You want me somewhere you tell me where and when.
If you can’t make up your mind when something is happening, don’t expect to see me.
People who accept invitations and then flake out by more than 15-30 min. drive me nuts.
If they’re offering up a modest window like this I’m inclined to be flexible, in the sense that I would plan dinner assuming they arrive 5, have something available for them if they show up earlier, like drinks and nibbles, and try not to be stressed out about it. Especially if your wife can entertain while you finish work and clean up.
This works as long as they don’t give you a 2 hour window for arrival and plan to complain that the souffle you promised isn’t ready the moment they walk in.
I like making plans, my ex-wife is very much the opposite, and I’ve also heard the “don’t like to be pinned down” reasoning. The interesting thing is that her parents are extreme planners. They are socially smart though, realizing others have a range of timing, and so set their own sub-plans which make’s their micro-planning not obvious. Their public invite is something like:
“come over at 4:00, dinner at 6:00”
Their own private plan is more like:
-2 days prior find fresh saffron for the Paella,
-start thawing frozen meats in fridge at xx:xx so they will reach 4C at 4:15
-So-and-so with children ages 3-4 might show up; clean and sanitize age-specific toys from the attic for them, store in place A by 2:00
-have salmon dip mixed and chilled by 3:00. Upon arrival of first guest bring it out but return to fridge within 45 min.
-Main course in the pre-heated oven at 4:50.
-Side dishes started at 5:10, 5:25, and 5:40.
-All snack foods taken back and re-stored by 5:30, small bowls in the dishwasher and large bowl hand-washed for salad prep.
-All children told to wash hands at 5:35
-Small plates and cutlery set out at 5:55,
-Chilled salad ingredients mixed and prepped for service at 6:00, main course pulled out and resting
-At least 1 person in charge of collecting used dishes and immediate hand washing them during salad course, and setting out big plates and cutlery during such
-Salad bowl off the table at 6:15, drinks refreshed, main meal components set out by 6:20; internal temperature of main must be X-Y.
-Another person in charge of collecting used large dishes as people finish for the dishwasher
And so on and so on through dessert and the rest of the evening. And yes, the food is served at a certain temperature and if people don’t get to the table fast enough you’ll hear clapping and additional announcements that it’s ready. I have to admit though every meal there matches and usually exceeds a nice restaurant experience; you don’t see a single dirty dish in the sink through the entire evening; it’s that planned. Their daughter (my ex) is the polar opposite, but also really likes the experience her parents provide. So she happily goes along with their ways at their house. But at her house, LOL.
She’ll start thinking about what to make for supper after her first guests show up (which is typically “whenever” on Saturday) and ask what she’s making. I can’t say how many times I’ve heard her answer that question: “Uh, let me see what I have”. It usually ends up being some frozen pre-made lasagna-type block of ice that takes 2-3 hours to cook in the oven. But in the mean time the ever-present packaged snacks come out, music plays on someone’s iPhone, people show pictures on their devices, someone turns the TV on, she tells and listens to peoples stories, and it turns out ok.
For her, unless life is improvised hour to hour, she feels like she’s being confined and controlled by others. “What? Show up for work at 8:00 tomorrow? What if I feel like sleeping in or doing something else? That’s BS; I need flexibility!”
I hope only a small portion of play-it-by-ear type people share that motivation, but it is a real one for some.
I’m generally more of a planner, and for parties like those discussed here I like it when there’s a clear start time (with an understanding that people will trickle in over the next half-hour or so).
But on vacation, I can get annoyed by travel companions who over-plan. I usually like to schedule just one thing per day, and have at least one day with nothing planned, so I can go with what I’m feeling in the moment. I hate finding myself with someone who wants to schedule back-to-back-to-back tours and meals and activities. Not only do I come home exhausted, but I feel like I missed out on chances to say “oh, that looks interesting! Let’s check it out!”
A few years ago I went to a work conference in DC. I made plans to see some friends who lived there, and spent one evening with a co-worker who was there with me, but I jealously guarded my last night alone. I wandered around checking out the museums and monuments, and got it into my head that it would be nice to see the Declaration of Independence again. For some reason I misremembered it as being at the American History Museum; of course it’s at the archives, which close a half-hour earlier. I missed my chance, and felt a bit silly for not planning this out better. But then as I was walking back, wondering what else to do with my time, I stumbled upon a theater with cheap last-minute tickets to an adaptation of Allison Bechdel’s graphic novel Fun Home, which was incredible. It was the highlight of my trip (sorry friends and co-worker!)
The former. If I’m invited to a party at 7 and I arrive at 7:05 I want to apologize for being late.
There are good reasons to be flexible and all that, but if I invited someone over there’s work involved. We put an extra layer of spitshine on the house. And we’re probably feeding the guests something. That requires some shopping, preparing the food, etc. Maybe I’ll be delighted to host you from 4 PM to 8 PM but not 8 PM to midnight.
However, I always defer to Mrs. L on these matters. She’s usually running late so there goes the moral (wink wink) high ground.
I would say too that there’s always the option of not inviting such people, or perhaps not as your sole guests. If you’re having a casual evening get together with lots of people passing through your home, it doesn’t much matter when each appears or leaves.
Do they invite you to their place? Are they flexible in the times you can arrive? I’m not trying to be a jerk—I’m just saying that some people are sort of hypocritical and others aren’t, and it’s worth noting. And I think some people are unable to manage their time, just as some people are color blind or tone deaf. It’s not a moral failing but that doesn’t mean you have to sign up for lots of it, either.
I’m a chess expert and former computer programmer.
Of course I plan ahead and set clear times! 
I am absolutely the make plans type of person. If you invite me over for lunch/dinner and don’t specify a time, I will immediately inquire as to the precise time of arrival, any food or drinks I should bring, and any ambiguities must be resolved. Even more, I meticulously plan out my schedule a minimum of two weeks ahead, so if your proposed day is before then, then GTFO (unless you’re someone I really like, there’s probably only two people I would violate my rules for).
Same goes for vacations. I plan all vacations a minimum of 6 months ahead of departure, with a detailed itinerary of what to do, where to explore on each day, and I make sure to purchase all necessary tickets online prior to the trip, or if that isn’t possible, then at least note down the details of the ticket vendors so I can get right on it as soon as I arrive at my destination.
Lately though, I’ve been giving more buffer time in between each stop of my itinerary, cognizant that as I get older I can’t maintain the same frenzied pace as I did in my youth. But to ad-lib the whole day completely? Nuh-uh, never. If I did, my body would actually begin feeling physically uncomfortable, not unlike an drug addict going through withdrawal symptoms, bemoaning the loss of order and control in my life.
I plan. I may even plan to “play it by ear”, depending on the situation.
Christmas dinner? Be there at 2, and we’ll eat at 3. It’s important for all the other activities, such as opening gifts, talking to far-away relatives, etc.
Going to a bar in the evening (B.C. = Before Corona)? Let’s see how it goes / the weather / workload, etc.
Vacation? I set priorities, and make sure that the “must” list is done, Everything else is “play it by ear”. Otherwise it’s not much of a vacation.
I tend to be prompt, leaning a tad early sometimes because I worry about being late. When I invite people over, I want them to show up on time, so stragglers make me crazy. Especially if I’m timing a meal. You’d think I’d have learned by now.
On the other hand, on vacation, I prefer loose planning - along the lines of “Wanna go to the museum today? Then lunch after?” as opposed to “Museum opens at 9, and we’ll have 3 hours till lunch.” If there’s a specific activity we really want to do, we’ll get tickets ahead of time so that will be rigid. Beyond that, it’s not really structured.
We vacationed with a couple of friends once - and the guy was a planner. He wanted every day scheduled in detail. We never vacationed with them ever again.
When we eat out we prefer eating late. At home if it’s just us, dinner is on the table btwn 7 & 8, mostly to force my gf to stop working.
If we have friends over for dinner, we eat early. But then we party late. Dinner 5-6:30. Drugs, alcohol, bawdy talk 7:00-??.
Yeah, planning events on vacation much beyond a place or two I want to see just drives me absolutely batshit crazy. OK, that’s an overstatement, but I don’t much like it. I hate tour groups much for this reason. It just doesn’t feel like vacation to me if I have to adhere to a schedule. I just want to chill TF out and enjoy myself by sleeping in when I feel like it, by going out and wandering the streets when I feel like it, etc., not when some schedule says. (I totally understand the people for whom free-form vacationing is stressful in not having a plan; I’m exactly the opposite in that way). For that reason, I actually prefer traveling alone, though it’s been years since I’ve been able to do so. I just don’t want anybody to have to defer to my whims nor I to somebody else’s whims or planning.
For me, if it involves another person, I plan. If you invite me somewhere at 5, I’ll probably be sitting in my car discreetly round the corner at 4.45, reading a book until the appropriate time. If I’m not there until 5.15 for any reason, I will feel awful, even if it’s a casual get together and I’m still the first guest there.
On the other hand, stuff I do solo is basically pure chaos. If I’ve booked where I’m staying more than 2 nights ahead on a trip, that’s unusually organised, and I have been known to show up in a country with nothing booked at all- not even that night’s accommodation. Plans for the day are typically entirely ad-hoc. Yes, this has resulted in me sleeping in the car, not making it to things I would have liked to do, and spending time on holidays trying to find ways to get to something I want to see, but you know what? I don’t care. Every trip has been interesting, and this complete madness causes me significantly less stress than being 10 minutes late for meeting a friend at a café would.
The truth is, I don’t like planning or running to a schedule. I’m someone who will be thinking about a 2pm meeting from the time I get up, and it will impact my enjoyment of the day. If I want to meet with someone, then I respect their time enough to deal with that, but when it’s just me then, unless it’s something I know I’ll regret missing, it’s not worth the stress. If I’ve booked something, it’s because it is something I consider worth the hassle, and the whole clockwatching, planning thing comes into play- I’m usually very early for flights, trains, shows etc.
I avoid travelling with others, as you may imagine.
I should be landing in St Martin right about now, but Omicron made that not happen.
If we were there, each day we wake up and decide which beach to visit. While at the beach we alternate each day; one of us offers three possibilities for dinner and the other person picks one of the three. It’s a fun way to plan. 
If someone sets a time for me to arrive, then I will make an effort to arrive at around that time. I think it’s a bit disrespectful to not do so. Other than that, I don’t like it when the activities are planned to the minute. I much prefer to play it by ear.
deleted.
Today I have an example of how we differ with planning. We decided this morning that we’d go to a brewery in Springdale, since the sushi truck we love (Just Roll’d Up) will be there. I asked my gf when we’d be leaving and she sighed, saying we’d leave whenever we were both ready.
I had to explain that we’d be going past the dispensary on our way and I’d like to place an order, but they close at a certain time, so I need to know.
I guess I’m somewhere in between. I don’t like too much detailed planning on vacation - maybe a dinner reservation, or advance tickets to a show or baseball game, but that’s about my limit for planned. I’ve been on a few group vacations where the entire day after breakfast is planned in advance, and it’s not my preference. But I also don’t like to “play it by ear” when I have less than full-day plans with other people. Which is a persistent problem with my sister-in-law. She likes to propose plans like “Let’s go to dinner on Sunday” and doesn’t want to pick a time until Sunday afternoon because she doesn’t want to stop whatever she’s doing at a certain time. Which fairly often results in dinner not happening - because she’ll decide she wants to stay at the beach until 6 pm and therefore can’t meet for dinner until 8 pm even though she knows ( or perhaps it’s because she knows) that we never would have agreed to an 8pm dinner on Sunday if she had said that from the beginning. She apparently has not yet figured out that when she calls us at 4 on Sunday and wants to meet at 8, we cancel anyway.
I try not to make plans. Next thing you know, the term “premeditated” starts to get bandied about in the courtroom.
(Can’t remember who I’m stealing this from.)
One of my sons is a play it by ear guy and he’s a real pain in the ass. When he says he’ll be here around 3 that means as early as noon or, more typically, 4:30-5 o’clock. And he get’s shitty with folks who call him out over it. My daughter refuses to make any plans at all with him.
My dad is a timeclock, demanding precision about when things happen, which is insanely annoying especially since he’s a jerk about it. This has actually led me to be less careful about being exactly on time, since I don’t like to reward assholery. Nowadays I adhere to my brother’s philosophy, which is the ‘ish’ philosophy. If you say you want people to be there at 1, he will promptly respond that he will arrive at 1-ish. Generally this means ‘within fifteen minutes of the time’, though sometimes traffic has been even more variable than that. The expectation is that if people are not there exactly at the time, life happens, and you’re expected not to freak out. Most people (who are not my dad) roll with this fairly well. (If an event must be started at a specific time, like it’s a play at a theater or something, we all make adjustments accordingly, but it’s expected that things like meals or game nights are not going to be like that unless you specifically say (and aren’t my dad, who we ignore).
Note that ‘ish’ does not mean, “two hours late is okay”, since it’s not okay. And this is wholly different from “in case something BETTER comes up.” If you say that you’ll be there a 1-ish, you’re there by 1:30 at the latest, and that comes with an apology (or complaints about traffic). If you decide that you’d rather go do something else, like go off to some movie or to have your kidney stone removed, you’ll damned well call and tell people you’re not coming. Anything else is just rude.