I can’t remember which of my relatives said this, but whoever it was always finished up with “as he took out his hammer and saw.”
me too. and it was a slightly different version even then: “I see, said the blind man to the deaf-mute as he picked up his hammer and saw.”
It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra.
It’s colder than a warlock’s cock in a brass jock
it flew off him like water off a duck’s back.
I heard it another way, which makes a little more sense. “I might have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night,” meaning you’re trying to bamboozle me, but I’m not that green.
“Going to see a man about a horse” is a fairly standard euphemism for taking a leak. It’s still used out here from time to time.
Parents or grandparents indeed! So many of these are from my day. But surely no one would suggest I am old?
My mother always said “I swanee!” (like the river I guess).
Dad’s putting on his hat and coat and we say, “Where you going?” The response is almost always, “Out for a short beer.”
And I have, when the kids really got to me, spouted one of my mother’s favorites. Heavens to Betsy Hannah!!
I remember my grandmother’s favorite exclamatory, “Land 'o Goshen”. Of course, to me, it came out like “landagoeshin”.
“What’s for dinner” usually get the response “Duck under the table!” from my Mum, who stole it from her Dad.
“Couldn’t organise a dog-fight” - either parent.
“Oh, sugar!” - my grandmother.
“Oooh! Right in the undercarriage!” (upon seeing a cricketer get hit in the groin) - my Grandfather. I don’t know if he said that a lot, but my brother (about eight at the time) was tickled by the phrase and used it to excess over the following years (amazing how often that boy could introduce the topic of his undercarriage into conversation).
I think I may steal this one; especially once I get flying again.
From grandpa- “Hotter than a two-peckered billy goat”
From grandma- “As dark as your pocket”
Schnicklefritz was common in my German-American family as well. Other fun ones include
“ach du lieber” / “ach du lieber Himmel” / “ach du lieber Augustine” (used to express exasperation).
The other side of my family is Tennessee hillbilly, with phrases like “better than snuff” and “I’m fixin’ to go …”.
How about "rip your arm off and hit you over the head with the soggy end? 
(Not heard from a grandparent but from a contemporary fairly recently. Well. OK, early 1980s -still *sort of * recent.
I’ll rip off your arm and beat you with the bloody stump.
My grandmother would say, if one of us children looked too scruffy and untidy “you look like a Lipton’s orphan!”
I remain a bit flummoxed by that one because, although Thomas Lipton (he of the tea and the attempts at the Americas Cup) did do many charitable works, I’m not aware that he founded an orphanage as such.
Damn right! I sympathise, SiamSam. Most of the ones that I understand - mostly those from the U.K., Ireland and sometimes Australia - are sayings that I think are still in use. And I’m not old. Well, not much.
One from my grandmother that I came in here to mention!
Also from Nanny:
“Big-ass Medicine Show!” Said to a child who was showing off.
“Is that you speakin’ or the dishpan leakin’?” Said when she told one of us to do something and we didn’t act on it.
“Speak, Ass, Face won’t!” Said when we were asked a question and stood there without responding for too long.
Of course, I heard these from my Dad as well, since he’d heard them from her all his life!
My mom would get exasperated with our ability to transform neatness to disaster with little to no effort. When she (oh, so sweetly!) requested that we consider cleaning it up, she’d say that the room was “strung from Cape Cod to Pecos!” Alternatively, it might be strung “from hell to breakfast!” (After we were grown, my sisters and I once speculated just how far the latter distance might be. We all agreed that however far it was, our own kids had no difficulties in stringing their own rooms to that degree!)
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I’d ask where’s my (any missing object).
Grandfather would answer “Up Mike’s Arse!” -
I’d stay up late watching some monster movie and when I’d protest getting up the next morning my grandmother would say, “You danced last night and now you gotta pay the fiddler.”
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I don’t have enough clothes to make a tail for a kite.
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If somebody put your brains in a peanut shell, they’d rattle like a brick in a boxcar!
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Jumped-up Jesus!
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He’s madder then a wasp eat’n mule!
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I’m so hungry, I don’t know where I’m going to sleep tonight.
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Any minute now that damn landlord is gonna come waltzing in! (I used landlord as an example but it would apply to any expected but unnecessary visitor)
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What gave you your first clue Dick Tracy! (this was a response given when someone stated something glaringly obvious) A variation: NO SH** DICK TRACY!!
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It’s colder then a witch’s t*t.
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It’s colder then a well-diggers a** in January.
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People get so damn smart they get all mixed up!
How do people find zombie threads like this??