Before each CHOGM (Commonwwealth Heads of Govt.) Meeting, the delegates are given information on the customs from the homelands of the other attendees. The issue of personal space is covered, and the differences in levels of personal space in different countries was explained, with the upshot being “STAND THE HELL BACK FROM THE AUSSIES AND CANADIANS!!” It’s probably a product of people being used to operating in geographically large countries with relatively small populations, so if the US were in the Commonwealth, it would probably have been mentioned too (although Americans seem to be more touchy-feely with close friends than Australians are. We don’t do group hugs, etc here).
It’s usually easy to get a rough idea of how long migrants from crowded places such as Hong Kong, India, and Vietnam have been living in Australia by the level of personal space they maintain. It increases fairly quickly (a year or so) to a level the same as those who were born here.
My personal pet peeve: The two-handed handshake. It’s insincerity plus.
Canadian from the wide-open prairies here - my personal space is quite large, and I’m not touchy-feely in any way at all. No one in my family or any of my friends are, either. I agree with TheLoadedDog - stay the hell back from Canadians, especially the Prairie folk. We’re as warm and friendly as the day is long, but don’t touch us or stand close to us. I can’t stand people behind me at all, either; not standing behind me, not hovering behind me, not even walking behind me. As for shaking hands, I don’t mind it, but I have to wash my hands afterwards. But don’t hug me; ever.
Crowds give me the wiggins; I can’t even look at pictures of Asian countries without shuddering at the overcrowded streets, etc. I worked with a guy who was also from the Prairies, and he told me how he spent a month in Europe, and he was getting totally claustrophobic for open spaces with no people in them by the time he got back here.
one time some kid… was talking about some thing or other… then all of a sudden points first to a girl, then to me… and yells “but at least I’m not like snuggleslut and cuddlewhore over there” for a second… I was like “HEY!”… then… really could not say anything in my defence… thats about acurate. (I don’t know how the girl called a cuddlewhore liked it… but thats another story) I feel much more comfortable sitting close enough to someone to be touching… this is probobly why… I have no male freinds… isn’t it…
I touch, but only when, as somebody above remarked, when I’ve read the person to be OK with it. If they’re not, fine, we leave 'em alone.
My best friend (I am a straight guy) and I have probably logged more time with our arms around each other than I have with any one girlfriend in the last 35 years. I don’t mean anything passionate - we just hang on each other.
When it’s new people, I do the read, and hug those who can appreciate it and leave alone those who appear to be afraid of it. One thing I do when I like someone is, while shaking their hand, lightly touch the back of their shakehand arm’s elbow with a finger from my other hand. It’s as good as a hug in the business world.
Oooooh boy. You’ve touched on something that honestly drives me insane. I hate having my face touched, but I’m in a situation where I need to have parts of my face waxed which means someone has to touch my face every couple of weeks. It drives me batshit. It’s a necessary evil, but it’s something that has to be done.
Of course, when I get my face waxed, my SO is tempted to stroke my face which usually makes me recoil or smack his hand away.
In terms of personal space otherwise–I’m good as long as you’re at least arm’s length from me, unless I know you pretty well. I’m not necessarily touchy-feely, but I’ll give friends a greeting hug.
But, I’ve had to develop a thick skin about people invading my personal space due to work–working in a small and busy kitchen means I often will be working shoulder-to-shoulder with the line cooks. It’s one of those things that I just deal with.
It depends, on the person, the mood I’m in, and probably other variables. I can be very touchy-feely, but some days I DON’T want to be touched. Especially by clingy kids, whom I love dearly and like to hug other days. This usually occurs when I’m stressed out and feel that my mental space has been jammed up by someone.
I’ve heard it said that we Canadians have an average personal space of one meter (yard) and I think this is true.
I can be very, very snuggly with my SO, and give hugs a lot to my friends. But if I have been snuggling with my guy a lot, and then go to see friends (or family), it feels very weird to touch them because the sexual overtones are still there.
I don’t kiss anyone except for little kids (on the top of the head or the cheek) or in romantic situations. I can’t stand being kissed on the mouth by anyone other than my guy; for some reason this is a solely sexual gesture to me, and it really grosses me out when, say, a grown man will do this to his mom or something. EWWW!!! But to them it is normal??
How interesting. I guy I worked with was an exchange student from Hong Kong. He caused a few raised eyebrows because he was very touchy-feely. He didn’t hug anyone, but he would rest his hand on your shoulders while talking to you. A friend of mine theorised the population density-personal space theory you describe, but I never considered it seriously until now. Interesting.
For myself, hugs and unsolicited touching don’t ruffle my feathers. I don’t at all mind people touching me, although I never initiate personal contact except with close friends. (I’m not very touchy-feely, but I don’t mind being touched-and-felt. :))
How do you people who dislike being touched deal with crowds? In some situations like being in a full elevator, using stairs, being at a concert, or at a pub it must be very difficult to avoid being touched. (In a lot of pubs/clubs I go to, it would be difficult to avoid being hip-and-chest with complete strangers.) Doesn’t bother me at all, but imagine it would be an ordeal for some of the people in this thread.
My desire to touch and/or be touched has absolutely no rhyme or reason.
Now, I almost never enjoy having strangers touch or hug me. At a couple of 'Fests I’ve tacklehugged folks, or been hugged, and that’s usually been fine, because it’s generally someone I’ve talked to a lot or made perfectly clear that a hug was expected when we eventually met in person.
However, except for those specific situations…stay the hell away from me. I don’t like random hugs. I don’t like being pulled into a big circle of “FEEL the LUUUUURVE!” I feel weird when someone flings a companionable arm around my shoulder.
I went to a sort of radio-station-sponsored block party a couple of weeks ago because Cake was playing. There were a lot of people - many drunk - crammed onto a three-block stretch of corded-off street. The band started to play. Some chick’s Bald Drunken Red-Shirted Boyfriend kept banging into me. I was there with two male friends. One of them wryly observed that we were all three of us there together, yet were standing farther apart from EACH OTHER than any of the strangers in the area were from us OR each other.
So I guess all three of us are neurotic.
If you are in my huggy circle (the mental one, not the physical one, which I’ve already established I’m not big on) I will love the shit out of hugging you. Sometimes I don’t know for sure how many hugs I want until I start getting them. Sometimes I think I want them and then I get one and it feels…“off” to me. What’s the etiquette on asking someone to please not give you any MORE hugs if you thought you wanted the first one?
During 'Fest-like circumstances I will stiffly tolerate hugs from people I don’t want to hug me, but I will not reciprocate and I will not enjoy them.
Somebody earlier on in the thread mentioned a “fight or flight” response to having one’s personal space encroached upon. For me, that sums it up pretty accurately -a person moving in that close is likely going to try to shove either a tongue or a fist down my throat. :eek: However, my “fight or flight” trigger seems to have a “common sense override” which is activated when I’m somewhere like a Hong Kong subway station, a crowded nightclub, or Sydney Harbour on New Year’s Eve. In those cases, the worst I feel is a minor frustration at the slowness of walking, etc -and that to me is a psychologically unrelated form of annoyance. There’s certainly no conscious effort involved in stifling the “fight or flight” response in those situations - it is supressed automatically.
I don’t get into full elevators unless there is absolutely no alternative. When I must, I concentrate on something silly like my shoe or someone’s hair or the elevator buttons.
I don’t go t crowded sporting events. The last UGA game I went to was the GA/TN game in '95. They oversold tickets, so by the time I realized I was sandwiched in and therefore freaking out/ wanting to leave, I had to physically reach above me, grab hold of a stranger, and pull myself up using his/her body weight. It was that crowded. I didn’t even tell my friends I was leaving. I just got the hell out and never went back.
I only go to concerts that are in an open air venue or are in small enough clubs that the sheer size of the mass of people won’t overwhelm me.
I don’t go to crowded pubs unless I am in the mood for that type of fun, and that doesn’t happen often. If I wind up there by mistake with a bunch of friends, I’ll dance in the crowd for a bit to make them happy, but then I’ll find a quiet corner and a drink and talk the night away with a friend or stranger.
I live in the South, so there’s plenty of room to support my phobia, but I do hate that I only went to one basketball game for my male students. They kept begging me to come, but the gym just gets SO crowded, to a point that strangers are practically sitting on top of me, shoulder to shoulder. I made it through the first half of one game, and then I was out of there. I do sort of feel bad about that. I tried to make up for it by going to a few practices and playing around with them on the court myself, but it wasn’t really the same.
I think there’s a difference between being crammed together with other people and being bumped and jostled vs. being touched, where somebody reaches out and deliberately puts their hands on you.
This might seem weird, but I’m much more uncomfortable with the former (within reasonable limits) than the latter. I suspect (based on posts in this thread) that most peope are the opposite.
I involuntarily flinch when people, even those I know and like, touch my hair. Apparently that it’s long, red, and wavy is appealing, because many adults show no more self-restraint about touching it without permission than the preschoolers do. I’m not a whole lot more comfortable with strangers casually touching other parts of my body, except perhaps my arm, either, though.
I don’t mind handshakes, but I’m not much of a hugger. I’ll hug family members and certain male friends, but I feel awkward when even one of my closest girl friends wants to hug me- but I don’t run away from them, of course. I don’t know for sure why there’s the gender bias, but I think it’s perhaps it’s because my male relatives had been more demonstrative than female ones growing up, so it feels more natural.
One thing I find interesting about personal space is that the violation of such is of a bigger or lesser deal depending on the size of the person. Having the 3-year-olds climb all over me doesn’t bother me at all-except when they throw themselves unexpectedly into my lap-but I’m bothered if the 5 & 6-year-olds do the same. I suppose that we expect people to have less of a sense of others’ comfort when they’re very small.