You said he wasn’t proposing exactly because of this issue. There’s no requirement that they get married or move in together. If she can’t give up her dog, she shouldn’t move in with him.
In my opinion, animals come after people, so I’d get rid of the dog if 10 years of therapy didn’t work. But I’m not a dog person.
In these cases, it’s a no-brainer to me. My daughter is allergic to cats, so we don’t have any. And I think that most people, when their beloved dog or cat turns out to be hostile to the new baby, realize that the baby trumps the animal every time. It’s sad sometimes, but I’ve never seen anyone fail to get rid of the hostile animal IRL.
Assuming the 6 y/o just needs to “get over it” is far more cruel than adopting off a dog. Sure she may need a different therapuetic approch but at the same time we have no idea what the circumstances of the attack were. If this were a 16 y/o girl I would be less understanding but at 6 we are still talking tooth fairy and santa claus here and a young adult rotweiler in the house might is plunking down the thing she fears most in the one place she should be able to feel safe.
If you wanna go for exposure therapy, get her a brand new puppy, something as small, cute and harmless as possible. maybe this is an option that would allow her to trust a dog, and eventually Susans dog. As presented in the OP however discarding a dog is an option, discarding a child is not. My twin sons and I are all allergic to cats, I would probably never pursue a relationship with someone who has cats because I would always be uncomfortable in that environment with the cat, and placing my sons in the same situation would not happen.
If I were Susan, I would make it a joint task with Edmund to find Pearl a new good home.
Then, after the two of us have been married, I, as the little girl’s mother, would make it my duty to help her with her fear of dogs. We would go to the animal shelter and play with the little puppies. We would visit friends’ homes who have small, friendly doggies. After a while, we would “borrow” a friend’s dog and take it for short walks and play fetch with it. If we’re making progress, Edmund and I might reconsider whether the professional therapy is working or still needed.
Then, eventually, with the child’s consent, we would get a dog and it could “belong” to the little girl. If she says no and still acts afraid around dogs, then she shall continue therapy–but with a new person. Because obviously something is not right.
Because eventually, the family is getting a dog, whether the kid wants one or not. Pearl was given up for the benefit of Edmund, but I shouldn’t have to give up my love for dogs indefinitely. That’s not fair.
I’d vote for maintaining separate households until April is over her dog phobia. Once you make a commitment to a pet, you’re a package deal. We once had the opportunity to live overseas for 2 years. If my parents hadn’t been willing to cat-sit for that long, I would have declined the opportunity, even though the cat we had at that time drove me absolutely insane.
My Druidess comes with two dogs. Asking her to give them up never entered my mind. Doesn’t really seem like a fair question. I’m not exactly thrilled with the prospect of dealing with the dogs, but it’s a package deal. I’m ok with it. And they’re good dogs. I figure they are probably the best home defense system we could have–their mere presence is likely enough to deter most burglars, and their teeth will buy me time to deal with anything determined enough to try to come through the dogs.
For the hypo in the OP, it seems like the dude handled the situation in spectacularly clumsy fashion. You don’t dangle a marriage proposal and then attach a “Sophie’s Choice” (ok, minor hyperbole) condition to it that way. I’d suggest they continue dating, and continue therapy for the child. She’s only 6 now. Maybe when she’s a little older, a dog/child accomodation could be worked out.
Two thoughts,
a) The poor little girl was mauled, not nibbled or nipped
b) I love Rottis, they are fantastic pets and fiercely loyal. HOWEVER, they’re not exactly the least initimidating dog around, and if you think this exposure theory works (which I agree with) a Rotti is not the dog to do it - you are thinking more here of a cute, small cuddly dog.
I say to find a good (maybe temporary) home for the dog - and if a kennel is nearby (and affordable) this might be a good option.
“People are more important than dogs” is a pretty simplistic answer. Having a dog or pet is part and parcel of who some people are. So asking that person to give up that part of their life is asking them to give up part of being who they are. A person who accepts all of them wouldn’t ask that.
That said, if this is a true soul-mate match, there are a ton of things that can be done in this case. And two people who truly love each other should be motivated to do those things. If there were some bizarre reason that April was completely incapable (unlike many other children in similar circumstances) of overcoming her phobia, then surely the two have enough brains to institute good engineering controls in their home to ensure that the child and dog don’t have to ever meet? And if the girl is six, that means that she’s got only another 12 years before she leaves for college or to make her way in the world. The dog is what, 8? If that’s true, it’s only got another 3-5 years anyway. My sister used to have rotties and from what I remember, they only live to around the early teens.
Perhaps Edmund could expand her therapy to include finding an adorable fluffy TINY toy-like dog to start off with or at least a friend that has one fitting that description. There’s no reason it has to be an either/or situation.
And if it does for some reason? Then I refer back to my first statement, and what other dopers have said. I took on the responsibility of a pet BEFORE I met the man, requiring I change that isn’t right on his part. Sometimes love isn’t enough.
Because when it comes to your children, that is an easy decision. Last I heard most people as well as our court system tend to agree with the sentiment.
Many folks here seem to phrase things like the guy isn’t a package too a package which includes a child whos needs are being dismissed very casually. I would think the woman is a dumbass if she married him knowing he was planning on moving her dog in despite the fact it would probably drive his daughter into some kind of mental meltdown. The kids HAVE TO come first. The simple fact that the dog came first is silly, some kind of psychological triage has to come into play here. This isn’t just a matter of taking turns with a toy.
Violent assaults are hard on anyone, a little kid who got ripped up by a dog has been faced with a pretty fundamental failure of the universe from a kids point of view. Dog, which is normally our friend, attacked me, hurt me bad before anyone could intervene. For comparison, if a woman was raped by a police officer would it seem all that outlandish that she had a serious aversion to police officers for at least a few years? Would it seem all that shocking if she didnt want to be alone with a police officer for a very long time?
This is a 6 year old, she cant run, cant just choose to move away, cant hide, and there is an avatar of the creature, who she associates with agony and sheer terror, in her home. For a board normally so accepting of mental illness, I am shocked by the callousness many posters here are displaying. Just because it is an acute manifestation does not make it any less real.
They shouldn’t get married. Period. Ever. And the dog is only a red herring, frankly.
The real problem is that Susan is apparently not important enough to Edmund for him to put some time and effort into finding a way for her to keep something important to her. He didn’t even suggest they talk about whether there might be some workable solution that would give them both what they want/need–he just went straight to “you make this sacrifice while I do nothing.” That’s not an equal and loving relationship, and marrying someone like that is a recipe for disaster.
The option you didn’t mention. It’s not unheard of for married people to have separate residences. In fact, it’s optimal!
If it was me, I wouldn’t give my my dog, particularly a dog that had saved my life. And the guy would have to be perfect. A guy who would ask me to give up my dog would not be perfect.