Do you like to make plans or "play it by ear"?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Say I invite you over for dinner next Saturday. Do you prefer to set a specific time at which we expect you to arrive, or do you prefer to just set an approximate time to be firmed up later? If the second, when does the time get firmed up?

Not a big deal, but IME people greatly differ in this respect. Probably quite noticeable to me, as my wife and I are in the first camp, and her sisters are in the second.

No, I don’t mean we are inflexible. But if we are planning to see someone/do something, we like to set a specific “approximate” time at which it will happen. So maybe we’ll say, “Come over at 4.” Sure, if something significant comes up, it could move to 3 or 5. Or if you are running late, we won’t bar the door at 4:05. But setting the time of 4, makes us able to plan the rest of our day up to - say - 3. And if something else (not critical) comes up at/after 4, we’ll say, “Sorry, we already have plans.”

When someone says they “don’t want to be pinned down,” we sorta hear that as, “in case something BETTER comes up.” Our social calendars are not so crowded that if we receive/extend an invitation - or otherwise make plans - we figure those plans get some priority, and that other things that “come up” should be planned around them (barring unforeseen eventualities like surprise visitors from out of town, etc.)

And I guess we like to plan our days to some extent. The person who refuses to pin things down is somewhat holding the other person hostage. For example, my wife’s sisters are coming over for dinner this afternoon. I thought they were coming over at 4 - which will have certain implications WRT when I stop working, when I change and shower, when we prep food, etc. This morning my wife said her sisters “didn’t want to be pinned down,” so it could be 3, or it could be 5. No, not a big deal either way, but just illustrates the different perspectives.

So which type are you? Inflexible assholes like me and my wife, or irresponsible jerks like her sisters? :smiley:

2

Heh. One way my gf and I differ is our response to this thread. I like to have everything planned out. If I’m going somewhere and I’m supposed to be there at 7, I leave early enough to make it there by 7. If I plan on going to a certain restaurant tonight, that’s where I’m going.

My gf prefers to leave things open. It doesn’t bother her if she is running late and won’t be there at 7. If we plan on going to a certain restaurant and then she sees mention online of a special event in Pittsburgh, she has no problem switching where we go at the last minute, which drives me nuts.

3

I think of myself as a “play it by ear” person, but more somewhere in between your two positions, I think. “Come over at 3 for dinner” really means more like “somewhere between 2:45 and 3:45,” especially if kids are coming over, as I know how much a pain in the butt they can be and throw schedules off. I don’t particularly care if you come late, just don’t come too early unless I specifically say “the party starts at 3, but I’ll be fine with visitors anytime after 1:30” or something like that. “Dinner at 3” also does not mean dinner will be served at 3. I’m not sure I’ve ever been to a party like that. “Dinner at 3” to me means socializing, light apps, drinks, chips, etc., will occur for about an hour or so until dinner is actually ready. When I have a barbecue, main dish times are even more approximate, and the whole point is to come over for socializing, and food will be served when it’s served, although there will always be something available to eat (if not the main dish) from when you arrive.

I guess it depends on what the context is. Dinner out with reservations is a tighter time control, for sure. I’ll also often just offer to meet up with a person somewhere at X o’clock, and we’ll figure out what to do from there. In that case, timing is also a little more tight; generally I like to meet with the person within 15-20 minutes of our scheduled meeting time, with lateness preferably signaled by a text. But I don’t need hard plans with what to do after we meet, as the point is meeting.

4

I make plans but am flexible (within reason) as described in the OP.

5

That’s one I had to force myself to lighten up on. Over 36 yrs, my wife has gotten me to accept “fashionably late.” Maybe 10-15 minutes. My family - if you say 4 pm, the damned bell rings at the stroke of 4, w/ everyone on the stoop. You’d think they were waiting in a staging area down the block. But I would get uptight about it. Say we said we’d leave the house at 3, I’d be standing there in my coat ready to go, as she finished up getting ready. And I would figure if I wasn’t there on the dot, I was late!

One thing we agree on, tho - if we invite you for 4, DON’T dare come at 355, cause we can guarantee we won’t be ready! :wink:

6

Back when I had a social life, I tended to be the first guy at a party. And I would get anxious if it was 7:05 and nobody has showed up yet to a party I’m hosting.

But once people are there (or I’m there), I’m not hard set when we sit down for dinner. I think it all depends on the mood of the crowd.

I guess I’m a make plans guy and every SO I’ve ever had has been a “We’ll get there when we get there” type person. Which drives me crazy but I’ve learned not to fight it.

7

Whenever I’ve hosted parties of >20 people, I’ve generally noticed that people don’t really start straggling in until 30-45 minutes after the start time. There’s always at least one person who is the “on time” person (my cousin – and his father was exactly the same way with family parties. First to arrive, first to leave) – but the bulk of people seem to come at that time frame. I’ve hosted a few parties where, like you, I was wondering if anyone was actually going to show up and, the next thing I know, I have fifty people in my apartment drinking, dancing, having a good time. I have kids now, so don’t really throw that many parties, but this was my experience in my twenties and thirties. Every single party, I’m just hoping a dozen people come, and an hour later I barely have enough room to host them all.

I like to be on time for parties, but I’ve long since employed the attitude of “we’ll get there when we get there” as there’s simply no point in stressing. Get out the door – don’t be purposefully late – but if you’re running late, you’re running late. Send a text if you think the host would care. It’s not a huge moral failure if you’re late, and why wind yourself up about it? Being pissed off at yourself isn’t going to get you there any quicker, and doesn’t make you any pleasanter of a guest.

8

My brother lives in Michigan (near Dexter), while we are in western Pennsylvania. We invited my brother to a big party at our place. Everyone was told to arrive at 6, and everyone showed up between 6 and 7. Except for my brother, who showed up at noon!

9

I like to make plans and stick with them when it’s reasonable. If I invite someone for dinner at 5:00, I’d like them to be there between 5:00 and 5:30. Chances are we’re planning on dinner hitting the table at 6:00 so if they come later than that, the food will be cold or overcooked.

I’m not that anxious about a dinner party. My friends will show up eventually, even if some of them will inevitably show up late (red haired lady, I’m thinking of you!)

My trick for solving the awkward first guest problem at a big dinner party is to invite the guest to whom I’m closest to come an hour or so early and help get ready. Hopefully they don’t need to actually do anything but they can sometimes come in handy. More importantly, when the next guest arrives, that guest doesn’t feel awkward for coming “too early” and both guests can occupy each other while I finish the food or what have you.

10

My wife has digestive issues such that she feels ill if she eats too late - or at least needs to prepare by taking medicine. A wrinkle we often encounter is folk who say, “show up at 4 - we’ll eat at 5.” Well, you know the drill. Sometime around 530 or so they will start THINKING about preparing the meal - which is not gonna hit the table before 630 at the earliest…

11

I don’t understand “don’t want to be pinned down” for dinner. If dinner is being served at 4, then showing up at 5 means you eat cold leftovers and showing up at 3 means you awkwardly sit there while your host prepares dinner.

12

I suspect this is gonna go down the same rabbit hole as Why are you always late?

13

I’m not such a fan of “play it by ear”, in that it always seems like it creates more friction. For example, if I know that I’m having dinner with a friend, that’s a big undefined “blob” in the late afternoon/evening/night, and without having a plan, it always feels like I’m either being selfish if I do other stuff until 7 or make plans at 8, and force the other person to react to me, or if I don’t do anything, I’m just cooling my heels waiting to react to the other person’s plans.

I guess I like broad plans that can change. I mean, I realize that “no plan survives first contact with the enemy”, and that plans can change, but having a broad plan gets everyone on the same page and lets everyone else make other plans before and afterward. Of course this can get adjusted if need be- communication is key. If people say 3, and show up at 3:45, that’s kind of inconsiderate , unless someone has notified everyone ahead of time.

14

IME, “don’t want to be pinned down” means that up until the last moment - they want to be able to say, “Instead of 4, let’s do it at 3. Or 5. Or next week.” And not because something else came up that couldn’t be rescheduled. Just because they prefer to not have to set and follow a schedule.

I just can’t imagine what that sort of person’s “calendar” - whether physical/electronic/or mental - looks like. Just a bunch of vague suggestions that something may or may not take place at various times/dates? Some kinda ranking system as to what is important enough to resist rescheduling, as opposed to stuff that may or may not happen…

15

If you’re inviting me, I’d prefer you set the time at the invite. If I can’t make that particular time, I’d counter with a time that fits my schedule. If I “might be able to, but…” then I’d explain the caveat in my acceptance of your invite along with a deadline of when I will know for sure. In that sense, the time will need to be firmed up later, but you’d know exactly when to expect a firm answer. If I won’t know until the morning of, you’d at least know that from the outset. And you’d be welcome to cancel the event entirely at that point if desired.

16

I know us Dopers are an older lot. But seeing people plan on dinner by 5 makes me chuckle. We’re sure showing our age!

17

For that sort of thing, please set a time. “We’ll firm things up later” seems pointless to me and just makes next Saturday harder; maybe there’s other stuff I need to do. Why not firm it up NOW?

On the other hand, if I’m on vacation, I prefer to usually not overplan activities. If you wanna go to Vegas, sure, maybe we have a set time to see a show or reservations at a very fancy restaurant, but I’d like most of the week to be max relax.

18

Exactly how I feel. Sure, we can always adjust the time, but why not set it now?

Some folk - including my SILs, really like to leave as much unspecified as possible. IMO, to allow them to change their minds upon any whim up to the final instant.

19

That strikes me as incredibly flakey and self-centered. It’s one thing to show up (or not) to a barbeque or party or meeting a bunch of people out a bar that runs from “7 til whenever”. But dinner usually means deciding on how much food to prepare in advance and when to serve it.

20

Both. I’ll lay out reasonably specific plans for something, but I am aware that the situation is always fluid.

My favorite t-shirt for such times is one that says “New plan - FUCK IT!”