with my wife and me and he cancelled about two days ahead of time because of a big business event. He had to go to charm some new customers. Again, no big deal, we had dinner a few weeks later.
But there was one woman who I knew peripherally who would would make multiple plans and then choose the one she wanted at the last second. I can’t imagine how she got away with that for long or at what cost.