Pet owner's boyfriend asks her to give away dog before moving in with him and his kid. Should she?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Obviously a hypothetical. Here’s the sitch:

Susan is in her mid-40s and has been divorced ten years. She has no children, though not entirely by choice; she and her ex broke up because he refused to become a father, and most of the men she met in the interim were not good father candidates. She’s channeled her maternal instincts into spoiling her nieces and nephews and caring for her dogs. The latest (and, currently, only) of these is Pearl, a 3-year-old Rottweiler she raised from from birth. Unlike some some dog owners, Susan never refers to Pearl as her baby, but that’s mostly because she’s embarrassed to be heard doing so. Insofar as a dog can be said to love, Pearl loves her in return. Pearl has only ever threatened one human being: mugger who was threatending Susan with a knife. She was so intimdating that her growl was enough to make him piss himself; her bark made him flee.

For about a year now, Susan has been dating Edmund. He’s about her age, widowed, and the father of a six-year-old girl, April. Things are going swimmingly in the relationship. Susan & Edmund love the same authors, hate the same movies, and have regular, passionate, occasionally bedframe-breaking sex. Moreover, Susan is fond of little April as well.

But, of course, there’s a problem. April is terrified of dogs. And with good reason: when she was four, she was attacked and mauled by a neighbor’s dog. While the physical scars have healed, the psychic ones have not. The sound of a dog’s bark is enough to paralyze; she’s been known to wet herself in a dog’s proximity. Edmund has had her in therapy for a while, but thus far to no avail. For obvious reasons April has never been to Susan’s house.

On their latest night together, Edmund was a bit more somber than usual. When Susan asked him why, he asked her if she would ever consider marrying him. Grinning, she replied that nothing could make her happier. “Are you nuts?” she replies. “I’m in love with you. You don’t even have to get down on one knee–”

“Wait,” Edmund says. “Don’t say yes yet. I haven’t asked yet. Because there’s something you’re not taking into account–something I should have taken into account before I let things get so serious between us. I can’t possibly bring April into a household with any dog in it–certainly not a Rottweiler. I want to marry you, but I have to ask – could you give up Pear?”

Susan asks for time to think about this, and Edmund agrees. She checks with her relatives and friends who live in the same city, but none of them are willing to take Pearl in, because of concerns of space, distaste for dogs, and so forth.

Assuming that you are Susan’s friend and she asks your advice, what would you counsel her to do? Why?

2

I don’t take the responsibility of having pets lightly- in adopting my dog, I made a commitment to care for her as well as I can for her little life. If I didn’t think I could care for her, I wouldn’t have gotten her. Needless to say, I’d feel like a bit of a douche dumping my dog.

But I mean, I’d be put off that my boyfriend/fiance went right to the nuclear option. Why don’t we try therapy for the little girl AND the dog (get the dog even more training, perhaps “Canine Good Citizen” certification)? After all, it’s not healthy for the little girl to have an overwhelming fear of animals, so maybe we could use this as an opportunity to work through that with an animal we know to be good.

3

Sic Pearl on Edmund. He’s a cad and a bounder, and deserves to be chewed into shreds for what he is asking Susan to do. Besides, the kid sounds too high-maintainence.

4

Fuck him. She should give away Edmund.

5

I like Diosa’s idea.

Your title is kind of misleading. All he did was say “I want to marry you but this whole dog thing isn’t going to work.” She doesn’t have to move in with him. They could always wait until the dog dies too. But therapy for the little girl with the phobia is probably the first move they should make.

6

Therapy for the little girl would be nice.

But if that doesn’t work then clearly euthanizing the dog is the next option. It’s just a dog.

(Hey, I have a dog and love it. But humans come first.)

7

Live separately. I don’t think Edmund is a jerk in any way - how could he be? He’s worrying about his poor daughter, that was mauled by a dog! But really, it just doesn’t seem right to get married at this point, if she cares that much about a dog.

That is what I would advise her to do. Myself? I will probably get yelled at for this, but if I was in this relationhsip, I’d probably give up the dog in hopes of making a difference in a little girl’s life.

8

Diosa and dangermom, April’s ALREADY been in therapy for a while, remember?

Also, thread titles can only be so long. Plus I make these things up on the fly. All I knew about this one going in was the names of the characters.

ETA: dangermom, isn’t a proposal an implicit suggestion that two households be merged into one?

9

She keeps the dog (She took on the responsibility before the relationship), the kid goes to even more therapy, and arrangements are made to separate the two when they are both at home.

They are getting married. Once you even hint at marriage, the man’s opinions no longer matter. :smiley:
On a serious note- What a cruel situation to put the woman in. I would never have made my Wife make such a decision.

I have terrible allergies, plus a ferret. My wife has a German Shepherd, and a cat. I now live with a dog, a cat, and a ferret. if I am home for more than 2 days in a row, I get sick, but I love my Wife, and would do anything for her. These are the choices I made. I thought about them long before I ever proposed, or dated her for an extended time. I would assume everyone does during the pair-bonding portion of the relationship.

In fact, now that I think about it, the situation you describe would be highly implausible- The father would have thought about the dog and his daughter when he first saw it, and secondly the little girl would certainly have met potential step-mother by this point, and potential step-mother would have thought about the situation with the dog as well. They would have already discussed this in great detail before the thought of marriage came up.

10

While I believe that people can be scared of things, I have seen 6 year olds in action. They are highly adaptable.

If she truly loves this guy and he loves her, they should both make a significant effort to have the child get past her fear of this dog (not all dogs per se).

I would personally agree to marry him in one year with the understanding that we would try to integrate the dog into the child’s life before that time. If it were truly an impossible task, I would give up the dog.

11

What you said. And he needs to change therapists - exposure therapy has a great success rate at eliminating phobias. Get her to look at cute doggy cartoons, stuffed animals that are dogs, cute puppy photos, and work up to looking at real dogs from a distance, then closer, etc.

I think the real “making a difference in a little girl’s life” would be getting her past this phobia. Dogs are everywhere - at the playground, the beach, friends’ houses, etc.

12

I say give April a 12-gauge and let her blow away Pearl like Ol’ Yeller. It could be a part of her therapy.

13

Put the dog in obedience school, put the kids in counseling and move the boyfriend to the couch.
Then tell him that boyfriends are much easier to find, and much less loyal than good dogs and that he’ll get off the couch when he kisses the dogs ass and the dog smiles.

14

I picked the third option because hey, free cookie.

Adopting a dog is a huge emotional investment for me. My dogs are my kids. I’ve thought about taking a job outside the US, but I won’t do it 'til my dogs are gone- I’d never be able to forgive myself for abandoning them, even if I left them with someone I trust.

Dogs are everywhere. April needs to learn that they’re not all out to kill her. I suggest electroshock therapy, or maybe a dog suit. :slight_smile:

15

Smart people do stupid things sometimes. It could well be that Edmund has thought of their relationship as essentially limited all this time because of the dog issue, but has just come to the realization that he wants more than that. Likewise, Susan may have entered the relationship thinking the same thing, only to find her feelings changing over time.

Also, while I can see tolerating my own allergies to a pet for love of my wife, I cannot see tolerating my child’s suffering for love of a woman.

Why would Edmund be on the couch, as he doesn’t live with Susan in the first place? For that matter, why would Pearl need obedience school, as there’s no evidence that she’s ill-trained?

Also:given that Susan is mid-40s, has been dating for a decade, and not found anyone who met her criteria for a mate, that would indicate that she’s not found good boyfriends easy to find. Contrariwise, since she’s had mutliple dogs and presumably liked them, the same has not been true of canines.

The thing is, April’s dog phobia is not sourceless. She’s undergone an actual, identifiable, huge trauma. Possibly two: clearly her mom is dead, but it’s not said in the OP whether she remembers her, and it’s conceivable that she doesn’t. Nonetheless, I cannot see why Edmund’s responsibility to his actual, human child should be equated to Susan’s responsibility to her pet.

Admittedly I don’t know from dogs. How likely is it that, given six months in a loving home of someone else, that Pearl would forget Susan?

16

Dogs are pets, not people. I have loved the cats I’ve had, but I would (and have) picked the people in my life over the pets.

All this is assuming that she really does love him, and isn’t just “settling” because she’s afraid she will never find another person.

17

I’ve fostered a lot of dogs, I have a great love for the species and do take my responsibilities towards the ones I have quite seriously. But having fostered and adopted out so many, I know how adaptable they are. Generally, when a new dog comes into my home, or goes to it’s new home from mine, they’re acting like everything is perfectly fine anytime from immediately to a few days later. It is not the end of the world to re-home a dog, and I think people over-estimate the amount of psychological damage this causes them.

April does need to get over this phobia because it’s not a good one to have. The OP says they’re working on it, and it seems likely this would be doable. But, if for whatever reason she just cannot handle being around a large dog, I’d find it another good home and move on, possibly getting a shit-tzu or something less threatening once the daughter felt ready for it. People are more important, and the dog will be fine.

18

Third option. It’s time for April to get over it. Unlike a lot of posters, I have no time for phobias of everyday things. Those types of fears are things to be overcome and fear of dogs is a common and easily overcome one. We had a friend whose three year old was terrified of dogs due to a biting incident. (He was bitten on the cheek by a neighbors dog) On his first visit to our home he was terrified. On the second one I told his mother to sit him on the counter where he was above the animals. I gave him the cookie jar and let him feed the dogs who were now VERY attentive and VERY well behaved. On the third visit he sat on the floor and petted and hugged them. That’s it, fear gone. He likes dogs just fine now as long as he’s introduced to them and they don’t surprise him.

April is a bit older, but will adapt just fine. Tell whatshis face to stop babying her and deal.

19

Many years ago, I had to give my six-year-old dog to my aunt and uncle because I was living alone in an apartment which didn’t allow dogs. This dog (Cindy) was very… well, I don’t want to say unfriendly, but she didn’t take to strangers well at all (she’d actually snapped at people a few times) and was very territorial.*

A year later, I went to their house for a family get-together, and got there early. I let myself into the back yard to say “hi” to her. She saw me and started barking and growling… until she heard my voice. It was like a lightswitch being flipped- she immediately ran over to me and tried to climb up into my arms. She spent the entire evening glued to my side.

So there’s at least one anecdote which can show that dogs do remember people. She may have been the exception… but I kind of doubt it.
*I’ve since learned how to train dogs to be good citizens (so to speak)- my three current dogs are *very *well trained and polite.

20

I love my dogs. They sleep in my bed, bend me to their will when it comes to playtime and feeding and just generally are spoiled and adored.

That said I would find a local loving home for Pearl. April is already in therapy and there is a real source of her terror. Even if she starts becoming comfortable with dogs it’s a big leap from terror to living with a rottweiler. Even if he’s the gentlest lamb of a dog in the world he’s large and threatening looking. Ed isn’t making unreasonable demands, he’s trying to find a possible solution to an impossible situation. Pearl is only 3, she could conceivably live for another 10 years and that’s a long time for babysitters and booty calls.

I would recommend that Susan contact a local rescue organization and work with them to find a good loving home for Pearl.