I think of myself as “play it by ear” but maybe I have to reconsider.
The OP point about being held hostage is VERY IMPORTANT to me. Like Labor Day weekend, my friend invited me hiking, Saturday or Monday, whichever I could do. So I checked with Ms Napier, who said I couldn’t go because our daughter thought she might stop by at some point during the weekend. I txted the daughter, who said OK, she’d come over Saturday, and I was no longer hostage – but Ms Napier was miffed.
And sometimes there are more problematic consideration. A couple years ago we visited my sister in law for dinner between Christmas and New Year’s, and I had to drive home 90 minutes on the highway in the rain and the dark. The older I get the more difficult I find this. So, a couple weeks ago, we visited again but said we wanted to do lunch instead, explaining this was so we didn’t have to drive home in the dark (and fog as it turns out). Well, she finished serving “lunch” at 5:30. Maybe we will push for breakfast next time.
First, I find that if I have a plan I can get more things done in a shorter amount of time. If I’m going shopping, for example, and I plan out what things I want to get and where I want to get them, I can figure out which stores I should hit and in which order. If I don’t have a plan I would drive from store to store in whatever order they occurred to me and would wander around in the stores until I came across the things I was looking for. The result would usually be I would spend twice as long shopping, spend more time driving, and would probably forget to buy several of the things I had wanted.
Second, I feel making a plan can be a courtesy to others. If somebody wants my help with something and I say “Okay, I’ll stop by your house this week and we can work on that” I’m basically making them set aside their entire week so they can be there when it’s convenient for me to show up. But if I tell them “Okay, I’ll be there Tuesday at four” they know when they have to be home and the rest of their week is free.
I’m a bit confused why your wife would be bothered by that text to your daughter. You still sound pretty laid-back to me. I’ll admit I can be a bit like your daughter with my parents, and I appreciate their flexibility and would be willing to plan things out more as needed. But sometimes that would mean seeing them a little less. They live about an hour south of me, and some of my favorite dive sites are near them, or even further south, so it’s convenient for me to stop by and visit on my way back. But there are so many factors that affect when I might get there (many of them beyond my control or ability to predict) that it can be a bit stressful to try to set and adhere to a specific time. If they have plans with other people that day, we usually skip the get-together. But if their plans are just the usual going for a run, mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, etc., it works for all of us for them to know in advance only that I’ll be over sometime in the afternoon, and I’ll text them with an ETA when I’m at least 30 minutes out. If one of them is still doing yard work or in the shower or whatever when I arrive, no problem; I can let myself in, grab a beer, and get comfortable. During the first year of the pandemic, we would hang out in the backyard 20 feet apart, and we got to see each other pretty much every week at a time when their friends didn’t get to see their kids at all.
Well, that’s it! My wife was bothered because she really wants to see our daughter, and if I try to pin things down, we might see her less. I’m sure the way to optimize how often we see her would be to hang around the house all the time just in case she happens to feel like dropping in.
Unlike you, she lives very near by, about a mile and a half. She drives by our house on her way to work. We usually see her 2 or 3 times a week, and our grandson nearly as much (though he’s driving now so probably will have more independent options). There are many chances. Still, we do gradually see less and less of her. I really love her visiting, and love it when we do things together (more so in the Before Times of course).
But I also love my friends and being able to plan things with them is important!
To me, I’m easy going. Some things require planning since they are important, or it is expected. Some things require some planning and unplanned time or decisions. Some things are better off with minimum planning.
If you invited me for dinner, I would definitely bring something, would prefer getting the time all at once (without further confirmation), would be fairly flexible as to time preference, would try to figure out if the time means when you want me to go or (half an hour or an hour) later. Never show up early for dinner unless a very good friend.
I would want to know the time and I would be there at that time. I don’t know how you can play it by ear for something like dinner. I would be very irritated if I invited someone to dinner and they played it by ear.
It’s depends on the definition of “playing by ear,” but almost none of the dinner parties I’ve been to in my group of family or friends starts exactly at the time given. There’s usually a buffer of about an hour or so between when people arrive and when (the main) food is served.
Sure, it’s common to tell people to arrive at six and plan to serve dinner at seven. But I think playing it by ear in the sense of the OP would if I invited you on Sunday to come for dinner next Saturday with the time “to be determined” .
That would be more difficult, for sure, and a little bit irritating, but I’m pretty sure I’ve made plans like this (with the person hosting dinner giving a TBD.) My assumption would be somewhere from 4-7 p.m. for dinner. My schedule is not usually that tight that it matters, so I’m happy to keep it pretty fluid. If it’s a day I have other things going on or potentially going on, that information will be imparted.
Yeah, that’s it. We prefer your first sentence - and then for that to be accepted as the time - with maybe 1/2-1 hour charge either way - unless something REALLY SIGNIFICANT and UNFORESEEN came up.
Some folk will give a call Sat morning and say, “Can we make it lunch instead? I’d like to go to a movie this eve.” Or call at the last minute and say, “I’ll get there at 8. I’ve been busy running errands all day.”