I still hear that a lot out here in Montana. In fact, my wife and I use it.
I had no idea this was old-fashioned. Still hear (and sometimes use) half-past, quarter-past, ten 'til, and so on.
There’s a fairly new (last couple of years) kids’ book about manners with this title.
My older brother uses “His breath could knock a buzzard off a shitwagon at thirty paces!”
“If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas!”
Just thought of another Dad-ism: whenever I cooked a meal he particularly liked, he would proclaim it ‘Jolly good’. He is the only one I ever heard use that particular phrase.
My mother uses “Hotter than billy blue blazes!” all the time. Also, some things are “harder than a brickbat”. I don’t know what a brickbat is, I always assumed it was a bat made of brick, which would make it very hard indeed, I guess.
My dad used to tell us, “Wish in one hand, shit in the other, and see which one fills up faster!”
It warmed the cockles of my heart.
Not sure where the cockles were supposed to be located.
The running joke on Fibber McGee and Molly involved someone opening the closet door and having a cavalcade of junk fall out on them.
“This gag appears to have begun with the March 5, 1940 show, “Cleaning the Closet.” Molly opens the closet looking for the dictionary, and is promptly buried in Fibber’s “stuff” (“arranged in there just the way I want it.” )”
A catchphrase from the show “T’aint funny, McGee” appears in one of the John McDonald Travis McGee novels, and I didn’t know until looking up the radio show just now where it came from.
The program must’ve been a repository of sheer hilarity.
The Hall Closet
I think that Dad used to tell Mom, “Stick with me and someday you’ll have cowchips as big as diamonds!” Mom thought that it was cute, which may be saying more about Mom’s generosity than Dad’s cuteness.
When you asked my grandfather for something “I reckon not” was the absolute end of the line for your request, and it was impossible to even conceive of further discussion on the topic. I’m still trying to figure out how “I reckon not” had so much conversation ending power.
When my dad was sick and I asked how he felt, he said “I feel like 10 pounds of shit shoved into a five pound sack.”
This one I’ve heard for years, when we would get a prolonged, heavy rain:
“It’s rainin’ harder’n a double cunted cow pissin’ on a flat rock!”
I still say the time like that, and I’m 27.
When we were leaving her house, my gandma would say. Don’t stick any beans up your nose.
I use it myself, mostly for the shock value. She would also call any of the grandkids Schnicklefritz.
This phrase made my brain hurt and made me laugh like an idiot at the same time. It would be a great superhero or band name.
It is the perfect brainscrambling phrase.
A literal brickbat is a piece of brick, which is thrown as a missile. A figurative brickbat is an insult ‘hurled’ at another.
I intend to add it to my repertoire of insults.
My Grandfather says all of the following:
“Slicker than a mole’s butt”
“Tender as a Mama-in-Law’s love.” — always referring to a tender steak or roast
“Good as snuff and not half as dusty.”
“He couldn’t stand up in a 10 acre field.” — about a clumsy person
“I’d bet you a dollar to a donut hole.”
“He couldn’t stick his finger up his butt with both hands.” — referring to a particularly inept person
And he always tells my son (age 6) that he was hatched on a flat rock.
It’s Rainin’ like a cow pissin’ on flat rock.
That’d knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
He’s tighter than the skin on bologna.
He’s tighter than bark on a tree.
Well Shit fire and save the matches!
In response to: “How ya doin’”
“If I were any better I’d need a twin!”
“I’m so happy I have to sit on my hands just to keep from clapping!”
He doesn’t know shit from Shinola
You couldn’t whip shit off a shirt tail. (said to someone who’s talking tough… like they’d be able to whip someone’s ass)
Watchin’ her bend over is like trying to fold a basketball. (said about a fat person bending over)
I’ll bet you dollars to donuts…
Does anyone remember “half past the monkey’s ass”?
No, but my grandpa, whenever a little grandkid asked him what time it might be, would usually answer “It’s half-past kissin’ time and time to kiss again!” and swing the kid up into the air and plant a big raspberry on his or her cheek. He also liked to sing the Kiddley-Divey song and to hum/sing/make noise like a trombone.
Grandma always said, “Wish in one hand, and piss in the other, and see which one gets full the fastest.”
I still say that, but have substituted spit for piss.