I haven’t done anything stupid or self-destructive in, like, three days, so I’m feeling antsy. So I was thinking of starting smoking, just for the cool factor. I’m not gonna go crazy about it: no more than 3 or 4 packs a day. But before I begin my march toward emphysema and esophageal cancer I thought I’d solicit opinions from youse guys. I figure some of you must hate me and would be happy to encourage my beginning a path of slow suicide.
Or, if for whatever odd reason you feel obliged to argue the sensible position, you can do that.
It will cost you a few years of your life but those are at the end when you are older, sicker and slower, so it does not matter. Might be a good thing. As a matter of fact ,much of the health money is spent on people at the ends of their lives. Therefore we should make smoking mandatory. We should have smoking classes starting in the 1st grade and continuing til everybody is well hooked.
Everybody is always yammering on about how hard it is to stop smoking, once you’ve got started. You’ve always been an inquisitive individual, and not one to take anyone’s word for anything.
Many of the best friends I’ve made have been people I met through smoking, or people I met through those I met through smoking. With smokers corralled off to AREAS OF SHAME UNCLEAN UNCLEAN RING A BELL AS YOU WALK TO THAT ASHTRAY, you’ve got a good excuse to talk to anyone else standing around smoking who looks interesting and/or attractive.
Ah yes, since smoking is now officially illegal in America, huddling outside on the patio for a smoke break is an excellent way to chat up an attractive stranger. Ask for a light, nestle under a shared heat lamp, damn draconian smoking bans together. It’ll be fun.
You can get more breaks at work. While those silly non-smokers will get written up for dodging out of the office a few times an hour, your employer will conveniently overlook the 20 or so minutes smokers will spend outside on the front stoop chatting it up.
Smoking prevents Alzheimer’s.* As a rational and logically minded person, you can surely see the benefit to guaranteeing you’ll have your wits about you until the end.
But really, only the juvenile start by smoking cigarettes. A connoisseur like yourself will want to research ad nauseum (pun intended) the various sizes, weights, flavors and mixes of cigar tobacco. Each one has it’s own connotations regarding your virility and social status, so choose carefully.
*By making sure you die young, before it hits.
Indeed it is a great excuse to get away from your desk…it helps clear your mind and relaxes you. And some of the friendliest people I ever met were fellow smokers. At parties and social gatherings, the most interesting and funniest conversations always take place amongst the smokers outside.
I miss it dearly. And if I make it to heaven, there had better be a smoking section.
Once you’re nice and addicted go on a long plane trip. Something with multiple stops but where you can’t get off the plane is ideal. Get mildly lost in the airport before you get to security where the line is moving so slow you’re afraid you will miss your flight. Once you get through security run to the gate and find out that your flight is actually late.
When at last you board the hot and stuffy airplane, you should spend a minimum of an hour just sitting on the tarmac for no discernible reason before the plane takes off. For maximum benefit sit next to somebody that holds political opinions that are not only opposed to yours but that you find downright offensive. They should talk nonstop for the entire flight and it’s even better if they used extra extra aftershave that morning in lieu of a badly needed shower. When you land there should be a problem finding your luggage that takes at least an hour to resolve and renting a car should also prove to be a completely unreasonable hassle.
When you finally step outside the airport that first desperate puff on a cigarette is going to be one of the best, most sublime moments you’ll have in your entire life.
puff puff beer. puff puff beer. ahhhh, soooooo gooood. Besides, someone has to carry on the tradition of smoking to make good music. What if “A singer in a smoky room. A smell of wine and cheap perfume” had been “A singer in a purified air room”? What about Slash? What if Slash was chewing on a piece of nicorette gum instead of a cigarette the first time you saw him? Is that the kind of world you want to live in?
What about these?
I’ve got a molotov cocktail with a match to go I smoke my cigarette with style.
Smokin in the boys room
Coffee black, cigarette, start my day like all the rest
Smoking cigarettes and watching captain kangaroo
I smoked my brain the night before on cigarettes and songs I was pickin
And since this is **Skald **asking, the other obvious upside is he’ll be able to flaunt the law at any given time, with very little physical exertion. And look cool in the process.
And the ladies will assume you’re rich if you can afford to smoke. Wear several cartons of cigarettes hanging from your clothing, you’ll be like a cigarette pimp!
Actually I always look cool. It’s some sort of curse. I tried to look uncool the other–bow tie, beanie, biker shorts, and Birkenstocks–but it didn’t work; everyone I asked said I looked like the coolest guy ever. Of course, I was carrying a chain saw at the time and covered in sheep blood, so they may have just been telling me what they thought I wanted to hear.
It looks fucking awesome. You can blow smoke rings and watch the smoke curl up from the end of your cigarette in beautiful, dancing patterns. It gives you a social defense, something you can use to end a conversation with non-smokers (“I’m going out for a cigarette, bye!”), and you’ll always have something in your hands to fiddle with.
Plus, everyone knows that self destruction is cool, and cutting yourself is too emo. Smoking is the way to go.
Any place I’ve worked that let smokers take extra little breaks let non-smokers take equivalent ones. Anyplace else, smokers were stuck squeezing their cigs in where they could–lunch and whatever paid breaks were officially allowed.
