Does anyone else perceive that just about every time someone prefaces their remarks with “With all due respect,” what they are actually communicating is that they do not believe the recipient merits much if any respect? Generally I’ll encounter someone using those words when the entirety of their behavior up to that point demonstrates a clear lack of respect. In such cases, “With all due respect” essentially comes across as “Fuck you!”
Another blatherism I’d love to eliminate is “With no further ado.” How about just avoiding the ado of that phrase, and do what you intend to?
Anyone else have any meaningless phrases that tend to cork you?
I had to very strenuously advise my kids at one point that the words “No offense, but…” should never be uttered. Full stop.
Those words indicate that what follows is offensive, and are almost always used as a way to try to say something totally rude without the consequences, and failing in that attempt.
It is possible to use the phrase if the content isn’t really offensive, but you’re concerned it might be taken as something meant to offend.
Or put another way: No offense, but I’m not certain you’re right about how that phrase is used.
That sure sounds like a very practical way to use the phrase…but I would just avoid it. Just like certain proper synonyms for “cheap and miserly” that sound like the N word, best avoided.
I knew someone at a previous workplace who would preface very negative statements with, “No offense, but …” It’s a close cousin of “with all due respect”.
She’d say something like, “No offense, but you just don’t have the singing voice for that song.” Translation: “Your singing sucks.” LOL
I agree with getting rid of “no offense, but.” As you say, it’s a weaselly way to pretend you aren’t saying something offensive. While begbert2’s usage is an example of its proper usage truly meaning no offense, that’s not how it’s most often used.
And I’m a fan of “with all due respect.” It’s not a lie, because the unspoken sentiment is how much respect you think is actually due. Yes, it’s a polite way of saying “fuck you,” and that’s how it’s intended.
I guess I should quit using it. I usually use it when I have respect for the person, but they’re being an idiot on one particular thing. I don’t use it as a fuck you.
This is my natural style. It was ok when I was a lawyer, and later when I worked as a consultant to engineers and geologists. I speak directly. I’m not rude, I just don’t use weasel words to soften my message. Don’t see the point.
But then I decided for personal reasons (benefits, schedule, my health, family obligations) it was better to be underemployed in a large bureaucracy. Tried a large corporation and a large government institution. Quickly learned this communication style is seen as “insubordination.” I just signed my annual review. Despite having top marks in everything, my review states the following:
“In 2018 QN needs to work on flexing her communication style to her audience. Her communication style is very direct and can be perceived negatively. QN has been working on her communication and will needs to continue to make it a focus in 2018.”
This is code for, I have been told never to speak directly to anyone in the chain of command above me, and that I must always use weasel words like “with all due respect” before offering feedback (which I am required to do as part of my job) or I will be written up. In fact, I was written up in September for doing so. Everyone admits that I used no insults, no swear words, was clear and well-spoken, and that they think I had positive intent. But I am officially required to lick boots more.
Thin skins, fragile egos, fourth-rate minds. I now begin every sentence with “respectfully.”
“You gave a good effort out there. But I’m afraid you were off key for several long stretches, and you seemed to have difficulty hitting the high notes. I’d consider taking lessons and practicing more before performing in public. I liked your showmanship, though.”
It’s also important to consider context. If this is just friends doing Karaoke or something, no need to say anything at all. If this is someone applying to sing for your band, you can be a little blunter, though there’s still no need to be an asshole. If someone is genuinely seeking advice, the above should work. Adjust as necessary.
“With all due respect” means “I feel like I should say this but I’m afraid it will hurt your feelings or make me sound like a jackass, but it still needs to be said, so brace yourself and try not to get offended but take this as constructive criticism instead”. The former is much shorter than the latter. I say keep it. Plus, such phrases gives the speaker a chance to gather their thoughts.
‘No offense but’ is followed by derogatory statements almost 100% of the time. I think at this point it’s pretty much recognized on both sides of almost conversations as ‘get ready and listen, because now I’m going say something I believe you’ll find insulting’. And IME the person does intend to offend or not care if they do the great majority of the time.
‘With all due respect’ is sometimes used similarly but not always. It’s still sometimes used sincerely, which ‘no offense but’ rarely is, IMO.
But a ‘necessary’ phrase, no. OTOH who speaks or writes with the absolute fewest possible number of words? Many people IME say they see that as a virtue but don’t actually like to be spoken or written to that way.
On the few occasions I’ve used the phrase: “with all due respect”, I meant it to convey: “I like you, and normally you make sense, but in this situation, you’re being a dunce.”
Believe me - VERY FEW of the attorneys appearing before me intend anything like this!
Yeah - I’d estimate that a good quarter to a 3d of the lawyers I encounter are pretty much impersonating what they understand to be effective lawyering from watching various TV shows… So I should file “respect” with all of their “heretofores”, “instant,”
etc.
Another of my faves. “Anything else counselor?” “Not at this time.” WTF does that mean? This IS the time. We are both here, and I’m asking you directly. If the answer is No, say No. :smack:
I was wondering if there is some “reasonable person” standard, as to whether in a particular situation specific words should be EXPECTED to show disrespect/cause offense. Because if what I am going to say ought not normally be interpreted by a reasonable person as offense/disrespect, then am I not saying that I expect the recipient to react unreasonably?
No one else shares my dislike for “No further ado?” (Bonus points if written and spelt “adieu”!) Yeah, many times it is someone who is inexperienced as an emcee, just doing what they think an emcee should do. But they don’t realize that the very phrase IS the further ado they claim to be avoiding!
One that always sticks in my craw is “rare and unique,” as in the “that evening at the opera was a rare and unique experience.” If something is unique, it’s not rare; if it’s rare, it’s not unique.
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I try not to use the word “just” unless referring to an element of justice. Try it, it’s almost entirely unnecessary in any context outside of when talking about a form of justice like the phrase just deserts.
These being lawyers, they are probably making sure that they can bring matters up later and not have opposing counsel say that they’ve already agreed stipulated the issuer in question.
