I was just looking over Ben Stiller’s IMDb profile when I noticed something that made me do an industrial-strength double take. At the top of his filmography listing, with the word Announced in red text:
As Jimi Hendrix said: 'scuse me while I piss myself.
The Persuaders! A British series about two hilariously over-the-top international playboys, Danny Wilde and Brett Sinclair - played by Tony Curtis and Roger Moore, respectively - who trot the globe while fighting miscreants and chasing taille. Boasting impressive cinematography and beautiful locations, the show relied on the considerable chemistry between Moore and Curtis, and the proverbial “odd-couple” relationship between their British and American characters (not yet a cliche in 1971.) It also featured a very exotic and striking theme song by John Barry, heavy on the Moog synthesizer and the zither. While it didn’t last beyond the first season, The Persuaders! was by all accounts a great little show, and the women all had great little asses, and there were a lot of great little European sportscars.
Fast forward to 2007. Ben Stiller and his boy Wilson have already ruined one classic 70’s buddy-cop show. Stiller did a commendable job capturing Starsky’s body language. Unfortunately, he did a piss-poor job capturing Starsky’s cocky personality, which was a highlight of the original show. Wilson, likewise, did an absolutely abominable job of channeling Hutch, portraying him as a goofy slacker/surferboy and a ladykiller. In fact, the remake completely reversed the characters of Starsky and Hutch. David Soul’s Hutch was a straight-laced California golden boy but something of a stiff neck - whereas Paul Glaser’s Starsky was cocky, playful, and charming. Stiller’s Starsky is a simpering windbag who uses phony kinetics and lacks confidence, and Owen Wilson’s Hutch is basically Owen Wilson. I was utterly aghast at how unfaithful the remake was to the original show. Sickened, in fact.
Owing to this, I have absolutely no doubt that the Persuaders remake is going to be the same way. Worse, even. For one, Ben Stiller stepping into a Tony Curtis role is like putting a saddle on a wild ass. Take a memo, Ben Stiller - just because you’re short and Jewish doesn’t mean you can just play any short, Jewish character. Tony Curtis’s Danny Wilde is acres above anything that Stiller could belch out. Curtis is widely thought to have been one of the most handsome stars of his era, and has a look of dark intensity that few even today can match. Ben Stiller has the looks of a simian in comparison.
Likewise, and even more puzzlingly, Steve Coogan is taking on the role of Brett Sinclair. This is completely baffling to me. I cannot think of a single person on earth who looks less like Roger Moore than Steve Coogan. Coogan looks for all the world like a Brythonic warrior, and if Rosemary Sutcliffe’s excellent novels about Roman Britain were ever put to the big screen, I could not think of a better man than Coogan to appear in them. But Roger Moore he is not. The latter’s fair countenance screams, “Aristocrat! Aristocrat! Aristocrat!” And who is Lord Brett Sinclair, if not the consumnate British aristocrat. His whole character is centered around the intense vibes of elitism that Moore exudes by second nature. Without a comparable actor, the character will be a complete failure.
It gives me chills to imagine the kind of raunchy, forced humor that this remake is going to try to use in an attempt to distract us from the abominable casting choices. Suffice it to say, expect plenty of the typical overblown sarcasm and self-deprecating jabbering that Stiller has become famous for. And watch for a cameo by the original Persuaders, Curtis and Moore - maybe they can appear at the end of the movie, as they did in Starsky and Hutch, and make a glib remark. And, naturally, Will Ferrell will have to be involved.
Nothing short of an advance copy of S.T.A.L.K.E.R. could persuade me to watch this movie.
