phrases that make you think the speaker is full of crap

Somehow, this thread morphed from indications of crapulence into a recitation of people’s rhetorical pet peeves.

The number one phrase that makes me think the speaker is full of crap is, “Gee, dude, your subwoofer smells like a litterbox.”

Based on the recent mayoralty race, I nominate:

  1. “I will clean up the corruption/kick the lobbyists out of City Hall/stop the patronage and porkbarreling.” Look, EVERY candidate says this. Every single one. The super-corrupt say it, and the not-so-corrupt say it. It makes no difference if you say it, you’re just as likely to be lying as not. It means “I will do nothing” because nobody ever says HOW they’re going to change things. And do you expect anyone to be honest that they won’t? Nobody says “If elected Mayor, I am going to hire all my friends and cousins to cushy city jobs, even the ones in prison, and I am going to personally rob the taxpayer blind and use city fire engines to take me to my cottage.”

  2. “I will strike a committee/study group/focus group/commission to address that issue.” This, too, means “I will do nothing.”

  3. “I embrace/encourage/support multiculturalism/the gay community/the poor.” Don’t tell me you “encourage” multicultural Toronto or “embrace” the poor. Tell me what you’re going to DO to help the poor, help new immigrants, or fight discrimination. “Embrace/encourage” also means “I will do nothing.”

  4. I will work with a state/provincial government/federal government/regional government/neighboring city to solve problem X." This too means “I will do nothing” except it will later expand to mean “I will do nothing, and it is the fault of the other government.”

“I will eliminate Waste and Fraud”
Right. That’s Line Item 32G in most government budgets. Draw a line through it, you can balance the budget.

No, THEY mean “intents and purposes” but they SAY “intensive purposes” because they’re morons.

It fits with the “wah-lah” and “pursay” don’tcha know.

wow… I was actually thinking about this same thing this morning…

“Anger management”

“He/She/Someone has issues”

“Dude, you should have been there… we (smoked/drank) (quantity) of (legal or illegal drug)”

“We need to do it for the children” - OK…all facts and logic point to me being full of shit, so I’ll play on your emotions.

“If it saves just one life…” - It’s expensive, inconvenient, and probably won’t work anyway.

“I’m glad you asked that question” - Music, maestro. Time to tapdance.

“It’ll look good on a college application.” Doesn’t even really need an explanation - the shallow is baked right in.

“Don’t complain if you
a) don’t vote, or
b) don’t have a better idea to offer”

…neither of which makes any logical sense.

“To better serve our customers, we have…” unilaterally done something most of our customers don’t want.

‘Let me put it this way …’

Actually, that doesn’ t really count, becuse by then I already think they’re full of shit, becuase I have been disagreeing with them for an hour …

“Well, basically…”

NO, NOT BASICALLY. I want the full details, that’s why I’m attending this 3 day conference idiot!

“Axis of Evil.”

“Liberal media.”

“Microsoft is an innovator.”

“America is a Christian nation.”

“The terrorists hate us for our freedoms.”

“My country, right or wrong.”

“You’re either with us or you’re against us.”

And my recent pet peeves, “Saddam gassed his own people” and “Saddam fed prisoners into giant shredders.” Just because the guy was a scumbag doesn’t mean we get to invent fake atrocities to blame on him…

Reminds me of a Hunter Thompson quote - “Saying you have an *obligation * to vote is like saying you have to buy a new car immediately, but you can only pick between a Ford and a Chevy.”

‘Guestimate’ - what the fuck does that mean? A guess and an estimate are pretty much the same thing in my book…stick with ‘estimate’ and you won’t sound like a total fuck knuckle.

‘I’m not racialist’ - (emphasis on the miss-pronounciation), you obviousley are…

‘At the end of the day’- when said in that grating, nasal, whiny estuary english/cockney twang that seems so popular ‘wiv da kidz’ these days it makes me want to start cracking skulls

‘Your call is of value to us, please hold the line and an advisor will answer shortley’ - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGH!

‘Is it all in?’ - I’ve never heard this myself but it must be mortifying…

Moral fiber.

Moral fabric.

It’s wrong because it’s against the law (sorry Annie). It should be against the law because it’s wrong, not the other way around.

Somebody was interred at the XYZ Funeral Home. Interment = “into the earth” = burial, which is done at the cemetery.

Related malaprop: they were interned at XYZ Funeral Home. It’s nonsense.

Phrases that make you think the speaker is full of crap:

Dude, I haven’t taken a dump in three weeks!

“Sign my petition. Help keep jobs in California.”

or

“Have you read the Watchtower?”