Code phrases

“we need to talk” - when SO says this it really means I am going to criticize you

“good first attempt” = damn, that was incompetent

“that we can freely disagree about ideas like this is what’s great about this country” = there’s no f’ing way I’ll ever agree with an ignoramus like you. If we were in North Korea they’d blindfold you in front of an antiaircraft gun for saying shit like that. I guess even Kim gets things right now and then

“no those jeans don’t make you look fat” = the world’s denim supply has apparently just decreased by 15%, would this be a good time to buy stock in Levi Strauss?

Any other common code phrases?

“We need to go home to feed the cat” = “This party is boring, we’re going to go home and fuck”.

“I’m not a racist, but…” = “I’m about to make a racist comment but I think by prefacing it with this I’ll get away with it.”

“With great respect…” = “I’m about to say something that will offend you but by saying this first I’m hoping to avoid getting punched in the face. In fact, I’m saying this while restraining myself from punching you in the face.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way” = “Your complaint is laughable and I think you’re a moron but I feel the need to say something that sounds like an apology.”

“B, you know I love you, but…” right now you disgust me.

“I am going to stick my foot up yo ass” You’re annoying me but I love you in spite of yourself.

I had a department chair with a lot of code phrases. Took a bit to decipher them all. E.g., “What might have happened is …” means “I am about to lie to you.”

Yep.

‘Well, talk!’ = ‘As soon as you open your mouth, you’re going to get it!’

‘It’s not you. It’s me.’ = ‘It’s you.’

Jeff Foxworthy had one that I rather like:

“I need some space…” The rest of it is “… without you in it.”

When my wife says, “I know this will be the very best you can make it,” the unspoken rest of the sentence is, “which isn’t very good.”

‘Bless your heart’ = ‘Poor, simple, thing.’

If my very polite mother tells you that she found something “interesting” you know that you should avoid it like the plague.

I always felt this meant - “I fucked up, said something stupid, but I going to make it your fault anyway”.

I spent a lot of time in an organization where calling someone a “character builder” was an insult - it meant, “This person is very irritating or annoying, and is forcing me to show patience or longsuffering.”

Flowers, especially roses, on any non-traditional day (not birthday, for most) only have three interpretations:

  1. Pllllleeeeeeaaaaase?
  2. Mmm, thanks.
  3. Jerk tax.

“but” almost always means, ignore everything I said before the word “but” and what I’m now going to say will probably be the opposite of what I stated earlier.

This is very specific, but I had a coworker who used to sign out to “Hydraulics Shop” on the office status board. Every day. Fifteen minutes before quitting time. We all knew it was code for “I’m outta here!” He never got caught…

There are many instances where a “but” additive is necessary to provide the countering information, though. “Howard was taken to the hospital by ambulance, but died of his injuries before arrival.”

“Susie got the job she wanted, but found that it was far harder than she had expected.”

“No offense but…” I’m about to say something offensive and you’re not allowed to be offended by me.

“Interesting…” That’s stupid. (Mainly applies when said at work.)

So just a curious question though: If someone has to say something (factually true and necessary) that will be offensive or unpleasant, but it must be said, then how should it be prefaced if not with a “No offense, but” type of preface?

Can you think of an example when it is factually true and necessary to say something of that nature?

“Kevin, you’ve quit eight different jobs within the last year, all within the first few weeks of beginning that job. Each time you claimed that you quit because your bosses were mean, or too demanding, or unreasonable. No offense, but if every boss that you work for is unreasonable, maybe the problem lies with you, not them.”
*
“Mary, you earn $65,000 a year, but are racked with credit card debt. You claim that you are underpaid, but at the same time buy expensive designer clothing and take expensive vacations and cruise-ship voyages. Now you say you need a salary raise in order to make ends meet. No offense, but the problem isn’t your low salary, it’s your wasteful spending.”

Unless these people are speaking from a position of authority (In your case, we’ll say a perspective employer and an account consultant) I don’t think it’s “necessary” to say any of that unless asked directly for an opinion.

And if directly asked, you could preface it with: “I’m sorry, but I think the problem is with you.” or “I’m sorry, but I think the problem is with your discretionary spending.”