Shit fire and save matches…this thread again?
I hear they use that newfangled googling thing.
“Carnut, you know you are the apple of your father’s eye…” (gag me)
“I see a patch of blue, it’s going to clear up!” my optimistic grandmother would say on cloudy days.
“Let’s see who we can appease this month.” my other grandmother when she sat down to pay the bills.
“I’m always right. Even when I’m wrong, I’m right!” My grandfather, who had the family nickname of “Pope Robert” said to his wife at the end of an argument. She ignored him as per usual.
“Bushwaaa!” or “Horse Hockey!” instead of swearing came from great grandpa when he felt the need.
I heard a lot of “half passed” and “quarter passed” I still tend to say that because we have wind up old clocks rather than digits, and you get an impression of the time in one glance rather than read the numbers. We did however have a digital clock and taught our 3 year old there was no waking Mommy and Daddy except in an emergency if there were any 5s on the clock. 
When my grandmother yawned, she’d say, “Ho Hum Harry, too young to marry.” covering her mouth of course. She and grandpa also called “Memorial Day” “Decoration Day”. Of course it was that originally.
When we were driving and noticed a for sale sign on a house, Dad would say, “Oh look a house for sale, let’s go b(u)y it.” Then after we passed, he’d say, “We did.” That cracked us up when we were little though it got old (like us).
My mom would always remind us there were kids starving in China so we should clean our plates. She did not appreciate the suggestion that the food be sent to China. Possibly because Dr Spock was beginning to catch on she’d not mention spanking when out in public, though how her, “Do I need to take your pants down?” could have been misinterpreted, I don’t know.
I still say “a quarter after three” or “a quarter to six.” Strangely, I never say “half-past” anything.
My father: “Well, I’ll be damned.”
My mother: “Time’s a-wastin’.”
Oooh, zombie grandparent sayings. I swear, we get more newbies from random-ass google searches now.
We had all sorts of weird ones.
Heavens to biscuits. mild swear, from grandmother
Well, I declare. feigned or real fascination (if it was really amazing, it was I DO declare.)
colder than a witches titty* from my dad, and he’d always get swatted by my mom for talking dirty.*
shit fire * something awesome or interesting happened*
nervous as a six-tailed cat in a rocking-chair factory.
busier than a one-legged-man in a fanny-kicking contest.
six of one or a baker’s dozen doesn’t matter what happens (and yes, I know it doesn’t make sense)
“You will cry on my grave”.- Used by a native-Russian speaking great-grandmother who escaped a Ukranian mass relocation with her son during WW2.
I often quote my grandmother: “Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”
This was pre-digital, of course.
This really confused me in first grade when we were taught to read clocks. My dyslexia didn’t help either. Somehow, I thought I had learned that you when you express “a quarter to seven” numerically, you wrote it as 15:7.
I still say “a quarter to” and “a quarter past” without mentioning the hour when I am with family.
When my father didn’t want to answer a question:
Me: what’s that for?
Him: Cat fur to make kitten britches, want a pair of doggy boots?
Me: Why is it called that?
Him: They hadda call it something so they called it Hadacol (an actual product so I think he got this from the radio or something)
Yeah, he was full of it, I mean them.
Built like a brick outhouse
Cat got your tongue?
I’ll knock your heads together (he actually did once)
Just hold on to your little pink panties (i.e. be patient)
And so on ad nauseum.
Roddy
A few that I recall my Dad saying (some may be repeats or variations):
Dad: Hurry up, Spoons!
Me: In a minute, Dad.
Dad: Yeah, well, if the dog hadn’t stopped to fart, he would have caught the fox!
Dad: Hurry up, Spoons!
Me: I’m coming.
Dad: So’s Christmas!
Dad, about a tough-looking guy: *“Looks like he could eat nails and spit rust.”
*
Dad, when things aren’t working out as planned: “Jesus H. Christ!” He never explained what the “H” stood for.
Oh dear doctor
If it’s not one thing it’s the flamin’ other
Oooooh, yer bugger, yer
Bugger, bloody, 'n ‘ell
Oh dear me how
I want never gets
Children should be seen an’ not 'eard
Ooh, he’s dim as a tok-h lamp
Missed the edit window. I thought of two more Latin aphorisms Dad liked. Note that they’re not really Latin, but they sounded good and impressed us kids, who didn’t know Latin. When he used them, he’d put a wise expression on his face and say:
“Illegitimi non carborundum.” Translation: Don’t let the bastards grind you down. Said in response to a story about a tough day at school.
“Seductus georgeus asbestos.” Translation: Bugger you, Jack; I’m fireproof. Said when we negated all of Dad’s responses to problems we were encountering. In other words, he tried to help; but ultimately, it wasn’t his problem and we’d have to deal with it on our own.
My mom had a lot of these:
“If your aunt had balls, she’d be your uncle.”
“You’d cry with a loaf of bread and a ham under your arm.”
“That’d knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.”
“I see, said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.”
And one I’m pretty sure she made up herself: “He’s off in a cloud of camel crap and little stones.” 
So-and-so was “tighter’n Dick’s hat band” meaning they were really cheap.
‘Balls!’ said the Queen. ‘If I had to, I’d be king!’
The King laughed. He had to. The Princess laughed. She wanted to. The Prince didn’t. He was shy to. The Duke said they’re both nuts!
We’re going through the The Sopranos now, and that reminds me of what Uncle Junior said about Tony’s mother: “Livia is like the woman with a Virginia ham under each arm, crying cause she hasn’t got any bread.”
Oh, right. Mom had a version of this too:
“Balls!” cried the Queen, and the King laughed 'cause he had to.
What a pity they’ve quit showing all the old Harveytoons where singalongs were featured! I was born in 1955, and I still know such hits from Tin Pan Alley days by heart, just from watching those cartoons on TV in the '60s. (I’ve always wondered if people actually did sing along when they were shown in theaters/cinemas across the country back in the late '40s or early '50s.)
When I was growing up in the '60s, my parents still called a refrigerator an icebox and a record player a phonograph. Even nowadays, I do too on occasion, and I usually get weird looks from people around me.
“Aerial” and “wireless” I don’t think ever caught on in America, though I remember my dad, who served in the US Army Signal Corps during WWII, using the former term in his TV repairman days.
You’ve come to the right place!: Why do folks say “Jesus H. Christ”? - The Straight Dope
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