I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking first. Just don’t sound all bleaty and whiny. That’s wussy. But asking? No, that’s not necessarily bad at all.
Just think of it—Mel Gibson (or Jude Law, or whoever) leaning in close and in an urgent husky voice telling Meg Ryan (or whoever), “I really want to kiss you right now.” I mean, what girl is going to find that wussy? No one!
It all depends on how it is asked. Of course, it helps if you’re Mel Gibson (or Jude Law, or whoever). But no! Really! Asking can be OK!
I like being asked. I find it charming. There are certainly times when a whoosh-and-swoop kiss can be…exciting…but you always run a risk if the signals aren’t loud and clear.
When a guy asks if he can kiss me, my answer is automatically “No.” I just hate that question; if we aren’t tuned in enough by the end of a date for him to figure it out himself, there’s no connection at all.
FTR, I’ve been asked, oh, maybe half a dozen times in 17 years of dating off-and-on. Always said no.
But I understand why guys can be a bit confused, considering the dating climate and the way some girls (and guys, too, to be fair) tend to play weird games. I’m a pretty straight-forward person, and I believe it would be obvious to my date whether I’m receptive to a kiss. To be practical, the guy should go in slowly for the kiss, giving the girl a chance to turn it into a hug or a peck on the cheek, should she so desire. Or, I suppose, if the situation warrants, to shove him away completely and slam the door in his face. But let’s hope it doesn’t have to come to that… :eek:
Being asked can be nice, but it really depends on context. I still occasionally think about a kiss that I got at a college party; it was near Christmas and I was moving around the house it was held in. A good-looking guy stopped me, pointed up - I had unknowingly meandered under some mistletoe strung up on the high ceiling - and said “I’m going to have to kiss you, you realize.” I looked up, looked at him, smiled and said “Sure!” We smooched, then went on about what we’d been doing before that point. Probably the funniest kiss I’ve had.
If your faces are a few inches to a foot apart without another really obvious reason (overcrowded party, for instance) for it, then that’s a big sign.
I’ve had a couple guys say “I really want to kiss you right now” or “Would it sound weird if I said that sometimes I wanted to kiss you?” These, however, were from guys that I was close friends with and had been cuddling with for awhile. I think they just wanted to make sure it was ok before moving it up from the just-friends level. We weren’t on a date or anything.
I definately prefer when the guy just kisses me. I have to agree that sometimes you just know when the time is right. The guy who kissed me the other day, for example, did so after we were lying on his bed, cuddling for awhile. Also, generally by the time the guy actually ends up kissing me, I’m practically screaming “JUST KISS ME!” mentally; however, I have this thing about the first kiss that I have with a guy being initiated by him.
Thank you for at least acknowledging this. That’s really all I needed - just a simple acknowledgment that what is expected also happens to be impossible.
I have no problem with a guy asking. I once had a guy use the Annie Hall approach, and I loved it. (In Annie Hall, Woody Allen suggests that they get their goodnight kiss over with right away.)
>>I just hate that question; if we aren’t tuned in enough by the end of a date for him to figure it out himself, there’s no connection at all. <<
I can’t imagine a date where it wouldn’t be appropriate to have a goodnight kiss. I thought the question was about non-date situations. Or maybe it’s about kissing before the end of the evening?
If it’s a real date, then I think the guy can always assume a goodnight kiss is in order.
If it’s not the end of the evening yet, but you’re on a real date, the guy just has to be aware of whether or not things are going well – lots of talking, laughing, eye contact, and a degree physical closeness that’s a bit more than platonic. If those things are there, then he can probably pick any moment he wants.
If I didn’t like the guy at all, I wouldn’t want to kiss him goodnight. If it wasn’t actual loathing, I’d probably try to shift it into a cheek kiss. If we got along at least reasonably well and I was pleased with the night, a quick smooch (closed lips) would be fine. (If she’s ducked inside her place and has the door blocking access to her partially, that means no kiss. If she’s standing there with the door open, lingering and seeming like she’s in no hurry to close the door, that’s a good sign.)
This is pretty much exactly what I said to a woman about 4 years ago. We had been friends for a while and I thought that we were getting closer, so my line was, “I’m going to kiss you now if that is okay?”
I think asking works best in this sort of situation because it helps eliminate confusion.
For the record, we will be married in April, so it definitely worked for me.
Jeepers Creepers! It’s really not hard. It’s not really a matter of being psychic, which is impossible. It’s a matter of reading some straight forward body language, something quite possible and that people do all day, everyday.
I am of two minds about this question. The first scenario, when I really dig a guy, I’d like to think he’d know it and would just go for it. I don’t think I’m terrifically opaque or tricky to figure out. Would I be offended or turned off if he asked? No. I really wouldn’t. However, in a situation like this it would also be OK if he just did it.
OTOH, I was recently “asked out” by a friend towards whom I have zero attraction. BOY am I glad he asked before he just swooped in, b/c I don’t think either of us could have lived down my reaction to a random smooch attack. ::shiver::
So guys, if it were up to me, asking would be OK. Just try to ask in a sexy, cool way, not in a dorky, pleading, stalkerish way. You know, make me feel like I’m so irresistible that you’re barely able to contain yourself but you respect me so much that you don’t wish to presume. Easy enough, right? Right?
I think the women who want to kiss should tell the guy. Say so. But you’re too scared to do that (“chickenshit” as one poster admitted), so you make it seem like it’s the guy’s fault for not reading your mind.
This thread is full of trickery, vagueness, and naive ideas of romance. You want to be swept off your feet, but not if you have zero attraction to him. Some women give very mixed signals – these days a guy doesn’t know if he’s going to get a warm kiss in return or an accusation of sexual impropriety.
“If it’s a real date, then I think the guy can always assume a goodnight kiss is in order.” Oh really? Do all women agree with you? I’ll bet there are a lot of women who’d get outraged if the guy assumes anything of the sort.
Sigh. I wish it were simpler. Actually it is simple. Say what you want.
It’s easy. Really! If you’re having a good time (near the end of the date) and happen to be physically close, go for it. One of two things will happen:
She allows it and kisses you back. This is good. It doesn’t matter what kind of kiss, if there is lip contact this is good.
She doesn’t allow it (turns her head, makes it into a kiss on the cheek, backs away, etc.) This is bad, and means she isn’t quite enjoying herself as much as you thought. So now you’ve determined that she doesn’t dig you as much as you dig her, and you don’t have to waste any more time on a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.
But definitely wait until near the end of the date, so if she turns it down the rest of the date won’t be real awkward.
When to kiss: if you’re getting along well, any point in the date where you’re standing next to each other will do fine, once there’s a natural break in the conversation and you’re in a semi-private spot. Otherwise, at the end of the date is usually a good time.
How you go in for the kiss: look her in the eye for about a second, and then imperceptibly lean in. You’ll know immediately if she doesn’t want to be kissed, as she’ll either back away or give you the cheek. Barring that, proceed. Don’t lunge, just move slowly and naturally into the kiss.
If you do get rejected, don’t worry – you can wait until you get home to die of embarrassment. Popular post-rejection responses are “Um”, “Oh,” and “So I guess I’ll see you later, huh?”
Don’t ask. Very, very lame. The first guy to ever kiss me asked, and I just stood there, thinking, my first kiss and I actually had to grant him permission. I felt like I was giving him a building permit, or signing for a delivery or something. Asking permission ruins all spontinuity…and all it gains you [the asker] is the knowledge that she’s going to be okay with your lips touching hers for a second. From there, her reaction should speak for whether or not the kiss itself progresses from there. And if she was uncomfortable with kissing you? So what? It’s just as awkward as having her say, “uh…no.” And you still get to kiss her my way.
